7 Silly Ways You Are Ruining Your Relationship

November 7, 2011  |  
1 of 8

The beginning of a relationship is never boring. You’re either excited to see the person, or anxiety-ridden because they’ve taken too long to text back. You’re way too busy just trying to establish a relationship—trying get through the emotional roller coaster that is a new relationship—that it never occurs to you that a complete “now what?!” moment will hit once everything settles. But once that moment hits, once you’re actually in a happy, stable relationship, it’s pretty common to start doing some stupid things for fear of losing it. Like these:

You’re TOO nice

You don’t want to tell him that what he just said was rude. You don’t want to tell him that it pissed you off that he stayed out 3 hours later than he said he would last night, and didn’t text you. You don’t want to acknowledge that there is even the tiniest thing wrong with this relationship you finally got to be settled! So you hold it in. But honestly, you will feel closer to the guy if you just say right then and there “you’re being an a**hole right now.” Because you know that if you don’t say it, you’re just going to act distant, and become distant.

Trying to do more together

You used to go on dates all of the time. You used to find fun things to do in your city. Now all you two do is stay at home, make dinner and watch a movie. But that is normal. You went on all of those dates as a way of getting to know each other. Now you do know each other, and if you feel secure enough in the fact that you like each other, you should be happy to just relax together. Don’t get anxiety-ridden and start circling a million things in the newspaper for you two to do. Of course, don’t stay home all of the time, but don’t become alarmed if you start doing it more often.

Not doing your own thing

Your boyfriend cannot be your entire social life. In the very beginning stages, you want to see each other all the time. But that’s when you have to make a serious effort to still go see your friends and be away from your guy. If you don’t, you’ll regret it once the relationship settles. By default, you will be spending all of your time with your guy because your friends stopped inviting you out. Not only that, your guy might feel suffocated.


Putting pressure on sex

A little lull is normal. You can’t keep up at that 4 times a day rate forever. I’m not saying you should just accept it if sex falls out of your relationship. But the first few times, in the beginning of the lull, when your guy just wants to go to sleep, don’t throw a fit. Don’t even throw a passive aggressive fit. Just try with all of your might to smile and say “that’s fine” because showing anger about it only makes it worse. And then he will feel like he has to have sex with you. Honestly, just one little fit about it will linger with him for a while and your lull might last longer than it was meant to.

Comparing your relationship

Some couples are the adventurous type, constantly planning trips and taking salsa-dancing classes. Some couples are extremely domestic, always hosting dinner parties and spending their Saturdays wondering around Bed Bath and Beyond. Your relationship isn’t unhealthy because you don’t do those things. You and your partner are two completely different individuals than the couple who goes skydiving or rock climbing every weekend. That’s why you’re with your man, instead of somebody else’s. If things feel fine, then they’re fine. Don’t start asking “why don’t we do more ______ like they do?”

Trying too hard

If you suddenly start wearing gorgeous lingerie every time he comes home from work, and making candle lit dinners every single night, he is going to feel pressure to do just as much. His thought process is “I already won her over! Can’t I just be myself now?” You should absolutely continue to do nice things for each other and surprise each other, but, don’t go into a panic mode and start doing something like that every day. It will actually begin to stress your partner out more than anything. He will feel like a jerk if he doesn’t keep up.

Becoming insecure

Saying, “I love you” for the first time feels amazing. And it feels pretty damn amazing saying it the next couple hundred times, too. Sending and receiving cute little texts throughout the day isn’t bad either. But, as your relationship continues, you’ll start sending little texts like that and saying, “I love you” obsessively, less. Not because you don’t love each other or like each other as much, but because you feel secure enough in the fact that you love one another that not as much needs to be said. At least, you should feel secure. Of course you should continue to say nice things to each other, but don’t think he doesn’t love you because his text messages went down from 25 to 5 a day. That 25 rate just wasn’t sustainable. If you begin asking him “do you still love me?” or “why don’t you text me as much any more?” he will find that insecurity unattractive.

Trending on MadameNoire

View Comments
Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • Pacalaga

    Dunno, I would like to read it but can no longer be bothered with the “slideshow” format. Gimme a break, Madame Noire, and please get a new template.

  • I reposted this on my blog and I must say it has cause some interesting responses!

  • dee11

    Everything I read here was so accurate!

  • Afp35

    wow…i so needed this!! i’m guilty of almost all this stuff lol. good thing i read this now before it got out of hand… smh

    • Ernie

      Pride and Ego number one enemy of both men and women. Just admit and let the stronger lead

  • Guest

    Some of these tips are helpful, but some are contradicting. So it’s too nice if you don’t let him know that a comment is offensive, but yet you should shut your trap and keep it bottled up if you feel that the relationship is lacking in the sex dept.? That makes no sense…

  • Yoge002

    I love the differet articles on relationships and this one definitely hit home with me.  I will now take a different stance on the “You’re Too Nice” because I have a fear of losing the relationship.  This was truely an eye opener.

  • Father God, I pray for a return to God and his ways. A return to  meaningful relationships of marriage. Love, Prayers, salvation. Please stop the Genocide of our families with Single family homes, homosexuality, interracial relationships may bring a end the Black Civilization Lord bring our Black men back whole unscarred from the devices sent to destroy the family.

    • JudgeNot

      Not that I agree w/ your post, but …

      It’s “…may bring AN end TO the Black …”

      Anyway, GOD is about love. At a minimum he would expect you to embrace all people, including those “interracial relationship” folks and gay folks you singled out. Judge not…

      • I do agree with you Judgenot, in fact it’s people likeher who destroy humanitie… I’ll be praying for YOUR salvation.

  • Email all news media, magazines and television stop misleading information. Preserve the family. Powerful structures place in order to destroy the family. E-mail, call, fax and Call. Interracial relationships single party life, homosexuality take them down or this will end of black civilization. 

  • why is this all directed towards women? but other than that i think its good.

  • Kashbmaryd

    The first and last things said were the best. Both dealt with trust (ie, not lying) and insecurity (which can lead to trust issues). Like everyone else said, great article.

  • Gemini1287

    Good article. However I think these things apply to men as well. My bf does these things more than I do…

  • This post went hard in the paint. Wow. I was literally cheering while reading it. lol 

  • TYRA

    I found this article to be extremely informative and beneficial. I actually feel some sort of relief in knowing that it is “normal” to be home bodies after many years in our relationship.We love eachother, and enjoy every moment of raising our family…and at the end of the day, that’s what matters and what keeps us going strong.

  • Sdennis334

     I’m guilty of insecurities sometimes, and I need to stop it!!! lol. From time to time, I compare my relationship to that of my friends’. Some of them are really outdoorsy, and while that’s not really my thing, I wonder why I haven’t gone out and done the things they have. Some of them are in new relationships so it’s not reasonable to compare the two. Even if they were in older relationships, we are different people. I need to focus on my relationship and be grateful that we love each other and are happy.  Relationships take work and I definitely need to work on myself. Thank you for a poignant and well-written article, Jaustin.

  • L-Boogie

    I am prideful.  Ooops!

  • Lola21

    Hit it right on the nail, I too feel like i wanna be up under my boyfriend all the time but i know he wants me to go out more with my homegirls , but im starting to grow out of it and be around my friends a little more, because i dont wanna suffocate him all the time.

  • JustAshley

    Thumbs up on the article.***** 🙂

  • ShamikaMH

    “Having too much pride” is another thing… I don’t want to let my boyfriend take care of me because I don’t feel that “its his responsibility” to do so. Go figure…


      Ain’t that that the truth! That’s another major problem i have. I inherited my fathers pride,its been rough!  i’m slowly learning how to let the man be a man. 

  • Cspiercey626

    damn!!!! that was a great article!!! i do all of those things!! lolol

  • Msknowitall

    Wow! Jaustin great advice. I’m struggling with the comparison to other “normal” relationships, even though I know every guy is different and therefore every relationship can’t necessary be the same. Yeah I’m so forwarding this article to some friends.

  • Pingback: Building Successful Relationship » Blog Archive » 7 Mistakes that can make a relationship fail | Madame Noire | Black …()

  • Lady Of Elixir

    this was actualyl a great article.