My husband and I were dating for over a year when I first met his ex-girlfriend. We attended rival colleges so when our schools played their annual football game, our respective black alumni associations hosted a watch party. Because my husband’s old flame attended the same college as he did, she was there as well.
This was our second time attending the watch party together, but his ex didn’t make an appearance at the event a year prior. While I hadn’t met her before the watch party, I knew her name and how she looked (thanks to my investigative journalism skills and mutual Facebook friends), so I knew exactly who she was as soon as I saw her from across the room.
For about 30 minutes, we both exchanged a few glances (she would stare, then I would look up and she would quickly look away and vice versa). Despite the fact that my husband and I weren’t standing next to each other the entire evening, I assumed she knew who I was based on our swift and subtle body language (or she came to such a conclusion by using my stare and run methods mentioned above).
Eventually, my then-boyfriend and future husband walked over to me and said, “When we’re in the same vicinity, I’ll introduce you two.” I responded with, “Good because this is really awkward.”
About 10 minutes later, we were in the same area in the large room and were formally introduced. The 20-minute conversation was organic and, to my surprise, not awkward. However, we did have about seven of my husband’s friends congregating around us, watching our entire exchange intently. It was like vultures waiting on an animal to die. The only missing items, during this seemingly major occurrence, were microphones and two spotlights.
I walked back to my friends right after our dialogue ended and was hit with a barrage of questions and comments, including “You’re friends with his ex?!?” and “You’re better than me!” Of course, I wasn’t instantly interested in being friends with her. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder why I shouldn’t have been open to meeting her and why my friends would have an issue with having a conversation with their significant other’s ex? Is it really that deep?
Days after the party, she added me as a friend on Facebook. I accepted and sent her a message saying how great it was to meet her.
It’s been four years and we still keep in touch, mainly through our social media accounts since we don’t have each other’s phone numbers (that might be too close for comfort). We update each other on kids and career moves as well as share family photos. We have no bad blood and after all of this time, it’s clear that there are no ulterior motives.
The way I see it, with every former boyfriend, I’ve always known that he had a past before me, and in a few cases aside from the aforementioned one, I met their exes. In fact, my husband knows my college boyfriend and sees him regularly due to their mutual friends. He’s never been weird about it, although their relationship is more casual.
Nevertheless, the shocked and somewhat confused reaction never fails to arise when I tell my girls that I’m friends with my husband’s ex-girlfriend. To that I ask, is it taboo to become acquainted with the women of your spouse’s past? Should we instantly hate our significant other’s exes as if they are a threat to the present?
Maybe jealousy or the fear of the unknown prevents many people from forming even a cordial relationship with their lover’s former partners. All I know is that I was able to form a pretty cool friendship with a woman who just so happened to have dated my husband many moons ago. She may be a part of his past, but she’s now a part of my present.
