TMI: Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid in Relationships?

November 10th, 2011 - By Toya Sharee

I’m a firm believer in discretion, especially on social networking sites and of all things in relationships. You may have been misled by the belief that partners in relationships have no secrets, but trust me when I say: loose lips sink relationships. This can be a challenging thought for most women since naturally (yes, something else you can blame those damn XX chromosomes for) women think that the best solution to a problem is to talk it through and get it all out there. We think there are magical combinations within language that will solve every problem. But frankly, there are some things in relationships that once revealed end up hurting the relationship more than it helping it. By dissecting and analyzing every conflict with a conversation, you may be in fact creating a bigger problem than you began with. The next time your guy tells you that you talk too much, he might actually have a point.

I’m not talking about deceit, and I’m not talking about lying by omission. For example, if you slept over your ex-boyfriend’s house last night and not your bestie’s, the information is probably going to hurt the relationship once revealed, but it will also allow your partner to make a clear and informed decision regarding the relationship because he/she has all of the facts. On the other hand, I personally believe that things that took place before the relationship sometimes lay unnecessary groundwork for mistrust and jealousy, and those are two things that can surreptitiously sink a relationship over time. The truth is, some things are frankly not any of your partner’s business and once he/she has knowledge of certain aspects of your past, they may subconsciously be distracted from who you truly are in the present.

What’s your take on the following situations? Do you feel like your partner should know EVERYTHING about your past?

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Sherita56

I somewhat disagree..in a relationship is all about trust and communication. I feel if you have to some things and hide its not worth doing it.
Susie12

Absolutely. Your past should remain your past. In the initial stages just let each other know that there are things that are in my social history that you are not pleased with and will not disclose so he/she will just have to accept you for who you are NOW! If they are not willing to accept that, WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW AND DON’T LOOK BACK!
LaLaLaMeansILoveYou

I agree with the commenter above about the STD’s…no need to discuss because the STD tests we have taken TOGETHER will tell me all I need to know about his sexual past. Anything else (number of partners, etc.) is up to him if he wants to tell, fine, if not, his business.
renee

this article helped me because I am really big on asking the how many partners question and i ask about past std’s. i also talk about a previous pregnancy i had as well. maybe this is why my dates afterwards didn’t go so well
Kayjarene

If it’s gonna affect your partner then yes you should tell…….but I be damned if I just open up like a book and spill out the deails of my past realations not gonna happen.
Sugar/Spice

I personally would want to know about any STI’s my partner has had in the past. I’ll give you an example, one of my ex’s had mono (not an STI I know) well unfortunately once you have mono you are a carrier for life because it is a member of the herpes viral family. I started getting swollen tonsils & sore throats then my ex told me he had mono so I had to go get checked. Luckily for me it was just strep throat!
- Charlesstewart1964
  
  The only way to get around this is demand a health test to ensure yourself that your partner is not hiding any secrets that can harm you.
Lyndon

First you say you’re not talking about “deciet” then proceed to preach deciet. Lying by omission and hiding things in a relationship will ALWAYS be as disastrous as blatant lies. Wouldn’t you want to know if your man had a “homo” experience? This is unfair and exactly what so many men fear women do on a regular basis. Sneaky small tactics that lead to huge mistrust. C’mon writer, seriously?
- L-Boogie
  
  I agree with Lyndon. He makes some wonderful points. Plus, never talk about a man’s mother even if she is wrong. I learned that one the hard way.
- Charlesstewart1964
  
  I disagree, a 45 year old person should not have to confess all their sins that they committed in their 20′s or early 30′s to their partner. Any sin 7 yrs or older should be off the record UNLESS that sin could today still affect you or your partner or the partner just happens to ask a curious question.
  - L-Boogie
    
    That may be true in your case and if that is fine with your partner that is cool as well. However, I have been asked all these questions by boyfriends and male friends alike. So it depends on who you are talking to. Honesty is the best policy but everyone is not going to believe you or even want to know so…on to the next.
    - Charlesstewart1964
      
      I don’t know how old you are but I’m pretty sure when you turn 45, you are not going to spend time revealing to your partner the past 44 years (good or bad) of your life unless it was something that was going to affect them.
      - L-Boogie
        
        I do not know. But I would hope I have not racked up some of these things on this list. It would be hard to look myself in the mirror let alone explain it to someone else.
  - Lyndon
    
    I think you’ll find that even at 45 your past is as relevant as your present. Just ask. Herman Cain and Joe Paterno. Nothing should be off the table in a solid relationship, no matter how old or seemingly irrelavent. It will resurface and there will be some explainin needed
    - Charlesstewart1964
      
      So you feel it is necessary for your partner to know all your sins even if they didn’t asked? So that questionable sexual experience you performed when you were 28 years old is necessarily important to reveal to your partner at 45 years old? Its hard for me to believe you are going to tell your past, unless there was consequences like (STD) from that sexual experience and you are still carrying it. Otherwise that secret is going with you to the grave. Herman Cain is politics and any sins is up for grabs, even the ones he committed in kindergarten. Joe Paterno sin is possibly criminal and had negative affects on other people. If you did something 15 years and it wasn’t criminal or a health issue, take it to the grave. If you settle the issue with God, then its settled for life.
      - College kidd
        
        Preach lol
Sugar/Spice

I couldn’t agree with you more

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