Total Mom Items Every Woman Loves To Wear But Won’t Admit It

August 18, 2017  |  
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It’ll happen to you. You’ll be packing for a trip or just a day at the beach. You’ll grab your cover-up, your water-proof shoes, your giant floppy hat, your healthy snacks and your huge tub of sunscreen and ask, “When did I become this person? I used to grab nothing but a tiny bikini and some beer to hit the beach. Oh my gosh, I’m becoming…my mom!” But there is a reason a lot of moms are known for common habits, style-wise and otherwise: it’s comfortable! As you get older, you care less what people think and you care more about not letting blisters from sexy shoes ruin your night. Your tolerance for uncomfortable clothes diminishes. Your boyfriend/husband/best friend can either have you look good or not complain all day about the wire in your bra. It’s one or the other—but not both. Here are totally mom items every woman loves to wear but won’t admit.

Fanny packs

Purses are a pain in the butt. You can’t dance with them because they’re swinging around. You have to make sure you don’t leave them anywhere. You can’t keep an eye on them because they’re at your side. They put weight on your shoulders. They’re nothing but cute and useless. The fanny pack, however, sits right where you can see it and access it at all times. You can jog with it. You can dance at a club with it. You could marry it.





Kitten heels

Look, they may not create that oh-so-sexy arch and elongate your legs, but damnit are kitten heels comfortable. They add just a little height without making it difficult to walk all night. They still get away with calling themselves heels (aka you can wear them to a wedding and nobody can call you under-dressed) but they’re just a step away from flats in the comfort department.






Shoes with good support

Aaaah. Women love some shoes with some good support. These are rarely the most attractive shoes on the market. Some sweet loafers with good traction and cushioned insoles are our jam. Forget ballet flats: they are useless!






Full coverage bras

Full coverage bras may not do much in the cleavage department but they just hold everything together so nicely. So what if they create a uni-boob? We feel so safe and comfy in them. So what if we can’t wear a low-cut top with them? We don’t even want to wear low-cut tops. We want to wear our robes.






A really flowy beach cover-up

I know we’re supposed to wear cute booty shorts to the beach or a sexy sarong, but man do we love a good, flowy cover up. The more moomoo-esque, the better. We just want something flowy that lets our skin breathe on the beach. We just want to wear a tent.









"Woman on the phone in bed pf"

Granny nightgowns

Forget teddies and slips. Silk and satin get too damned hot at night. Give us a good old fashioned cotton nightgown—one that’s loose and goes down to our shins—any day. We could just live in those.







Full-length pajamas

When it’s cold, we love full-length pajamas. It would really be nice if we could wear these to the grocery store. They are basically just fuzzy pant suits if you think about it. We want the buttons that go all the way up the front and the trims on the sleeve cuffs and the whole thing. Tiny tank tops and booty shorts are not viable sleeping options when it is cold.









We know: visors are for tennis moms. But they also keep the sun out of our eyes without making the tops of our heads too hot. And they don’t take up as much room as a full hat does in our beach bag. And they’re really easy to bedazzle oops that went too far.









Mom jeans

Not the sexy mom jeans everyone is wearing. Oh no. We like those truly high-waist ones that go above our belly buttons. We like those ones where the butt is clearly five times the size of our butts. We want our asses to swim in those things. We want our vaginas to breathe.











Almost-diaper bags

Designer bags look nice but they don’t have the compartments and organizational pockets we need. Can’t some designer just conceal a diaper bag inside of a trendy purse? Where are we supposed to keep the zip lock baggies full of blueberries and cereal we bring with us?









Granny panties

If we could replace our entire underwear collection with granny panties, we would. And we wear them any chance we get. If we’re on our periods, our partners are traveling, or for any reason know nobody will see our underwear, we’re reaching for those high, control-tops.









Cardigan over the shoulders

The older we get, the more we want to drape our cardigan over our shoulders and tie it in a little knot in front of our necks. It’s so much better than carrying the darn thing, and tying it around our waist looks juvenile.






Chunky sneakers

No matter how much footwear brands say their sleek, thin sneakers are just as comfortable as chunky ones, they’re lying. There is nothing like those sneakers that just feel like little space ships on your feet. You need that chunk in order to get a really good arch. We could run errands all day in those bad boys.









One-pieces. Not even the cute ones.

One-piece bathing suits are making a comeback. But the trendy ones are super low rise in the front or made up of a million strings that barely cover anything. We want those original, Speedo one-pieces. We want our tummies tucked and our cleavage covered so we can play in the water without worrying about a nip slip. That one-piece Paris Hilton wore in that Carl’s Junior commercial? That is not an authentic one-piece.









Why are we all pretending we aren’t terrified of stepping on a jelly fish or broken glass on the beach? Crocks let you walk in the water, without destroying your shoes. It’s genius. Stop hating.

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