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“She only does that tantrum stuff when you walk in the door.”
“I told you once she starts sleeping in your bed, you’ll never be able to get her out.”
“Well you know she’s only two. She hasn’t developed a sense of smell yet.”
Most days I am able to take my mother’s criticism on my parenting with a grain of salt, but that last one made me do an instant Google search to prove to her that my toddler knows damn well that her diaper smells like funk and moldy dish water and she can smell because science says so. My husband and I are two years in on this parenthood thing and we’re still finding our way and developing our own approach to our mini-combo of DNA, but like many parents we’re getting to the point where we expect folks to make it rain, “What you should do…” when it comes to our child and you better believe everyone from our parents to the cashiers at Walgreens have an opinion and offer it freely. That’s why it’s no surprise to me that a recent study has found that parents receive the most criticism about their parenting from their immediate families.
The study conducted by C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital found that six in ten mothers of children ages 0-5 have been criticized about everything from their children’s sleep patterns to their decision to breastfeed by the folks closest to them. The study was conducted out of Children’s Health at the University of Michigan were a national sample was taken of 475 mothers with children under the age of five. And who was the most generous with their opinions and critiques? The mother’s own parents appeared to be culprits for much of the criticism. Thirty-seven percent of mothers polled have felt second guessed by their mother or father.
Whether you call your pediatrician every time your mother turns her nose up at the instant oatmeal you’ve packed for your little one or you have a slight chuckle while she chases your toddler whose using her waist trainer as a cape, the key to surviving parenting criticism is not taking it personally. Most days I trust that the shade I repeatedly feel thrown my way looks more like good-old fashioned advice to my mother. I also remind myself that much like this raising a small human thing is new to me, watching your child raise a small human is just as new to them. Grandparent boundaries and etiquette take time to navigate and staying on the same page requires constant communication and brutal honesty. And although “it takes a village” to raise a child, sometimes I just want the village to have several seats, change a diaper and keep their lips closed.
ScaryMommy broke down the study’s findings to see what categories parents’ received the most criticism about:
“According to the study, 70 percent of mothers had been criticized about how they discipline their child, followed closely by ‘diet and nutrition (52 percent), sleep (46 percent), breast- vs. bottle-feeding (39 percent), safety (20 percent), and child care (16 percent).’”
What the study may show is that grandparents may find practices and behaviors of the past that they used as parents challenged by an ever-changing set of child and safety guidelines. I distinctly remember regularly riding on the center console of my dad’s Mercury Cougar in the 80’s whereas now the cops would be on my behind if a strap from child’s car seat even comes undone en route. I’ve accepted that as my parents grow older they become stuck in their ways. So with every unwanted comment I have to remind myself that much of the “advice” is less about any horrible job they think I might be doing and more about their resistance to change. I also keep in mind that I’m a part of a generation where a child development chart is a mere Google search away and I can Youtube a c-section and instantly clear up any lies I’ve been told about my intestines being spread across a gurney like a lunchbox special. My parents did the best with the resources they had and there’s a possibility that one day my child will have a baby of her own and have to convince me, “You know what they used to say about screen time before the age of six? Yeah, they got that ALL wrong.”
I also make it a point to consider something that the study might have missed. It makes sense that “mom-shaming”, criticism or whatever you choose to call it comes from the folks that are closest to you, because honestly those are the people who are most invested. None of us parents want to feel like we’re showing up to our very own roast session at every Sunday dinner, but you also have to take into account that the opinionated barista watching Jr. lose it all over the Dunkin Donuts floor because his donut has three green sprinkles instead of five is also not playing a huge part in the person your child becomes. For those of us who are lucky, grandparents, aunties and cousins are the folks we count on when our parenting skills reserve is low. They are the ones we throw our infants at the second they hit the door step because we’re sleep deprived and need a shower. And most of that time through all those jumping jacks they’re doing on your last nerve, they really want the best for both you and your children. It only makes sense that they have something to say every now and then.
The best way to combat mom-shaming whether it comes from your mother-in-law or the mail carrier? Focus on what you’re doing well and be confident in the fact that there are plenty of superstar parents in the world, but no one has ever raised YOUR kid before and no one is the expert on your child. Lastly, for every person that never has anything nice to say, find a member of your support system who is humble enough to talk about their missteps and who can just plain sympathize with you without judgement. It’s easy to tell a mom she needs to get her baby to bed earlier, but can you top her “Dog + Toddler + Hair Gel = a bad day” stories?
Toya Sharee is a Health Resource Specialist who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
