First Date Signs That A Man Will Be Controlling

November 8, 2011  |  
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Here’s the thing about controlling men: they unfortunately have some nice qualities too, and those are the qualities you are going to fall for. They are probably the ones that the man will bring out the most while he is still trying to trap you into his…um…I mean, impress you.

By that time, you’re already attached to him. So when he begins telling you that you need to tell all your male friends that you can’t seem them anymore, or that he will suspect you’re cheating unless you give him the password to your email and phone, it’s too hard to walk away. You probably even tell yourself it’s because he cares about me SO much. Reality check: it’s because he is majorly insecure and rather than facing that fact, he turns his insecurities outwards onto you.

He’s not paranoid; you led him to feel like you were cheating, right? And, he isn’t the jealous type; all of your male friends are actually trying to sleep with you and break up your relationship, right? WRONG…

There are a few subtle signs to look out for on the first date that are pretty accurate indicators of whether or not a man will be controlling. If you see them, run.

He insists on picking you up

He tells you you’re on the way anyways. That you will get lost if you try to find the place yourself. He even laughs at you when you say that you have a first-date policy of always meeting the guy there. Controlling men think that they know what’s best for a woman, inferring that they think it’s cute we have these little “policies” but that they’re actually useless.

He scrutinizes the restaurant

The chairs are uncomfortable. The hostess seems ditsy. Did that waiter even wash his hands at the busing station? You’ll see that his eyes move around the restaurant a lot. Controlling men have a keen eye for detail. They will use it later to tell you that you stared at another man for too long or that you flinched when you answered their question.

He gets mad…but not at you

You spill a drink on him, or you were wrong about what time the parking garage closes and now he can’t get his car. He will look at the ground, the wall, the sky—anywhere but at you—while he clenches his jaw and swears. You’ll tell yourself well…he didn’t swear at me…but trust me, a guy like this can only try to control his temper for so long. If you end up dating him, he will have no problem looking you in the eye and saying the same things he said to that wall.

He doesn’t spend much time with friends

And if he doesn’t, he will expect you not to either. Pay attention at dinner to see how many (if any) stories he tells about fun things he has done with his buddies recently. See how many of his stories in general involve friends, and if the friends are consistent (i.e., can he keep friends?) If this guy doesn’t have a social life, he will expect you to be his social life. And he won’t be happy about you having your own.

He orders for you…and you didn’t ask him to

I don’t care how many times he has been to the restaurant and how many items on the menu he has tried. I don’t even care if he went to culinary school. In this generation, men do not order for women anymore. Want to know what generation they did do that in? Pretty much everyone in which women had very little power. Tells you something about your date…

He starts touching you, even though you didn’t give him any signals to

Controlling men don’t read your body language, or even listen to you if you say something like “I don’t like to get physical on the first date…at all.” They want what they want. And, once again, they assume everyone else’s preferences and opinions other than their own are just silly, and that they know what’s best.

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  • iG | TheRealJayLee_

    It’s me, not him. lol


    My body want to be control by a man

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  • SquirePete

    I love my mom. We’re close. I am a bit old-fashioned, but I do cook (quite well), clean and do laundry. Bartending in my younger days has left me a bit one-sided on the service industry, as I was a great server and made bank on tips. I work at a great place, making good money and at times I work a lot. I have many firends, but not a lot I regularly hang with due to my schedule. If I am really into the woman, I truly enjoy relaxing and spending time with her. According to this article, I’m a control freak.

    Seriously, where do you hate-spewers cook this crap up? 

  • If he has mommy issues or does not treat his mother with an ounce of respect run, run, and as fast as you possibly can.

  • Darkman

    I doubt you can see all those warning signs at a first date or even in the first 15 days of dating: we are too good at pretending, in order to catch our prey. But after a month or sexual intimacy, the true face will come up…
    A controlling woman will act the same way, but men never really realize that, since society teach us that is ok for a woman to control you. They say, when you date a woman, you’ll eat whatever you like. When you marry her, you’ll eat whatever she likes…

    • Tim Harb

      A lot of borderline disorder women will be controlling you and then try to turn stuff from these articles on you and say it’s your fault and that you’re controlling. By saying makes the article seem like your men bashing but you should include men looking into women for some of these behaviors as well because women can be just as bad

  • Peggy

    I was married for 16 years to an emotional abuser and sometime physical. He was not nearly as aggressive as some of the signs in this article but I do know that is true in many other cases. Some of the biggest things I learned from that was not so much how many friends did he hang out with, but how is his relationship with his own mother or family??? Other guys I dated after my divorce, this was a good clue on what they were going to be like. I am not saying they need to be momma’s boys and hang out with mom 24/7 … that alone would be a sign to run the other way. I mean, are they even sociable with them and do they seem like good people to you but he has this out and out hatred of them?
    When my son was ready to propose to his wife, he asked what I thought… I told him the biggest lesson I learned from being married to his father was… ask yourself…first: is there anything that you don’t like about your prospective future partner? Any little thing at all? I don’t care how minute it is, like, does he/she pick their nose or sniffle alot when they talk or don’t wash their hands before eating….. ANYTHING that YOU personally don’t like…. second: Can YOU live with that behavior? forever? If the answer is no, then you better move on cuz it ain’t gonna change!!! Thankfully my son said no after thinking about this and married his girlfriend one year later and have been happily married for 6+ years and he knows what bad behaviors his father had and has and does not exhibit any of them.
    When I dated his dad for 2 years before we were married, I was young, naive and thought “he would change” …. he did not and I was verbally abused on a daily basis which soon led to physical aggressiveness. And you DON’T stay with an abuser because of “the children.” Kids are not stupid. Why bring them up in an abusive, loveless relationship that may even turn them into the same creeps someday to their girlfriends or wives?? Get your “poop” together, grow a backbone and keep telling yourself you don’t deserve to be treated like this, no one does, and get out and if he is a real loser and turns into a stalker, there are PLENTY of places to get instant help from. He will tell you, you are stupid, ugly, worthless and no one will love you as much as he does or do things for you like he does… wakeup you brainwashed limp rag doll!!! You are better than that and there are real men out there who will appreciate you and treat you like you should be treated but you need to search yourself for inner strength to stand up for yourself.
    Sorry for the novel here but I did grow a backbone and am remarried, am now civil with my ex and we are friends but I see many other women and girls in the same boat or even worse and they continue to date abusive control freaks.

  • This article makes a lot of good general points,and obviously its not a replacement for counseling and intervention in true violent relationships.
    I disagree with number 5 in that some of us dont hang out with a lot of people,and I have nothing wrong with girls hanging out with their friends.The only problem is when the girl has male friends(who are probably other guys on your list)who dont want you to date their “friend”

  • Picky Picky

    Hey, Jaystain, check your work:
    “you need to tell all your male friends that you can’t seem them anymore”
    “Seem”s like you need to “see” better.

  • AmyL

    I also want to add that I believe this article is silly also. It is a couple’s personal business about certain things also,like how many friends they have,or if the man orders for the woman. I personally like it,if I tell a man what I want to eat. I can leave at any time,or order on my own. I am not being controlled. It just feels nice to be taken care of a little. If someone is touching you and you don’t like it,don’t see them again if they won’t listen to you when you tell them to stop. Maybe they thought they read signals from you thinking it was ok,and were wrong. Don’t go all ballistic,real abusive relationships are WAY worse than anything in this. This is a joke.

    • When you don’t know it’s best to stf up !

    • Good Heart

      As I hope that the answer from you is “no”, the only way that you can tell me what a “real” abusive relationship is if you have been in one yourself.

      I’ve said this once in another reply, however, I will reiterate to you.

      It is not about the nice gestures, the ones that are genuine.  Hopefully you have been fortunate enough to date men that do nice things because they are, just, nice guys.

      If I am properly reading what you wrote, you said that you “personally like it if I tell a man what I want to eat”, which perhaps translates into him teller the server what you told him you wanted.  If, I misread your post, I apologize.  Now, if is accurate, your choice remained your choice.  That’s not what the article is stating.  How would you feel if you did tell him what you wanted, but, when the serve came around, he ordered whatever he wanted for you and not what you asked for?  That’s basically him saying “your choice doesn’t matter, I know better than you”

      You are correct, there are personal matters that stay within relationships.  Relationships built on trust and respect.  No friends and requiring you not to go out with your friends is the key item in that point.  Basically, if he doesn’t go out, you don’t go out.  If he doesn’t have friends, you don’t have friends.  Get it?  It’s called isolation and it’s not healthy.

      These are warning signs, not what the relationship is 6 months from now, 10 years from now.  It doesn’t start out that bad, if it did, they would lose their “prey” faster. 

      This comes from a girl that was in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 10 years, like I said before, it took me that long to get the courage to leave. 

      If someone is reading this article and wondering if the any one of these things is telling them, in their inner most truth, that something isn’t right, and then they read your comment on how it must not be right and they must be crazy because this article is a joke, well, maybe they’ll take your words for truth and get stuck one more day.

      • Tim Harb

        Some women like men to be a little controlling. Other women don’t want a man to be a man. Articles like this are only good for who ever agrees with it had same like minded ideas of how things should be.

  • AmyL

    It’s funny how in today’s society it is seen as a positive thing for a woman to be controlling,but when a male is, it is abusive! Sexism is alive and well I see. No one male or female should let anyone boss them around in a relationship.

    • The term ‘controlling’ as used, no one believes that it’s good for women to be “controlling”  However,  your comment indicates that you are not OK with a woman having influence on the direction of a relationship.  Women should, in fact, have more control over their circumstances that we currently do.  Especially with the laughable yet terrifying GOP field out there trying to take American women back to the 1950s.

    • silygrl

      Im in a relationship with someone who is controling. I have no friends because of him and when i do develope a friendship he finds a reason to end it. And i should mention he has no soçial life. He evwn treats our kids the same way. No one should be like this or live this way. It sucks!!

      • justme

        Keep strong

  • Superabound

    So any guy that gets mad, ever, is considerate and picks you up for a date (which all men are socially expected to do), or criticizes a restaurant, even if it sucks, is a control freak? This article is a joke.

    • A joke  ? I hope YOU never have to endure it !  I’m a father who watched his daughter and grandchildren be emotionally abused by her so called husband he had all those signs and ended up with many more ! They are chameleons who only after they feel safe ie married or living together really let their freak flag fly ! Until then if you call them on it they are apologetic and full of sorrow and charm their way out . I had to threaten him physically for him to stop calling my daughter stupid and useless she couldn’t do ANYTHING right . I wouldn’t wish that kind of abuse on my worst enemy !  Physical signs of abuse are there for all to see , Emotional ones are carried by the victim alone and are hard to see and prove unless your a father who loves their child !

    • Good Heart

      The article isn’t about absolutes, it’s about warning signs.  What you are missing is how the control is taken away for any personal decisions to be made.

      You’re going to get pissed off for a drink spilling on your first date?  Really?  You can’t be an adult, know that it was an accident and that the person sitting across from you didn’t have any malice if they bumped the glass.  It is not the reaction, but the overreaction that is the problem.

      It’s not the picking up for the date.  You can offer (as what you refer to as a social expectation) and perhaps she would like that.  You’re giving her the option at that point, it’s the refusal to hear what the girl’s choice was…. that she always meets at the location on the first date.  Instead of saying, okay, he took control over and told her that what matters to her doesn’t matter to him.

      Restaurant complaints, being critical on legitimate things is not the issue, maybe she’ll said something to, maybe she didn’t.  You see cockroaches run across the floor and thought it was disgusting and think you should leave, totally fine, you’re looking out for her health.  You nitpick and really look for things to complain about, that’s being overly critical, and if it can happen so easily on a first date, it’s quite possible it won’t go away.

      The article isn’t a joke.  Maybe it’s not the survivors guide for abusive relationships, but, it contains some good warning signs.

      No one is perfect, that’s not what this is about.  Everyone has emotions, changes in moods, stress, the things that make us human.  However, control, isolation, overly critical characteristics are all red flags to emotionally abusive/controlling relationships.

      You are entitled to your opinion, this is a subject close to my heart and soul, I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 10 years…. it took that long to get the courage to leave. 

    • shekiki

      is considerate and picks you up for a date….
      The thing is the woman said she wants to go the date by her means. A healthy man should be able to get that into their skulls. a controlling man wont because of their so called small stupid policies, which is actually a controlling behaviour.

      • Keyser Soze

        Yeah except that the majority of the time when a woman says things like that, its a “test”, and they actually expect you to INSIST to fulfill expected social roles and pick them up. And if you dont, then they get upset. Most of women’s social problems are caused by the fact that they are not honest communicators.

  • A must read for all young girls! I was lucky and my instincts told me to stay clear of these guys! Thanks for spelling it out! You’ve made it very clear!

  • overagain

    I’ve been with a controlling/abusive man and he had a few of these signs. Still trying to get rid of him…

  • Adrithelibra

    I wish I would have seen this list several years ago….smh