Are You Focused On Getting Chose Or Choosing The Right Man?

July 6, 2017  |  

<> at The Ritz-Carlton New Orleans on July 2, 2017 in New Orleans, Louisiana.

The phrase “get chose” has, thankfully, dwindled in use over the past couple of years, but that doesn’t mean there still aren’t plenty of women who subscribe to the philosophy behind the phrase. The idea that you must work overtime to become desirable in a man’s eyes. An idea that isn’t wholly a bad one, except for the fact that it leaves out the part about women needing to do some choosing of their own.

Tichina Arnold talked about that notion on the golden carpet at the McDonald’s 365Black Awards held in New Orleans during Essence Fest this past weekend. People magazine asked the Survivor’s Remorse star how she’s getting along following her second divorce and she admitted:

“I don’t know how to be single again! It’s sad,” she told the mad laughing. “I don’t even know what to look at or what I’m into. Right before my second marriage I was really cool with being single. I’d fell into a nice rhythm raising my daughter, and then here comes the second husband. It didn’t work out but I’m not sad or upset about it. Life happens. You’ve got to stay positive. And drink wine!

“I always allowed the man to choose me,” she added, “so I’m going to switch direction a little and give myself more time.”

Though the actress shared, “I doubt if I’ll ever get married again,” her emphasis on doing the choosing next time around is a lesson for all women, rather simply looking for a casual partner or a lifelong companion.

With dating options being what they are, for better or worse, and dating in general being what it is these days (for worse), it’s easy to want to hitch your wagon to the first man who shows you a reasonable amount of interest. He has so much of this and only lacks a little of that, so why not make it work, you tell yourself when the opportunity presents itself. By the why not is because if the man is the only one doing the choosing, eventually all that “this” he came with is going to be overshadowed by all the “that” he doesn’t have and you’ll no longer be fulfilled by just having a man. Coming to that point in a relationship doesn’t have to mean your partner is a bad guy, it’s simply indicative of the fact that he chose you, but you didn’t choose him.

In the midst of making ourselves desirable to men, we have to spend as much time discerning whether the man in front of us is truly what we desire as well. Or is it that he just happens to be there and you’re lonely? Or that he has all the things a good man should have and everyone around you says you’d be crazy to pass him up? Or are you too focused on superficial things, like his bank account, and overlooking the fact that he’s actually not a very good person?

In order for a relationship to succeed, both partners have to choose each other, almost daily. And doing so is going to be very hard down the line when the allure of being with someone new subsides and you realize he isn’t the choice you want to make at all. By all means get chose, but make sure you’re a choosy lover as well.

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