How You Keep Breaking Your Own Heart

November 22, 2011  |  

"Black woman crying"

Sure, there are a**holes out there. There are some true con artists. They’re amazing listeners. They figure you out. They stare at you like they’re looking into your soul. They know what you want to hear. They even know what to do and say to seem like a saint . And then they screw you. And screw you over. In some instances, it’s really not your fault. But to tell you the truth—most of the time it is. You have to remember that you’re the one choosing the men you date. You’re the one opting to go on date number 2, 3, etc. And you’re the only one who can determine what men will and will not be drawn to you. Honestly, you’re the reason your heart is being broken. But you can change that:

"Woman unmasked"

You’re not being real upfront

Women want to seem strong. We’re pretty much constantly told that we are too needy, too emotional, too co-dependent. So, to fight that stereotype, we put on our best “I don’t care if you like me or not. I don’t care if you call back or not. I don’t even care if you’re listening” face. And you know what? Some men are attracted to that. They are attracted to that strength—to that independence. They want to date that woman. So they do. And then that woman, (you) once she becomes comfortable, lets her true colors show. Yes, you’re a little needy sometimes—who isn’t’?! Yes, it does hurt your feelings if he forgets to call you back. And yes, you’re going to let him know. And suddenly, you’re not that bold-faced, “I don’t need a man” woman he fell for.

"Blocked call on phone"

You won’t block a phone number

This may just be my policy, but I’ve seen a lot of women get into a lot of unnecessary drama by not following it. If it’s over—it’s over. And if it ended with some bad feelings, you need to block his phone number, his email, and unfriend him on Facebook. Because all it takes is that one little 2 am text message when you’re a little drunk (“I miss you”), and suddenly, you forgot why you broke up. And you text back “I miss you too,” and within a week, you’re yelling at each other again. If you don’t have the strength to ignore those texts and emails, then take control of the one thing you can control—block him.

 "Girlfriends talking"

Your friends are louder than your gut

When you are feeling weak (as we often do after a breakup), and all you can remember is that you liked cuddling and you liked having a date on your arm, your friend’s suggestion of “maybe you guys can work it out…” gets to you. But you are the only one who knows that gut feeling you had that said this isn’t right for me. And if you get back with the guy, your gut is going to speak up again. And you’re going to have to break up all over again.

"Sweet text message"

You’re still growing

Maybe you just moved to a new town, or you are in between jobs so you don’t have much of a social life or a new career is taking up your time. But if you don’t have your own thing going on, you’re going to depend on your guy too much. You may not notice it because, if you’re out of work and out of friends, those 8 hours when he is at work feel like an eternity to you. But they fly by for him, so when you text saying “I haven’t heard from you in forever” that “forever” sounds a bit drastic to him. And then he feels that you’re too clingy and he drops you, at a point when you are feeling more lonely and lost than ever. A boyfriend is just a quick and unsustainable fix for a life that still needs to be built up. It’s a tempting fix—but resist it until you’re stronger.

"Black woman daydreaming"

You daydream too much

You have a date with a guy and you spend all day thinking about it. When you’re at the gym, you’re imaging how he is going to notice your toned arms that night. When you’re at lunch with friends, you’re making a mental note to re-tell him the funny story your friend told you. The date has happened in your head long before it happens, and then the actual date falls far short. (Of course it does!) And you’re depressed, thinking every man will disappoint you.

"Black couple arguing"

You chase the unavailable

He tells you he isn’t ready for a relationship. Great—you accept the challenge (it wasn’t a challenge though). He tells you he isn’t into monogamy. You accept again. He tells you he has never spoken about his feelings with a partner. You get to work on making his tears flow. You put in much more energy on him than you would have to with, oh, a giving man who is ready for a relationship, so when it ends, you feel more exhausted and devastated than ever. Just don’t do it! Walk away from a man as soon as he shows signs that he can’t give you what you want. You will save your heart a lot of pain in the end.

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  • Miss K

    GREAT list!

  • Sass

    There are some people you have no choice but to love from a far because it hurts to much to love them up close…
    and the unfortuanate side effect of ever really loving anyone is you will always love that someone…
    so when the red flags start coming up… RUN!!!!!  and don’t look back…

  • SoTrue

    Is “Jaustin” the writer of this article a man or woman? (No biggie; just curious)

  • Lthur10

    Great tips.. I might need to print this out!

  • Mz_M

    I must admit I see myself in many of these examples.  I think part of the process is recognizing the faults in yourself that we can so easily see in others. Having been that girl who over thinks every situation, who’s been staunch and independent on the outside while going crazy with jealously on the inside I see exactly why my situations have ended the way that they have.  I encourage everyone to get away from the “It’s all his fault” syndrome that never allows you to take responsibility for your actions. You have to be accountable to yourself if to no one else. I actually liked this article I think it was very well written and brought to light the many issues that women go through in their pursuit to find happiness with a partner.

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  • Sukari

    OMG! Many of these are me 🙁