Ask The Luv Coach: “I’ve Got Drama With My Male Best Friend’s Girl”

November 7th, 2011 - By Alexis Garrett Stodghill

The Luv Coach on Madame Noire

This week, The Luv Coach helps a reader define her boundaries between her male best friend — and his jealous girlfriend. Read on and weigh in with comments below.

Dear Luv Coach,

I’ve been best friends with this guy for years. But (there’s always a but) every time he has a girlfriend he disappears! When we were first starting to become friends his girlfriend got jealous and called me because apparently he mentioned me too much. I felt bad for her because she sounded sad so I assured her I never wanted him. He’s like my big brother. She never jumped boosie over the phone. I got mad at him for giving this other girl I didn’t know my number. So while in class the next day she starts texting me crazy. My first response was “I’m in class.” Then came the B word. I hold my temper a lot but I do not respond kindly to not being called by my birth name. So she got cursed out and I said some things about her insecurities. Ever since then we’ll talk once in a while then he’ll disappear. Should I stay his friend or spare the drama?

-Dkendra

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  • Magnificentmeka

    This right here is the problem I am having with my bestfriend. He is now married so I stepped bad out of that because I knew his wife didn’t like me when she was just the girlfriend so I knew that her being wifey now was not going to be any better.

    He asked me why I changed and haven’t called as much and tried to explain that I don’t want to get in the way and cause trouble, he just doesn’t understand or care.

  • JustAshley

    1. He has a girlfriend and he has every right to disappear. You don’t own him. Just like if he was REALLY your blood related brother than he would automatically spend less time with you and more time with his girl to solidify his relationship with her. That’s like an automatic rule.You should automatically slow down contact with your friends of the opposite sex, so that: 
    A. Your partner knows your serious about them 
    B. So that you don’t inadvertently cause any type of jealous rivalry
    *
    2. Your “best friend” is shady and he caused this drama. He likes the conflict. Its an ego boost. You need to get yourself some new male friends and FOLLOW the rules! At the end of the day, HE’S STILL A MAN and even if your intentions are totally honorable, you need to keep that in mind and act accordingly.

    • Girliusmaximus

      Bravo JustAshley. Excellent point about him disappearing once he had a girlfriend. Maybe the best friend should consider getting a boyfriend or some business of her own instead of waiting around for someone who is in a relationship, mind you, to hang out. And when she sent that out of line text she should have went to the man in the first place because he is the reason why the girlfriend had the number. Yeah the girlfriend was out of line for acting an *ss but two wrongs don’t make a right and it didn’t serve the female best friend and purpose to stoop to her level.

  • Brian K

    hmmm, Madame Noire do you re-use photos as well as recycle stories?  It certainly appears that way.

  • Teflon Mom

    The Luv Coach is so diplomatic.  I would come at this totally different.  1) Your “best friend” is no friend at all.  He loves drama that’s why he CREATED the drama by talking about you all the time, ADDED to the drama by giving the girl your number and KEEPS DRAMA GOING by periodically disappearing.  Now he got you calling him wondering where he is, the girlfriend is on pins and needles wondering if he’s somewhere with you, and his silly azz is sitting back laughing it up because everyone wants a piece of him.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s telling the story to a third woman – but in his version you and the girlfriend are unreasonable and he just doesn’t understand how drama follows him.  He needs a woman who is “drama free” SMDH.

    I don’t do “besties” of the opposite gender.  Once you’re in a serious relationship all that crap has to go.  I don’t care if y’all been best friends since 1st grade, if you dig her that much you shoulda married her.  Plus a REAL (and mature) friend realizes that a romantic relationship means the nature of your friendship will have to change.  It’s part of life, just like kids.  You can’t hang the same way you would when you were childless, why do you think nothing should change when you have someone who cares about you at home.  Real friends will keep up with you, but they’ll take a big step back because they respect your relationship and want you to be happy.

    • 123

      ”
      I don’t do “besties” of the opposite gender.  Once you’re in a serious relationship all that crap has to go.”

      I feel bad for people like you. I’m a woman who’s happily married and most of my closest friends are men. My husband became good friends with them and several were groomsmen in our wedding. Most of the time, we all hang out together, but sometimes it’s just me and my boys. My husband and I trust each other and are not insecure in the least bit, so this doesn’t bother us. My husband has female friends and I’ve hung out with them, invited them to our house etc and have never had an issue. 

      The only people who can’t handle opposite sex friendships are insecure and need to work on their self-esteem. 

  • Msknowitall

    Good advice. I agree about setting those boundaries with male friendships, I don’t have that problem. It’s always the guyz that do, because deep down they want more and I make it very very clear I’m not interested. Then they get mad and end the friendship. I’ve resulted to preferring to be friends with married couples, at least I know I won’t get no problems from him and I’m cool with both couple