The Luv Coach: School & Child – Or My Man?

October 24th, 2011 - By Alexis Garrett Stodghill

By Rebecca Brody, Certified Personal Coach
Young Black Couple: The Luv Coach on Madame Noire

This week, The Luv Coach helps a young reader get her life priorities in order. Read on and weigh in.

Dear Luv Coach,

I am a 25 year old woman with a 5-year-old child. I attended an out of state college for a year where I met and fell in love with a 20-year-old man. My child was safely and happily with her biological father and his family in my hometown and I only saw her via skype or during holidays. I struggled so much with whether or not I should have stayed in school or succumbed to the pressures of family who convinced me that regardless of the reasoning, I was abandoning my child.

Ultimately I returned and we tried and failed at maintaining a long distance relationship (mainly due to my stress of living back in a much more expensive place and not having a job or being able to get into these highly impacted schools). To make matters worse, his parents were not supportive of our relationship due to the age difference. His father believes he needs to sow his oats and that I’m a cougar who had tricks up my sleeve.

Our relationship was near perfect, we communicated well, both crazy about each other, chemistry was off the charts, and we had the potential to be a beautiful black power couple because we are both studying sciences and plan to make a difference in as many poverty stricken communities as possible one day. We are both still very much in love but know that a long distance relationship is not an option. Should I take my child and move back? Should I leave her again and just go for the home stretch and get my degree? Should I try to forget him? Is his age a factor?

Please Help,

Shawna

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  • Praidcy

    to the writer … Sometimes people forget that mothers need Love too…

  • Shawna

    For all the not so nice comments…Remember…We all need a little guidance sometimes…God Bless

  • Shawna

    Thanks Luv Coach and all who had nice comments..I really appreciate it. Sometimes when youre in a situation you cant see the forest for the trees..I still love him but like "Day" said, If we were meant to be we will. BTW My daughter is doing VERY well and I definitely put her first!

  • shawna

    Unnecessary harshness…I am merely seeking advice. I am still young too and Im sure you or someone you know has been through SOMETHING that someone else could not understand. All Im saying is…have a heart and remember it is not YOU I was asking the advice from. The Luv Coach handled it well and professionaly enough. Thanks!

  • AC Esquire

    Look into options at your college/university for assistance for parents etc. If she is school age, look into afterschool programs at the school or the local YMCA or Boys and Girls Club. You will succeed if you stay strong and believe in yoruself. You can get your budget adjusted for financial aid as an independnet student and to cover child care cost as well. I finished undergrad, and went on to grad school then law school with two children under 6. It is definitely possible to achieve your personal/professional goals and be a good parent to your child. As for the guy, if it is meant to work out it will. But the focus should be on your daughter, your career, and yourself.

  • Johnathan

    This is only a dilemma in selfishness. Shawna needs to get her priorities in order. Her child comes first. How stupid can you be? A relationship should be the farthest thing from your mind. At this point it’s a distraction. Shawna was doing well by going to school. She’s blessed that her child’s father and family seem stable & supportive. Shawna needs to get her act together, take care of her child, then when the time is right allow for a relationship.

    Forget about a man, especially one in his 20′s. LuvCoach is right, most don’t mature until after 24.As a man I say no woman should even consider a serious relationship with us until we hit 30. By then we should at least be stable enough to offer you something.

    • Miss K.

      As harsh as Johnathan's comment is I agree. I'm not a mother, but I couldn't imagine having to ever ask this question. I don't have a problem with single parenthood in itself. I have a problem with the effects it CAN have on a child, i.e. the child coming second (thought) to the needs of your love life. If your man can't get with the your life (your child, etc.) then he's not the man for you. I don't even see how this is a dilemma.

  • Jessi Bee

    how was that comment bashing men? she simply stated that he's not 100% mature enough to be a step-father and he's not. I'm a single parent and I wouldn't under any circumstances take a man seriously to be a father figure to my child if he's that young. He still needs time to grow into a man. Relax! And obviously you're the one choosing the wrong woman whether she's black or white so maybe you should focus on becoming a better man so you can attract better woman.

    Great advice Luv Coach she definitely needs to focus on her child I know love is hard to find but being a great mother is more important than building on a relationship that doesn't sound like it has potential to be all that great.

  • WOMEN THESE DAYS

    OMG! IS THAT ALLL WHAT BLACK WOMEN DO IS BASH MEN! "The age issue is also an important factor. It does not matter that he is 5 years younger than you, but it does matter that he is 20 years old. As humans, our emotional identities don’t develop fully until we are 24. He will be growing and changing in the next four years, and who he is and what he wants now, will be very different 4 years from now. Can you afford to put your child in an uncertain or unstable situation?" IVE NEVER GONE THRU THIS "CHANGE AT 24" A DAY IN MY LIFE…IVE "CHANGED" WHEN I WAS 22 AFTER GOING THRU ALL THE B.S. BLACK WOMEN PUT ME THROUGH!

    • Miss.K

      Your issues are outside of the one posted above. You have a complex that has fogged your mind beyond repair. In now way did she bash men. Her statement was gender-neutral, it was general statement about human begins. You have also not met every black women, because if you had you would know clearly that no other woman can love you like a black woman can. Was your momma a black woman?

  • http://dreamcatcher3606.blogspot.com/2011/10/confidently-single-knowing-what-you.html Day

    Great advice coach! Her first priority has to be her financial well being and her child. If this young man and woman are meant to be together I believe it will happen. But right now the focus must be shifted from this relationship to stabilizing her situation and being the best mom she can be.

    Not-so-Patiently Waiting For his Love
    dreamcatcher3606.blogspot.com

  • M3G

    Well said, and I totally agree..

    Experienced a similar situation.. Love with child’s father v. relocating out of state for school/career.. I’m at home with my child & family, degreed, and establishing my career..

    Although we (me & child’s father) didn’t make it, our (child & I) lives didn’t end.. Not bitter about one aspect of my life b/c others are progressing nicely – and so will love… with time.

    • Shawna

      Thanks!