Items You Should Lock Up When You’re Drunk
Don’t you ever wish there was a button you could push when you were on your way home, drunk in the back of an Uber, that would automatically make any problematic items disappear in your home? At least temporarily, until you were sober the next morning. You know, items that make you overeat, that make you say stupid things, that make you do stupid things, and make you really regret drinking in the first place? After having a few drinks, your judgment just isn’t what it normally is—you’re like a kid in a candy store that can’t think of any reason to contain himself. Yikes. Here are items you should lock up if you know you plan on drinking tonight.
Drunk texting, drunk calling, sexting, DMing… none of it is a good look the morning after.
Your binge food
If you already cannot contain yourself around a bag of peanut butter-filled pretzels when you are sober, how are you supposed to contain yourself around them after having four apple martinis?
Old love letters
Getting back with your ex will seem like a really good idea after drunkenly re-reading the love letter he wrote you. Oh, and writing him a letter filled with the reasons you should get back together will seem like a good idea, too.
Old breakup letters
You already went through the phases of getting over your extreme, stabbing-his-tires level of anger after that breakup. And now you’re going to re-read the letter that ignited all of that anger in the first place.
You always want one when you’re drunk. Then you want another one, and another one, and Sex and the City re-runs are on and before you know you’ve had a pack and you need your inhaler.
Your credit cards
It’s very easy to fill up your Amazon shopping cart when you’re too drunk to remember the fact that you really only have enough money to pay for your rent and groceries right now.
The computer is really a problematic thing when you’re drunk. The computer is where you write highly emotional Facebook rants and look up videos that make you cry.
Any way to contact your boss
If there was a way to delete your boss’ contact information every time you were drunk, that would be swell. That way, you wouldn’t finally find “the courage” to send an email explaining all the ways she mistreats you.
If you find a mirror you will find a teeny, tiny zit. Then you will find a thousand more and you will dig at your face like it’s an archaeological site.
There’s always “just one more” little hair that has to go, until you’ve plucked away your eyebrows to the point that you will probably now wind up an Internet meme.
The ASPCA newsletter
Because you will absolutely start leaving voice messages on shelter machines letting them know you’re interested in adopting five of their animals.
If you watch them when you’re drunk then you’re just going to wish you had a real person around and then you’re going to do some shady stuff on Tinder.
Do you want to cry so bad that you become dehydrated? You’re already dehydrated from the vodka!
For some reason making anything that goes in the oven when you’re drunk sounds like a great idea. Nachos, cookies, pizza bagels—you name it. But you never stay up long enough to turn off the oven.
So you can just obsess over this and that beauty product you have to have and order it all online. Oh, and you’ll end up wanting some “new hot haircut.”
Now that you’ve discovered the new hot haircut you want, you will attempt to give yourself this haircut. It will usually involve bangs and an a-line bob, because you’re great at doing everything in a straight line right now.
Everybody else seems to have smokey purple hair right now, so why can’t you?! Everybody thinks you’re sooo basic. You’ll show them.
If it’s fragile you will break it. If it’s a family heirloom, you will certainly break it. If it’s something your friend lent you that is priceless to her, you will absolutely shatter it.
A globe or travel magazine
This will only encourage you to get that aforementioned credit card and computer out and book a flight that you cannot afford to a place you know nothing about.
A plastic surgeon referral
If there is something you’ve been thinking of nipping, tucking, reducing or enhancing, when you’re drunk and in that “I deserve the world” place, you’ll end up leaving messages on plastic surgeon’s answering machines.