The Hilarious Phases Of Suddenly Getting Into Exercise
So you’ve made the decision that this is the year you will become a certified gym rat. The people at the gym will know you by name. The staff will have the TV in front of your favorite machine set to your favorite channel before you get there. Drunk women will whine about how toned you are and how not toned they are, and you’ll pretend to be modest, and say you’re really not in THAT great of shape (because you know you are). Plenty of people have been there, but few have gotten far beyond the decision because the reality of executing it was….unexpected. Here are the hilarious realities of getting suddenly really into exercise.
Buying all of the clothes
First, you will spend way too much money on workout clothes. You’ll put up polls on facebook to ask what people’s favorite brands are. You’ll max out your credit card “in the name of fitness.”
Wearing them all of the time
Now you will wear only your workout clothes all of the time. You’ll wear them to get lunch with friends, run errands and go on the hike dates you organize. You love that people always think you’re on your way to or from a workout.
Too many apps
You’ll crash your phone with all of the fitness apps you download. You get the calorie counter and the step tracker and the one that yells at you when you’re near chocolate.
Getting a new scale
You must have a new fancy scale–the type that tells you you’re muscle mass, hydration level, and horoscope.
Wishing you hadn’t gotten a scale
You really regret buying that scale because it has gotten into your head and makes you feel like an awful person.
Going to the fancy gym
You buy into the idea that if your gym doesn’t have watermelon and diamonds in the water, you’ll never get into shape.
Setting a very early alarm
You set a 5 am alarm to work out. You feel nauseous and angry and pretty positive the world will end.
Adjusting that alarm
Realizing that you won’t be a 5 am workout person is tough, but you accept it and set your alarm for 7 am.
Tweeting about gym struggles
You’ve been to the gym, like, four times now so you can totally relate to the fitness community on Twitter.
Overdoing it and hurting yourself
The day you realize you can do thirty minutes of exercise and it doesn’t hurt–you go ahead and do two hours. Then next day you wake up and think “Ouch! When did I give birth?!”
Being shocked at the laundry
You kind of forgot how often you have to do laundry when you sweat buckets in and drool all over your clothes.
Being shocked at your appetite
You also forgot how hungry you would be. You’re eating so much that the exercise is barely worth it!
Finding better ways to address your appetite
You finally do some research on low-calorie, filling snacks to eat after a workout.
Becoming anti-social to exercise
You start telling people you can’t hang because you’ll be at the gym.
Realizing you really miss your friends
You really miss your friends and are pretty lonely (and know your friends are talking sh*t about how you think you’re better than them now).
Inviting friends to exercise
You think of a compromise: you’ll invite friends to exercise with you so you can work out and socialize. You obnoxiously manipulate social interactions into workouts.
Realizing that’s pretty distracting
You realize you run really slowly when you bring your friends, and your workouts end at the ice cream shop.
Seeing some results
You see the tiniest bit of muscle definition and go nuts! You’re wearing all of your tank tops and crop tops and posing in photos so that those muscles are seen.
Talking about those results whenever you can
You find ways to casually drop the fact that you recently lost weight into every conversation.
You run into someone who is in seriously good shape–like a fitness competitor–and realize you need to check yourself.