When it comes to dating someone who is estranged from their husband or wife but not divorced, many of us would say that until the fat lady sings, that’s not a healthy situation to enter into. We just wouldn’t be comfortable dating someone still married, even if unhappily. Despite the efforts made to cut ties, until they’re fully cut, there’s a chance for reconciliation, and there’s also a chance for drama. No good.
But what about dating someone who isn’t married, however, shares a space with someone they were romantically involved with for some time? Keyword: were. Would you be comfortable being with a man who still lived with their ex?
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This is based on a woman I know who has been more than ok with dating a guy who still lives with his former longtime girlfriend. They’ve been getting closer over the last few months, but if they want to spend quality time together, they have to go to her place. When they want to hang out in general, he has to leave the woman he’s shared so much with, aside from a ritzy apartment, to go hang out with his new chick, only to return home to his old one. And when she wants to hang out with his friends, they’re not necessarily sure how to act around her because they’re used to and friendly with his ex. Awkward.
Still, plans to move. He has allegedly been looking around for apartments so that he can have a fresh start. However, his living situation with his ex hasn’t been contentious. They get along well. Sometimes she shares meals that she’s cooked with him, and it’s an overall peaceful situation. If it were a negative one, he would feel more of a fire under his behind to get up, get out and get moving, but when things are good, what’s the rush?
While his new girlfriend may be rolling with the punches, I thought their situation was interesting enough to share. It’s not a rare one, though.
There are women who date guys who live with exes who are still emotionally attached. One woman wrote in to Glamour about a guy she was interested in dating who had a roommate/ex tagging him in posts on social media and listing herself as “In a Relationship” with him on Facebook.
There have been women who’ve waited impatiently for their boyfriends to move out of a home they share with their ex-wives:
How long am I supposed to sit around and wait for him to move out? It’s been a year and three months since we started dating. I really like him. Honestly, I love him and he knows that. We have great times together, but the only problem is him leaving his situation. At times I get frustrated because I want to be able to go to his house and enjoy those moments together. I don’t consider him my boyfriend, only because I don’t feel comfortable saying that he is because of his living arrangement. I’m scared that after all the time I have invested in him, he might one day just say that he is all set and wants to work on things with her. I know this is a ramble, but I’m just lost and confused.
There are also women who date men who live with exes who seemingly have moved on and have their own new relationship to tend to. So that living situation should be no big deal, right? Wrong.
In the summer of 2011 I met a man who I have been seeing ever since. We are madly in love with each other. My kids love him too. But, he still lives with his ex wife, mainly because he cant afford to move out. They have a teenage son. I am often very insecure although he tells me its just a convenient living arrangement. His ex wife also has a new boyfriend. Is there anyone out there in this same situation? How do you cope with it? I find it so difficult.
The truth is, the last lady is right — this is a very difficult situation. As someone trying to survive in New York City, I think it’s understandable for someone to live with whoever they need to if they can’t afford to move out, especially if they were living with them before entering into a new relationship. (You can’t get away with introducing this living situation after you start dating someone new.) But there always needs to be a plan of action in order for someone entering the situation to not feel like they’re being left in the dark or played for a fool. You can work with a temporary situation, but one that seems unending, that feels uncertain and at times, inappropriate? You’re setting yourself up for a headache — and to end up feeling like a third wheel in your own relationship…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What say you? Is it not a big deal if a guy you’re interested in lives with his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife?
