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As long as my parents have been married, my mother told me that there are just some things they like to keep the mystery about when it comes to their relationship. My parents don’t leave doors open when they urinate, and my mother hasn’t sat around unphased in a bathroom she’s shared with my father while he’s pooped. To them, some things are better kept to themselves.

is this petty poop

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But a girlfriend of mine told me a few months back about a boyfriend she dated once who didn’t believe in such boundaries. He believed, which is true, that everyone poops. Therefore, he had no qualms with grabbing his phone and kicking back on the toilet with the door open or taking care of business while she was in the bathroom with him. In fact, she told me that one time she ran herself a nice hot bubble bath after a particularly stressful day. She closed the curtains for privacy’s sake in case her boyfriend needed to run in and out and sank down into the water. She would find moments later that she was being brought out of her moment of zen by the smell of funk. When she pulled back the curtains, there was her boyfriend, midway through a healthy bowel movement. To this day, she still turns up her face when she talks about it.

We’ve all been there. Hell, even Miranda Hobbes of Sex and the City has been there. And by there, I mean at the place in a relationship where people are trying to figure out how to deal with their bowels while dating (or their partner’s bowels).

I’ve dated someone who was very open with his restroom habits. When he urinated, he did so with a stream so strong and steady, it couldn’t help but come out loud. And while that was a little gross sometimes (he would often do this while I was eating), his bowel movement habits were worse. He wouldn’t do it with the door wide open, but he never let out his gas before sitting down. So every morning, without failing, I would hear everything in my bathroom. *cues horn section*

Talk about sexy.

But on the complete flipside, I have a girlfriend who is dating a guy who at one time, wouldn’t dare have a bowel movement in her home. One time, after going out to eat together and having something that left his belly a bit upset, they returned to her place to relax. Soon after settling in, he started to feel uncomfortable, but he didn’t let on that he wasn’t feeling good. Instead of asking to use her bathroom to set things straight, he told her, “I actually have to run home real quick. There seems to be an issue.” She assumed he meant that something had happened, and it had — he had a ferocious case of bubble guts. Once he finally returned home and relieved himself, he called my friend back and said everything was ok. It wasn’t until later when she asked him what had happened in his place that he finally admitted he just wasn’t comfortable enough to deal with an upset stomach in her bathroom. He didn’t think it was right.

We’ve all heard about people who leave the door open when they poop and who can continue to brush their teeth while their partner relieves themselves in the same space. In complete contrast, we’ve also heard of people who avoid being open about their bowel movements and will even go as far as to try and hide poop in their purse when it won’t flush down the toilet so as to avoid embarrassment. But what is too comfortable and what is too uptight when it comes to the bowel habits of the people you date?

I can say that I would never want someone I’m dating to feel as though if they really needed to have a bowel movement, I would be petty enough to judge them for having it in my home. And while I get that it’s probably super awkward when you’re just getting to know someone, if you’ve ever been the person in that situation with a meal in your system that is not interested in cooperating, then you can probably understand the importance of being compassionate. But at the same time, it’s not cute to be that man or woman who is way too comfortable. As the saying goes, let some of the mystery be and save your trumpet solos and some of those sour lunches for your own bathroom…

But as always, that’s just my opinion. What say you? Is it petty to judge the person you’re dating for openly having a bowel movement in your home? 

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