Things You Wish You Could Say To Your Personal Trainer
If you’ve decided to hire a personal trainer then you’re a better woman than many of us; you’re willing to let someone who is an expert at being in shape tell you exactly how you’re not in shape. That’s too scary for most of us!
But having a personal trainer helps you be accountable for your choices. If you don’t show up for a session, not only do you waste your trainer’s time, but you may also waste your own money if they don’t give refunds for cancellations. If you eat something crappy and your trainer asks you about it, then you have a mild tongue lashing coming your way (unlike most of us who can eat three donuts and nobody has to know but us). There will be times, however, when you wish you could say a thing or two to your trainer. Here’s what most people wish they could say to their personal trainer.
Teach me the unhealthy way; I won’t tell!
If you want a bikini body, like, yesterday, you may want to say to your trainer, “Tell me the unhealthy tricks body builders use. If I die, I swear I won’t sue you!” But your trainer’s job is to keep you safe, so that isn’t happening.
I’m mostly here because you’re hot
You want to get in shape, but does having a very nice view in the form of your trainer’s six pack and cute butt hurt? No. No, it does not.
You’re not perfect!
I saw you at the fast food drive-through up the street. Oh yes, I did. I’m keeping that information in my back pocket for the next time you give me grief about my diet.
How do I keep eating all the donuts?
I know donuts are bad for my body in a lot of ways, but could you just tell me which workouts I can do that will let me be in shape and still eat all the donuts I want? Come on. Please!
I know you’re lying about your diet
Trainer, don’t try to tell me that this diet you’re recommending me is going to get me ripped the way you are. I know you’re eating some crazy diet of protein powder and air!
Can you be a little nicer to me?
Sometimes I just want someone to hold me and tell me it’ll be okay and that one burpee is enough for today. Is that too much to ask? Is all this yelling necessary?
I’m here for the conversation
Honestly, I just like that you’re obligated to listen to my relationship problems, my fights with my mom and my partying stories, and you can’t judge me the way a therapist would (at least not outwardly).
I look stupid; are you doing this on purpose?
Sometimes I think you make some of these exercises up because it entertains you to watch me do them. I mean really; do I have to roar like a lion when I jump? How does that burn calories?
I’m in this for the sex positions
Really, I would just like to be more flexible so my boo and I can get further into the kama sutra book. Actually, here is page 27; can you help me get there?
You and your trainer friends better not talk about me
I know you tell them about how weird I look doing these workouts and I know you all laugh at how my tummy jiggles. Don’t think I don’t know that! You perfect-bodied bullies.
How do I keep my boobs?
I would appreciate it if we could do some exercises that shrink the rest of my body but let my boobs stay the same size. In fact, if you have exercises that would let my boobs grow, that’d be great.
Tell me I need more workout clothes
If you tell me that I absolutely need new workout clothes, then I’ll have an excuse to go shopping, and my partner can’t criticize me for it. So come on; don’t you think a few more yoga pants would help me lose weight?
Are you trying to make me fart?
Because it seems like these exercises are perfectly designed to squeeze gas out of me. They should really open windows in here.
How many cocktails can I still drink?
How many cocktails can I drink a week and still stay in shape? In fact, how bad would it really be if I put champagne in this water bottle? Maybe it would loosen me up for these workouts.
Hey, I’m still paying you!
If I say I can’t do it and need to sit down, then you just need to accept that because I hired you. Hey, why are you letting me sit down? Why am I still not in shape?!
Make me look like this celebrity
This is a celebrity, and I’d like her body, just like that. I don’t care if she has butt implants you need to show me exercises that will make my butt look like that. I don’t want to hear it isn’t possible. That’s not a positive mentality, now is it?
If I vomit, it’s coming to you
If you make me throw up with these workouts, I’m directing the stream right at you. I told you I needed a break. No, I am not nauseous because I had two breakfast burritos before this. You don’t know me!
You talk too much
If I am the one paying, then I am the one who should get to vent about my troubles; not you. If you want to talk about how your father doesn’t approve of your career, you can pay me.
I’ve gained weight; you aren’t helping me!
How could I possibly have gained weight? Explain this to me! Oh here we go again with the “Fitness is 70 percent diet and 30 percent exercise” BS. Likely story, bro. Now hand me that chocolate bar in my purse.
I’m in this to be hot
You keep going on and on about how this will help my heart health, and that will lower my cholesterol. Don’t you understand that I just want a flat tummy, a big booty, and toned arms?