The other day I caught Iyanla Vanzant’s episode of “Fix My Life” with Laura Govan. Laura said she needed to be on the show because her public image hasn’t caught up to the changed woman she is. Iyanla determined Laura’s real issue is she hasn’t learned how to stop fighting and being on the defense, even when she doesn’t have an adversary. And that behavior, the life coach determined, is a result of the reality star’s relationship with her father.
Not long into the episode, Laura shared that she’d been molested as a teen and her father very cavalierly said he didn’t know and implied he thought his daughter was a liar when she told him about it years ago. It also came to light that he was very critical of Laura and pushed her too hard as a child which is why she feels like she has to fight for everything. He also set the example of how “the man of the house” behaves, coming home at 2 in the morning sometimes and making the kids get out of the bed and clean up if the house wasn’t to his liking. When Iyanla asked where he’d been into the wee hours of the morning, he said “work.”
“So the man who’s not there gets to say what goes on… just like Gilbert does,” Iyanla said, drawing parallels between Laura’s father and the father of her four children.
“Doesn’t matter whether you agree or understand, whether you’ve seen it or experienced it, what I know is all women marry their fathers,” Iyanla declared.
Immediately, my mental wheels started turning. I’d heard the notion before, even seen a few examples of ladies who married men like their dads — for better or worse, but all women?
I chatted about the episode with my coworkers afterward and we all came to the conclusion that not much came of it. For myself, however, I’m not sure if I cared so much because I want Laura to heal or because I needed a blueprint for finding an alternative to marrying my own father.
I love my dad — now. We have a relationship — now. I’m not married but I can see how I regularly involve myself with men like him — now. As a child, my dad was in and out — mostly out — of my life. He couldn’t be bothered with me 364 days of the year, but when he came into town on that one, my entire world was supposed to stop. I remember he called me one morning when I was in high school to say he was home and wanted to see me. I told him I had to work that day, he told me to call off. I’m not surprised I’ve had a habit of rearranging my schedule for men who suddenly decide to pop up and have time for me out of fear that if I don’t make myself available to them in that moment, the opportunity would be forever gone.
And then there’s the basic act of accepting inconsistency. I’m proud to say I’ve gotten much better at not accepting two days on, five days off types of situations as I’ve gotten older. But I can’t lie and say I don’t catch myself settling into the familiar feeling of a man being around sometimes and not others. Deep down it’s not what I want, but it’s what I know. I like to think if better options were presented, I’d make better choices, but I can’t say for certain if I haven’t passed up better choices because I was seeking the wrong things.
I imagine knowledge of the psychology at play when seeking out a partner is really the remedy for making Iyanla a liar and not marrying your father — if he’s not the type of man you want to marry. But like Laura, I have a feeling most women don’t even know why they choose the men they do. And in those instances I ask, what’s a girl to do?
Do you believe all women really marry their fathers? Did/do you want to marry a man like your dad?
