Funny Thoughts Every First Time Dieter Has

March 7, 2017  |  
1 of 20 during the holidays

If you’ve managed to skate through life eating whatever you want, never seeing your weight fluctuate and wearing the same size since you were 14, then it may come as quite a shock when you put on five or ten pounds one day after one of the big changes (your first serious relationship, your first serious breakup, your first child, pre-menopause…you get it). And then what do you have to do? Diet? Diet? DIET!? Psssh. That isn’t happening. Oh, wait, none of your pants fit, so it is happening.

But you’re not used to thinking about what you eat, so you have to train your brain to work in a whole new way. It may not seem like it will be a big change at first—what’s a few more salads a week, right? But you probably didn’t realize all of your unhealthy habits before because you weren’t looking for them. Here are hilarious thoughts first-time dieters have.

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Oh, that’s what hunger feels like

I am just now realizing I had never actually been hungry before; I always had a snack way before I was even a little less than full. Hunger sucks! No wonder we’re trying to fight it around the world.

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I never even saw that part of the menu before

I didn’t even know there were parts other than the burger, pasta and pizza sections. There is this whole other page over here that I never even made it to before. Oh—now I see why.

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You can’t all seriously enjoy the produce section, right?

All of you smiling faces looking at the bell peppers are seriously trying to tell me that you like it here? You really expect me to believe that you don’t want to be in the frozen food isle? I’m not buying it.

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I thought that adding veggies to your pizza was a diet decision

I thought that adding vegetables to unhealthy food made that food healthy. You know—like lettuce-wrapping a double cheese bacon burger with onion rings.

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What do you mean it’s the margaritas or the quesadilla?

According to my diet, I can either afford to have the margarita pitcher or the quesadilla before my entrée, but not both. So basically life is one giant prison now.

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Maybe this is just my new size

Screw it—maybe this is just the natural course of time. Perhaps I’m supposed to be 15 pounds heavier than I used to be. Bodies change, you know! I can live with this.

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Actually, I can’t afford all new clothes, so…

Losing weight is cheaper than shopping.

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There’s something wrong with the food pyramid

We all know the whole thing should be filled with pasta and steak and that vegetables should be in little circles on the outside of it.

don't judge challenge


Okay nobody around me is allowed to order anything good

I swear if one of my friends orders something I wish I could be eating I’m going to ask them to leave. It’s just rude.

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I have to say something to the delivery people

The delivery people are going to wonder where I am and if I’ve abandoned them. I should call them to let them know I’m thinking about them.

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Eighty percent of the grocery store is useless to me now

I can’t go down that isle; I can’t go down that isle, I can’t go down—you know what, why did I even come here? I should have just picked something out of my neighbor’s garden.

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I didn’t know you could still walk after a meal

Wow. I had no idea that not feeling so bloated that you can’t move after a meal was an option. This is kind of nice. Is it as nice as flan? I don’t know.

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What am I supposed to think about now?

If I’m not thinking about the snacks I’m going to sneak into my pockets from the break room and the food I’ll order at lunch and the chips basket at the Mexican restaurant we’re going to tonight then what the heck am I supposed to spend my time thinking about?

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What are my friends and I supposed to do now?

We used to plan all of our outings around food—we’d choose hikes that ended at brunch spots and choose movie theaters based on the snack selection. Now, what are we supposed to do?

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What do you mean you don’t need an appetizer?

How else are you supposed to be…appetized? How else are you supposed to prepare your stomach for the entrée? Don’t tell me it doesn’t need preparation—I can’t even.

The Worst Ways To Lose Weight

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Passing up free food is wasteful!

According to my diet, I’m not allowed to eat the free donuts in the break room. Since passing up on free food is wasteful and being wasteful is against the law then dieting should be against the law.

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Man. Parties are actually really boring

I guess I don’t actually like parties; I guess I just like the nice spread of food the host usually puts out. Simply talking to people won’t cut it for me.


I wasn’t really in love with that chef, turns out

I wasn’t really in love with the chef at the grilled cheese truck; I guess I was just in love with the cheese and I was projecting those emotions onto the person who gave me the cheese.

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Huh. I don’t have to eat every two hours after all

I can actually go several hours without eating, and I won’t die. In fact, I won’t even feel half bad. This is, like, some sort of loophole to life.

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