Men: Please Stop Trying to Solve Our Love Problems

October 19, 2011  |  

Single black womanhood and related issues have become nothing but a fad that can be capitalized on and there are some women who flock to gobble up any advice. So Tyrone and Marcus, random men who’ve never had a stable relationship themselves, are ready and waiting to set up their seminar, webinar, twitter account, or any other possible outlet to draw women in so that they can spit something they heard someone else say and make money off of women’s woe.

I will say black women have dug themselves into a bit of a hole by constantly proclaiming how difficult it is to find a black man who isn’t in jail, uneducated, or running around with three kids. We didn’t think men would come back this hard and tell us we actually have some things to fix ourselves. But where’s the advice for the men who claim they really do want to find a quality woman, but can’t? They’re out there.

I know because they rear their heads every time women go on a tirade about no-good men. They talk about the women who overlooked them in high school, the golddiggers who just want their money, the women who had five children out of wedlock. These sound like some brothers in need of guidance on how to avoid non-marriage material. But no man is going to tell them that; they’re too busy trying to fix us.

If there was an ounce of authenticity to these men’s desires to help us solve our perceived man problems, then perhaps it would be worth giving a listening ear. But when all you want to do is capitalize on black women’s insecurities and make us feel like we have to compromise on what we want in a man, such advice deserves side eye. Especially when these same men don’t have any advice for their brothers. As for me, I’ll pass.

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  • D. Isabell

    Black women (most anyways) are not the real issue. Please remember that in these days and time we are being SOLD whatever. Advertisements are made to make you FEEL you have a PROBLEM, that needs to be CORRECTED. People who put out advice often time don’t know what the heck they are speaking of. I didn’t buy the book or watch the movie because it “ain’t” NOTHING Michael says or his cast says that I have not heard before. People need to think for themselves.

  • D. Isabell

    Black women (most anyways) are not the real issue. Please remember that in these days and time we are being SOLD whatever. Advertisements are made to make you FEEL you have a PROBLEM, that needs to be CORRECTED. People who put out advice often time don’t know what the heck they are speaking of. I didn’t buy the book or watch the movie because it “ain’t” NOTHING Michael says or his cast says that I have not heard before. People need to think for themselves.

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  • Inspired

    Most people commenting have not even seen Michael Baisden film "Do Women No What They Want". The film is about women telling men what they want, it's not the other way around. Michael Baisden just wrote a book for the men called "Never Satified – Do Men Know What They Want". I liked the film, I thought it was interesting. Why as educated and intelligent people, we only have to discuss politics (which is becoming more like a soap opera), current events and the day's news. What's wrong with having an intelligent conversation about relationships. Also, when Oprah and every other women was doing the same thing for years, no one said anything, why is it a problem because men are now discussing relationships.

  • bhillboy37

    He also has a syndicated radio show that is mostly listened to by women. Seriously, guys don't be listening to the Michael Baisden show like women do. Really, who wants to listen toJill Scott, Ledisi, and Kem but some 35 year old woman. I'd rather listen to DMX, Killer Mike, The Roots.

  • bhillboy37

    If Black Women hate that Black Men write books about how to get or keep a Black Man maybe you should stop buying the books. Better yet, why not write a book that goes to the top of the New York Times bestseller's list yourself. Lord knows you all need advice from somebody, all you do is complain about men on every website.

    • Cherie

      Oh please…!! do you know every black woman that walks this earth? I'm from East London, uk..do you know me??? you clearly have an issue with bw. "Lord knows you all need advice from somebody, all you do is complain about men on every website"……..if a woman is complaining theres a reason why!!. I have NO complaints to make about my man…he's not perfect but I don't expect him to be perfect…no one is perfect! but when a woman is happy, appreciated, respected and loved….and thats ALL women not just bw..we don't complain, we have NO NEED to complain. So if all the bw you have met complained……it says a lot about you!! so check yourself.

      • bhillboy37

        Plus I didn't say all black women complain but the black women who frequent this site sure do complain alot.. I hate having conversations with women on this site, you all can't read or do statistics for sh!t.

        • Anissa

          By the way, I read for pleasure, information, research and comprehension. So I understand everything you have said and the points you are attempting to make. Oh yeah! I'm also finishing my work on my MBA. I think I have that statistics thing down and pretty much on point. But as far as statistics go, I further know they can be manipulated in any fashion and to any degree the creator would like. In short, statistics lie!

          • bhillboy37

            I'm not impressed. I guess you think I should be but I got my MBA 2 years ago. Wasn't that big a deal.

    • Reese

      I have no complaints or either arguments with mine. You are kind of making are points that some of us are not looking for a man or having trouble getting a man. So to have so many articles and book pertaining to this which is not the biggest issue in the black community is annoying. We don't control the articles, but where are the articles about education, parenting, jobs, economy. health, HIV/Aids, or alot of other things we can talk about. I don't know maybe those are too hard or too depressing. But I know there are other things we can be discussing. Maybe I should start my own website. I find it odd that they don't have articles pertaining to top jobs hiring or best certificates in this economy. I think that is what frustrates me. My life has never evolved around finding a man.

      • bhillboy37

        You don't have control of the articles but you do have control of whether you read and comment on the articles. You definitely spend a lot of time making points on the article and arguing back and forth so you are showing interest in them and giving them page views. This makes the editors put more stories like it on the site because you're looking at it and commenting back and forth. Hate the subject? Pick something else to read about and comment on and they will eventually go away.

        • Reese

          When I first saw the comments from bm on these sites I thought that they were just here to stop bw from dating out because they wanted us waiting around if their relationship with nonbw don't work out. I learned from debating with you that you are saying the same thing bw complain about. Don't give up on bm like bw complain and believe rightly or wrongly that bm gave up on us.

      • bhillboy37

        Funny that all of the types of articles you describe have the least views and the fewest comments. I read those articles to and I haven't seen you on there debating any. You may do it and I miss it but you've argued with me on numerous relationship posts but I don't see you debating anybody else on any other kind of story.

        • bhillboy37

          I debate to the death but I don't mean any disrespect. I'll keep your comments in mind next time I sit and type.

  • Janay

    Bingo Kimberly….its just far far too many statistics out there that clearly point to black mens failures moreso than women. So I just don’t have any tolerance for anymore bashing of black women. And Kimberly as if those statistics aren’t enough, black women white males STILL are the most successful marriage and black male ir marriages are most crappy. I mean what else needs to be said. Black women clearly are NOT majority of the problem

  • I am glad that the sisters have stopped listening to this BS. Black women are holding it down in black communities working, raIsing families, taking care of elderly parents, running businesses and having to take care of the home. Basdien, Tavis Smiley, Steve Harvey can all sit down and shut it, they are all making money out of black women and our supposed pain. I notice that with close to a million black men in jail, 50 percent of black boys dropping out of school, 1 in 3 black men in remand, in prison or having court interaction, college rates for black men declining and black male unemployment rising and black men abandoning there children these men have nothing to say yet always comes after black women. Steve Harvey has been married and divorced three times, Tavis Smiley has never been married. I will read Iyanla Vanzant or Maya Angelou if I need life lessons thank-you.WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH AND NEED TO BE PUBLIC SAYING SO.

  • Janay

    EVerybody knows that black male white female ir marriages are more common than black female but its not all that much I think like 2.9 percent vs 6 percent with black males. The rates which are sampled from a pool means quantity is not relevant….that’s if anybody has taken a statistics course. Reese is right.

    • reese

      I find it interesting that they took the link down for the stats I gave.

  • girliusmaximus

    LOL

  • girliusmaximus

    THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

  • MJB

    Feedback implies that these people know me or my dating habits. Their generic "advice" is not applicable to every situation. You could break every one of their rules and still be happily married.

    In my opinion as an expert matchmaker *wink*, if you treat others as you want to be treated, and your partner does the same, you relationship should work.

  • MJB

    One of Hill Harper's first books was "Letters to a Young Brother," so he has definitely addressed that side of things.

    I swear media is hyping this situation. I know more black women who are married than not married. And the vast majority of them married to black men. Also, it pisses me off that they suggest that all black women have the same problems when it comes to dating. We are complex and unique INDVIDUALS, so there is no way you can tell what my problem is without knowing me, if I even have a problem.

  • Janay

    Brande thank you for writing this. There are more than enough statistics out there pointing to black men’s problems. These men should spend more time addressing their own issues with man hood, commitment, being active fathers which would help women’s behaviors in turn. But I do agree that these men who write these books are still men and their agenda is to benefit themselves in long run not women. There are not enough stand up men who will criticise other men. They are too sheep these days. SO its easier to project all blame and initiative with women.

  • lovey dovey

    People write these books telling black women on how to date white men because they want to make money and in Business, money comes over the happiness of black wwomen. No one cares about black women, all they wanna do is rip them off.

    • Smarter Than U

      i'M GLAD THAT YOU SEE THE LIGHT…

      • bhillboy37

        Nobody makes money if you don't buy the book. Instead of boohooing the fact that nobody cares for black women, why don't black women just not buy the book?

  • Anna Renee

    I need to get busy writing that book Black Man Power a few excerpts.

  • Anna Renee

    There's advice and then there's pimp game. Now what can a weak fake azz brovah like Steve Harvey teach a real woman that she hasn't already learned in high school? Not a muvfuvving thang! "Dont give up the cookies" Please. But I got a few thangs I can tell Steve Harvey about weak men masquerading as pimp playas< /a>

  • Kayla

    You are on point. I self reflect all the time. Likes attract likes. A neat person won't be attracted to a sloppy person. a frugal person wont be attracted to a person who throws money around. etcc.. If you want a certain type of man or woman they they need to be that type of person..

  • Pclark

    I guess my problem with these books is that there is no counter to men. Why is it black women need to always figure out how to handle/deal/understand black men and black men don't need to figure anything out at all? Are black men even checking for black women these days? Black men should spend time on policing theirselves not the other way around. Its nice to have another perspective but dang- when are some of these authors going to talk directly to black men? The answer to that is never. The reason being is that black men don't purchase these type of books as much as black women do.

    • girliusmaximus

      In respect to your posting, you make a good point but I don't want that kind of book. I don't want any book that gives a generalization of how women should treat men, men should treat women, none of that. What works for some doesn't work for others.

  • Kayla

    wow you've got thumbs up for a change, how does it feel 🙂

    and I also agree with you

    • it doesn't feel like anything. I suppose by 11:00pm Eastern Time I'll have 50 thumps down. LOL it comes with the territory.

  • Derek

    Brande Victorian!! Hats OFF!! Keep it REAL, keep it REAL, keep it REAL!!

    As someone ELSE mentioned — Those books are Entertainment products (at best) aimed at their intended "target audience" for the purposes of making money. Let none of us actually be confused over that fact.

    That being said, true self help books of the "Woman Look in the Damn Mirror (for reasons other than taking a picture of your butt with your cellphone camera)?!?" or "Self Check: Sometimes the Truth Hurts!!!" variety — well admittedly they are not gonna sell many copies.

    The self proclaimed "rational, educated, progressive, forward thinking Black women" out there that actually think that getting all their relationship advice from Entertainment TV (Single Ladies, anyone) and Entertainment Media (Steve Harvey's retarded book was laugh out loud funny, mind you) makes any sense — to them we can only say "You get what you pay for!!!"

    I'm just waiting for relationship-guru Tiger Woods to write a similar "for real, for real, for really real, this is what you women need to know about men" book, though I'm sure he's still perplexed as to his most profitable target market.

  • reese

    I think most bw are so tire of these articles and have lost interest in alot of this bs. All these stereotypes about single bw is so tiring. All of the married bw and engaged bw like myself was once single. So just being single doesn't mean that you are defective. And we also know some of the bm are looking for reasons to date nonbw that have nothing to do with us. We just read the article about the guy wanting kid to have good hair. So sometimes they are just putting your own inferiority complex on you. If you are attractive, fun and have a good attitude you will get a man. Don't worry about these brothers and live your life. I am a dark skinned, curvy bw who is educated and have dated a variety of men from a professional soccer player, engineers, race car drivers, doctors and attorneys. So I resent the ideal that all bw who are single have these problems when there are more ww single what is there issue.

    • Cherie

      Reese…….an excellent post!! and I pretty much agree with all that you have said.

  • reese

    I find the reverse is true. I think bm have been talking about bw all day long and how they don't measure up in so many ways. Most bw haven't dated outside the race so they have no reference to see how bm measure up or don't to other races. But what these men don't realize is it is not bw, but some bw. Why is it when we have a bad experience with a man it is because we chose a bad one and are fault. But when it comes to men it is because not enough good bw. And I am getting married in a couple of weeks to a nonbm. You do know that bw have the lowest divorce rate with white men even lower than white women. We also have a lower divorce rate with bm than white woman. And that bm and ww have the highest one of the highest so maybe it isn't all the bw.

    • Sorry to burst your bubble, but black women according to the 2010 U.S. census have the highest divorce rate of any race of woman in the United States, whether married to blk or white men. You seem to forget that black men and women have a 70% divorce rate. Please consider that the national average is only 50%.

      Furthermore, please keep in mind that the single greatest contributor to divorce in the United States is age. On paper people say it's money and cheating, but age plays the most important part because age determines maturity to solve martial problems.The younger you marry the more likelihood couples have of divorce. The older you are the lower the likelihood. Do you know the average age for marriage for black women in the U.S.? It's 35. If you go check the divorce statistics for people over 30yrs of age the divorce rate is only 5%.

      So when you take into account people 30 and above have a divorce rate of 5%, and that the average age of marriage for black women is 35, the likelihood of black women getting divorced from any race of man is minimal. Then again, remember what I said earlier about the U.S. Census. The average age for divorced black women was 49yrs of age. I guarantee when social scientists dissect the data we're gonna find out these women divorced non black men. But the data is online for you to research. It's very easy to find.

      At the end of the day, all social scientists agree divorce in America is not about race, it's about age. If more black women got married earlier in life to non black men, the overall divorce rate of black women married to non black men would expand exponentially.

      Congrats on the wedding, but do your research before you choose to debate with me.

      • reese

        That is because 96% they are married to bm. But if you go race by race we do have lower rates with white men than white women do. And ww have lower rates because majority are married to white men. Bw/wm were the lowest followed by aw/wm, wm/wm, bw/lm. I am talking about % per racial group. We are talking two different things and you know it. Yes we have higher rate of divorce because most are with bm. But we the lowest with white men and also low rates with latino men.

      • jade

        Well done. The black women have been using the card ( along with many others ) on all the blogs. You are 100% correct, and also statistically black women and white men are the least common group, versus white men and white women or white women and black men. The common groups have higher divorce because there numbers are higher. black women would stay with a an abusive white man to save face ; self hatred and insecurity ; fear of not finding another white man; or – most common in Europe – To get a visa or passport or escape poverty. Same with Asian women. White women do not have those underlying fears so they have the power to get out of ANY marriage they are not happy in.

        I do not know what is wrong with your black American women. Something is certainly wrong. This behaviour is not in any other race. Not even dirt poor Asian women in Thailand.

        From the hourly rants on blogs ; to the IR films and tv ; Books ; magazine articles and spreads ; classed, etc It just sick.

        PS: I was in Italy and saw that Russian TV report on black women alone. So embarrassing.

        • reese

          No, we are talking percentages. And the link I attached broke it down that bw/wm are 50% more likely. No they don't have higher divorce rates wm/ww are higher than wm/bm. Asian men and white women are one of the highest percentages and they are not as common as wm and aw.

        • reese

          Not true about bw staying with abusive men. Asian women date ir more than any other group by far with 48% marrying nonwhite men.

      • YNE

        Realistically and statistically overall, the older you are the less likely you are to marry due to the habitual lifestyle conflicting with a partner…. you stated, (the average age for marriage for black women in the U.S is 35,) which probably explains why divorce rates are 70% for blacks. And its funny you mentioned the average age of a black woman marrying is 35 thats is likely due to the biological clock/hormones ticking.

        I can see where your conclusion came to "age" as the bigger factor but that isn't necessarily true. A person's education and income are the bigger factors which typically can be obtained between the ages of 25-29.

        The variables with the most significant results (ironically weighed equal 24/25%) they were, income, education, kids, and age.

        The final conclusion that was made by the guys that generated the stats you mentioned was:
        It's better for your relationship to be educated, religious, living in a good neighborhood, from a two parent home, and have no children.

      • BW, when married to BM, have the highest divorce rate.

    • @Reese

      Read this carefully http://www.divorcestatistics.org/ http://elev8.com/spirit/relationships-daily-offer

      The info is very easy to follow. What I said about age will confirm everything. Afterwards consider what I said about the average age of marriage for black women in the United States. Then consider the 2010 divorce statistics about black women divorcing.

      • reese

        Two different things. We have some of the lowest divorces with other groups. It does not break it down by race in that stat you are quoting.

        • @Reese

          So you're arguing that divorces involving black women are only between black men and women? Most of us can admit that a large majority of interracial marriages don't last, especially those involving black men and women. Granted, statistical data suggest marriages between white men and black women last longer than most, but you fail to acknowledge that a majority of these pairings end in divorce.

          Think about it for a moment. You're reading divorce statistics for interracial couples. Doesn't that mean that the couples separated? Naturally, the divorce rate of black women and white men would be low because the marriage rates of black women and white men is low. Discussing divorce rates of white men and black women is like discussing graduation rates of African Americans from Princeton University. The school might boast a 80% graduation rate for African Americans but when you consider less than 2% of Princeton's student body is black, the 80% doesn't carry the same weight.

          Do you follow?

          • reese

            No, I am not. I am arguing that we do better with wm than with bm. And even better than wm/ww at the rate of 50% we have the lowest rate with white men and have the 3rd lowest with latino men which the link shows. And it isn't as rare as you think at 4% bw married ir.

      • reese

        You do know that the majority of ww are married to wm with less than 2% married to bm. The majority of ww in ir relationships are married to latino/hispanic men. I am not saying it is all bm, but it isn't all bw either.

        • reese

          What happened to states link I gave that broke down how bw fared with low divorce rates ir?

    • ohio_lovejones

      @ reese congrats on your wedding. A question for you and brotha's that date/marry outside of the race (which i have no problem with) Why are your partners constantly referred to as a nonbm or nonbw? Even to prove a point,no one needs to know the color of your mate. I see this alot when i read posts from men and women on this site and others. To me,its disrespectful to refer to one's mate other than what they are, a mate. im sure if they were reading it,they would be taken back.

      they should be addressed the same in private as in public. I doubt anyone will say,hey,this is my non black girlfriend lol. Im sure they wouldnt like if they were reading it. I hope it works out,but who has the highest divorce rate for a certain gender/race combination is not important. we both know that people get married for different reasons. he's a great man for you because he's a great man,not because he's a nonbm.

  • reese

    I agree if a woman is single there is something wrong with her, but if man is single he hasn't found right woman yet.

  • reese

    They are not qualified to give advice. How did they become experts. I think I would be more inclined to listen to sister who got the type of man she wanted than some man talking about what works. They have no perspective in my opinion of what we deal with. I would never try to tell a man how to get a woman. Atleast Dr. Drew has education behind it. My major problem is that most of them just trying to sale books. The issues that they talk about is redundant and not applible to bw like me or in my circle. I suggest if you have questions to ask a sister who got the type of man you want or ask the type of guy you are interested in what he looks for.

    • Smarter Than U

      Good question. How did the writers for this very site become experts, they are constantly offering advice and passing their jaded opinions off as facts but are hardly ever questioned. Some people will talk all day long about other people's faults but don't want to listen to someone talk about their's.