9 Reasons Why YOU Think Chivalry is Dead When It Isn’t

70 Comments
October 12, 2011 ‐ By L. Nicole Williams

Men aren’t stupid. Even fatherless, Trick Daddy-looking clones know what they are supposed to do.  It doesn’t take a Harvard MBA to open and close car doors. What it does take, however, are seemingly desirable qualities.

Chivalrous behavior is no longer the norm, because it is not required. Gone are the days when women expected men to open, hold and close doors for them. Many would rather do it themselves to demonstrate their “independence.”  Others (due to absent fathers and/or negative experiences) don’t know where to set their expectations; consequently, not setting any at all. Men adhere to what is demanded of them, which is the reason some women are professional jump-offs while others keep getting wifed.

Wondering why men don’t court you with class? You may be guilty of the following:

More from Styleblazer

More from Mommynoire

MadameNoire Video

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • Pingback: Chivalry, dead? What have you done wrong. | LPeralta Blog()

  • R.I.P Chivalry

    women are so easily guided dont deny it. thats why womens three different movements have gained such support and momentium. these killed chivalry. they didnt want men, thats fine but they made it so men will not want women and women just want be able to find a desirable suitor cause their of higher economic standing than the men. that makes men not necessarily intimidated but yea they dont want to marry a women who is already well adjusted to being single plus she most likely will have trouble reproducing by this time….. this is happening to many right now and their numbers are growing and it will get bigger as men opt to not go to college and settle with doing the worlds grunt work.

  • John

    Why is chilvary only towards men and not towards women? Women were expected to tkae care of their men by taking care of the kids and house and men were expected to work and bring money, to support the family. These days women find it sexist to expect them to take care of the man yet they find it perfectly expectable to demand a man do such and such for them. Double standard.

    One example, the Concordia Tragedy: Women called the men who ran off the boat cowards for not letting them off the boat first, they freaked out and ran off. They were called cowards and all sorts of names yet the women who freaked out and ran without helping, nothing was said of them.
    Anyone in a situation like that might react in a number of ways but to
    only pick out the men and only call them cowards is complete sexism.

    Women also said that men are using feminisim as an excuse not to
    put them first in itself is sexist. So bascially you’re saying men are here to
    serve women. No, feminism isn’t about equality (at least not these days), it’s
    about fighting for women and anything for men should be ignored.

    Some women keep stating that things for women are still unequal and sexist these days… so so flawed and incorrect. Things have
    changed.

    To all those women who called the men in this situation cowards (and don’t say
    anything about the women): You are a sexist, you probally think men caused all
    the evil things in the world completely ignoring all those evil women who’ve
    killed, etc. I bet you never brought up the men’s point, ie why do men have to
    pay on dates, be chivalrist, etc. You only look at the things expected of women
    in the past yet don’t look at the things that were expected of men. Men had to
    work in the coal mines, steel industry, etc to feed their families while women
    got to stay at home (even the ones who didn’t have any kids) and all the money
    and food that were provided men had to work for. If men plotted against women
    why the hell were so many more things expected of men (and STILL are, women get
    to choose to stay at home or work, men still are expected to work, to take care
    of the woman WHY?!)

    Men were expected to take care of women and women were expected
    to take care of men. Feminists stated this is an ideal from the so-called
    patriachal society and they said this isn’t equality. Things are still expected
    of men but to say that a woman should take care of men, feminists, call it
    sexism.

    It should only be “children first” nothing more nothing less. Men
    and women SHOULD be equal and this is equality.

  • bringoldfashionback

    I don't believe that chivalry is dead. I am making it may business to wait on a man that can show common courtesies and be a gentleman. I agree that women did create this monster because of our lack of standards and allowing the men to do whatever. I know I have been guilty of that, but I decided that I don't want this "modern" man. I want the old fashioned guy that makes me feel like the woman I am. Read my story at http://bringoldfashionback.blogspot.com/.

  • Pingback: » 9 REASONS WHY YOU THINK CHIVALRY IS DEAD WHEN IT ISN’T / TheCrashCity()

  • Korey

    Those that are blaming women/feminism for why chivalry is dead are the same individuals that condone men being rude and lazy. Because mothers these days are busy at work, they are not sitting down with their sons/grandsons/nephews/cousins and telling them that manners go far in this world… And because of this lack of education… men are getting away with being discourteous and lazy. Just because ONE woman may not want a man to pull out her chair DOES NOT MEAN every woman does not enjoy some old fashioned etiquette.

    I know it's bloody ironic to quote Clarence Uncle Thomas but to paraphrase: "Good manners will open doors…"

  • guest28

    i am sorry but this article seems stupid to me.
    there are all type of women in the world. if someone doesnt appeal to you or float your boat, why interact with them?
    I dont understand the logic of letting someone dictate what kind of human being you are. You are either a gentleman or you arent. if i felt a woman wasnt worthy of me being a gentleman, i wouldnt associate with her.

  • Bianca

    I'm tired of these articles. We need more articles on what men need to do. This is what's wrong with yall today. Other races of women out there talking about black women because yall making us look bad and like we don't know how to treat a man. Black men have issues too. Stop putting all the negative on black women. We are not all bad. Lift us up instead of bringing us down.

    • http://twitter.com/DarkCarmel @DarkCarmel

      @Bianca and I second that! I am tired of reading all the negative feedback about BW. We have flaws like any other human being on this earth. The way we are presented to the world it as if we are the worst women on the planet.

      BW have endure so much throughout history but at the same time they posessed perserverance which made them stronger. True some of us may have areas we need to work on including myself I am not overlooking that.

      I am very proud to be a BW because I wish to be nothing else despite what others may feel or think about us.

  • Bianca

    Girl you don't have to. The RIGHT man will love you for you and will not try to change you but make you better.

    • Bill

      And vice versa! The RIGHT woman will do the same very thing!
      Relationships should be 50/50 and both should open doors for each other etc etc, depends on who is closer to the door.

      Both should be equally chvalrous with each other!

  • Anna

    Uh… Now someone's just nitpicking… LaShaun is just being apologist to the rude behavior of men… There is no way around it. All women deserve respect. Pandering to men won't make them like you anymore than if you have a confident self-view…

    You're aggressive: Cheerleaders have told us to Be Agressive. B-E-Agressive! We want that degree, we have to bust our ass in school. We want that promotion, we gotta haul ass at our job. Some women may apply this method to ALL areas of their life. Should she be demonized and disrespected for it?
    You're Overtly Sexual: Sexuality is like proving obscenity… you know it when you see it. Yes, it's easy to slip into sleeze territory but unfortunately, there are more women than men in the world and because of that woman have to compete. And I would think that the woman that's stacked would get attention… Because guess what? Plain Janes like me STILL don't get the attention that Buxom Brenda gets….
    You're loud: Yeah, that's a given… some people obviously missed that day on Sesame Street/kindergarten where you learn "Inside" and "Outside" voice.
    You Pop Your Gum: Now… that's just nitpicking… I won't go further.
    You're Militant: I think of that episode of "Living Single" where Sinclaire was a Black Panther. She said "I may be militant but my mama's out there." Which means she had a soft spot. And despite her militantism, Overton STILL DUG HER! It takes a real man to be respectful of a woman with a strong sense of values. Why is it that men can be militant but women cannot?
    You Don't Give Them A Chance: Sure we do! They just keep failing at it…
    You Complain Constantly: Everyone complains. And that's because there is always something to complain about.
    You Curse Like A Sailor: Uh… Men curse like sailors… And what is really annoying is when men think it's alright to curse at me…
    You Don't Speak Up: If you speak up, you're told you are too rigid. You don't speak up, you're seen as weak. PICK A DAMN SIDE PLEASE!

    What about being too religious? When you're answer for everything is "God would have wanted you to open the door for me" or "According to The Lord's word, you are supposed to pick up for the check." That's a turnoff too….

  • NUMERO

    It depends on the woman.

  • Rastaman

    This article affirms what I have always believed that if you want to be punitive of women’s behavior get another woman to oversee. As they surely enjoy punishing other women for not conforming.
    While there may be something to some of the ideas expressed, I just do not like the implication of what is said. Everyone talks about chivalry as if it occurred in a vacuum for the benefit of women. It in fact originated in a society where women were property and had no rights other than those dictated by men. A man acting chivalrous today is more an expression of kindness than an exercise of manhood. Kindness is universal, a human virtue not some currency to be traded in the sexual/gender marketplace. I am not opposed to kindness but I am opposed to forced conformity, dictating how people should dress or conduct themselves without a contextual reference. No one is going do something if it lacks meaning.
    I am sure the author thinks of this piece as the type of attention grabbing fodder that makes for good conversation but it really is just another boorish, judgmental unqualified attack article, full of inflammatory words and visuals but offering nothing in terms of substantive commentary. Stop trying to portray a gender divide where one does not really exist. Norms have changed stop trying to re-impose gender normative behavior.

    • Big Mike

      Agree. Sadly, articles like these aren't going anywhere. It's very hard to come up with original content for sites like these, so these writers will write about the same topics but just add a twist to them. 1) IR dating 2) Types of men to avoid 3) chivalry 4) marriage 5) lack of "good" men – these topics will just get rehashed forever.

    • Brodie

      You do have a point about the legitimacy of chivalry. Read about in HIST 1010.

  • Erayna

    No, lol, I dont think it's too much at all, and I would think that if one did have a man like that, you would be moved to treat him as well as he treats you. I think you have the best comment I've read on this board thus far.

  • IllyPhilly

    A real woman knows how to let a man be a man. Some men like being helpful n needed. I'm all for independence, but I know when and where to speak my mind and take a stand. Some ladies don't have that finesse, they think independence is being angry and arrogant.

    • http://twitter.com/DarkCarmel @DarkCarmel

      Preach it again!

  • Fancy

    Chivalry is as dead as you let it be.

  • Annelli

    PREACH MELISSA! That is so damn true….I see articles all the damn time about what women need or should do to get and keep a man. It's ridiculous if you ask me b/c getting and keeping a man isn't that serious.

  • blackchild

    You have generations of women who were hell bent on shrugging off traditional gender roles of cooking , cleaning, and rearing children while simultaneously demanding men uphold traditional gender norms. They try to shame us by using that gentleman tag and defining manhood but reject any notion of womanhood being anything other than what she wants it to be.

    • IllyPhilly

      Those r generations of girls who have just aged, not women.

  • http://twitter.com/YoungCosby @YoungCosby

    Only YOU are responsible for how a person treats you. Stop blaming other people for your shortcomings.

    • Angela Davis

      Correct. 100% right. And if you don't like it, then you have the power to change it. What I'm saying is that the "core values" that MOST men and women lack SHOULD be taught by their parents or guardians. Those parents/guardians who did not teach have done their children a disservice. Men/Women who don't know how to properly court a lady or woman who lack proper etiquette haven't been taught how. To the statement raised by ohio_lovejones, she is also correct in some degree. If I never saw or was taught how to treat a lady properly and how to act as a lady from a ROLE MODEL, then how can you emulate it. It has to be taught. It doesn't mean that you can't learn as an adult, we are all still learning in life.

  • http://twitter.com/DarkCarmel @DarkCarmel

    @Angela so true and you hit it right on the head.

  • http://twitter.com/DarkCarmel @DarkCarmel

    @Mike you made some good points.

  • BabbsJOnes

    must be an insecure man writing these articles.. lump all women in one category and call them nuts.. yeah.. No I don't mess with pigs only gentlemen

  • http://twitter.com/DarkCarmel @DarkCarmel

    @Brian K Preach it man! and Thank you for expressing yourself so nicely. Good point.

  • Angela Davis

    I think the main issue here is that men, from all races have not been taught how to court a lady. As well as ladies have not been taught to how to be and act as a lady. And that comes from the home. These values are instilled in us from an early age. Your parents, be it a mother or father, if you're a single parent (let's not play the single parent game), teaching you if you are a male, to open doors for ladies, pulling out chairs so they can sit, holding the groceries etc. IF your parents (mom or dad) didn't have you do it as a kid, then your not going to do it as an adult. And for the female, if your parents (mom or dad) didn't teach you that smacking was rude, talking loud, etc. was a mess then you wouldn't know that it was wrong. It stems from parenting. They are who to blame here. Not a black thing or a white thing. Parenting 101. I urge my young parents to instill these core values in your kids NOW.

    • ohio_lovejones

      I dont have any kids,but understand the important roles that parents play in our upbringing. The thing is im not going to blame parents if a man doesnt have manners. a person has to take responsibility for what they do and say. after all,there are kids that dont grow up in ideal situations,but will have manners. there are kids that grow up in stable homes and were taught well,but still dont give a damn.

      • Angela Davis

        You are right. But, as the bible says… Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. The probability of those who were taught by their parents of proper etiquette and how to treat and court a lady who be higher than those who were not. To your point though, there are some adults who had strong upbringing that have strayed from what they were taught. Which baffles me because for a man or woman it only makes you more appealing. It originates at the core, which is home.

      • Angela Davis

        Also, forgot to touch on "kids that dont grow up in ideal situations,but will have manners." Best believe he/she was taught from someone (teacher, preacher, aunt, grandma, etc) manners. As our old folks would say, it takes a village to train a child. Kids will emulate what they see and hear. Everything has to be taught from somewhere. I think IF men/women were more patient and less judgemental we could teach those who weren't aware. That's why women have to mold their men who have potential to be so. I do find it to be less with men molding women. I guess they figure they should already come "Prepped and Ready." But for the men out there if you have a homegirl or a cousin who lacks proper etiquette it should be YOUR responsibility to teach her and mold her.

      • IllyPhilly

        So damn true!!! When it's all said and done, free will will always win. That whole, if he treat his mama good, he treats women good, is bogus. Ask any rapper's mom that question then go ask their babies mothers'. Bible quote all you want, kids get brought up in the church their whole lives and still stray! Damn near every politician is proof of that.

  • somethingdifferent

    lol no, not too much at all…

  • Big Mike

    And like the guy above said, there is PLENTY of material out there to help guys score women. Men have gotten wiser – being a "player" and having "swag" is the in thing right now, because it works. They will settle down when they feel like it, if ever.

  • Brodie

    One of the hardest things I had to do was let a GUY fix my flat. I have 8 trades licenses and certs and fixing a flat is basic to me. But this man stopped when I was lifting the car and got out rolling up his sleeves and looking like he was about take down Xerxes for Sparta. I wanted to stop him but damn it he looked so determined and dare I say delighted. He wouldn't take anything from me, not even a rag to wipe his hands. I won't lie, I pulled over later to check the lugs a few yards later but I honestly think he just felt good about helping me.

  • sweettea

    I don’t think this article was saying that doing these things will prevent a woman from finding a man to marry her just that it might discourage him from being ‘chivalrous’. That being said you could never do any of these things and still have some guy walk ahead of you and let the door close on you or not pay the tab on a date he invited you on. If things like that bother you then speak up or don’t date the guy anymore because if thats who he is it’s never going to get any better. Personally I expect chivalry and for the most part I’ve gotten that from the men I’ve dated. Some of those guys still turned out to be jerks though so chivalry isn’t a substitute for decent and good. Example for a little while in my early 20s I dated a flower buying, door opening, check paying, lying,cheating dog. He was really polite with no concience :-(

    • Annelli

      PREACH THE TRUTH! Although Chivalry is great, but only when it's coupled with other great characteristics. Just b/c a guy buys you flowers, takes you on weekly dates, says "I love you" doesn't mean he is a "good" man, it doesn't mean he isn't a cheater, a liar and jerk. It's like you said, the guy was very polite, but was a jerk—a cheater with no conscience.

  • ms’sasha

    I’m not saying the problem isn’t with men and women but women do need to do better. There are a lot of hoes in the black community and a lot of women who will sleep around even if they’re in a relationship, get pregnant and have multiple baby daddies. If I was a man I wouldn’t hold the door open for them or act chivalrous in any way.

  • IllyPhilly

    What's good for the goose may not be good for the gander. What keeps your man/woman will dead the next lady's relationship. Everybody quotes stats out the a$$, yet when it's all said and done no study of every relationship of any kind that ever existed will ever take place. This should just be an article of entertainment not a bible for finding and keeping men/women.

    • Brodie

      +1

  • Soconfused

    Like someone stated before, all theses qualities I’ve seen in some women have a man and able to keep one. I’ve seen strippers get wifed up. I mean got the ring and walked down the aisle. So this is some bs.

    • Annelli

      I agree…lets face it, a "good" woman has a different meaning for every man. A "good" women to one man maybe that she does everything he says, when he says it, and how he says it—basically someone who isn't going to challenge him and as long as she does that, she is a "good" woman in his eyes. A "good" woman to some men maybe that she is aggressive–she is a challenge, she has a life outside the relationship, she isn't clingy, she isn't needy and etc. And a "good" woman to some men maybe that she looks great—that she is a 10, so it's just different.

  • http://twitter.com/DarkCarmel @DarkCarmel

    Yeah chivalry is definitely dead alright because just look at some of the comments made by men about women on this forum. I am all for being open and honest but some are just mean spirited and hateful. There is no tact or consideration of others feelings. Unbelievable!

    • IllyPhilly

      Because its so easy for people to be internet gangstaz. Don't let it get you down just remember what Salt n Pepa said, opinions are like a$$holes, everybody's got one.

      • http://twitter.com/DarkCarmel @DarkCarmel

        @IllPhilly…LOL you right…."internet gangstaz" I like that….LOL

    • ohio_lovejones

      chivalry isnt dead by any means. there will always be us men that chivalrous and there will always be little boys that just dont have a clue.

      • http://twitter.com/DarkCarmel @DarkCarmel

        Thank You!

  • JustAshley

    Its not always so cut and dry.
    *
    1. I dated a nice looking educated brotha who had a great job and whose parents were still married but we went out twice and twice he walked in the door ahead of me. Looking back- dude HATED his mother.
    2. I dated an a brotha who was ex-military, had a great job, highschool education but was well read and had only met his dad when he turned 18 and he NEVER failed to open doors for me, to pull out my chair…..Looking back dude LOVED his mother to death.
    ***I was the exact same person in both interactions**
    **Sometimes the way a man treats you is moreso about how he was raised and whether or not he loves his mom versus who you are….#I'mJustSayin'

    • guest

      I tend to agree with your assessment. I think the key is knowing when to dismiss the one lacking hometraining- or as is the case more often than not- refused to EMBRACE his hometraining.

      Folks are QUICK to blame women/mothers, yet a lot of the poor behavior on BOTH sides of the gender coin are simply WILLFUL CHOICES.

      • Kori

        I do not want a man that loves his mother or any females in his family.

        • RD

          Then he’s never going to love you or his children as he should if he could not love those closest to him for his entire existence.

          You’ll just be his best friend with benefits if he cannot love a female so close to him such as his mother.

          Everyone has their own opinion, but, I’ve never met a woman who was looking for a man that didn’t care one ounce about the females in his family…this article clearly is not for you, but, about you.

    • Annelli

      I totally agree with you because, I have had similar exp. with men…..so it's not always so cut and dry as you cited. Women can't always be blamed for how he decides to treat a woman because, there are men who will have a great woman at home and treat her like crap simply b/c he has mental and emotional problems he has yet to resolve them. He may have mommy or daddy issues, it could be that he has never had positive exp. with women, thus he doesn't deserve they deserve respect…who knows, there can be lots of reasons why. All I can say is that when a woman encounters a man like this, don't put up with it, leave the relationship because, unless he gets help it won't get any better.

  • Rogaina

    haha…
    ..
    Apple Giving away iPad 2's in Honor of Steve Jobs Death (founder of Apple) .. http://goo.gl/FfRx4 i just went ahead & got 2..lmao

  • Mrz. Jonez

    Okay Innocent Truth I agree with you to a certain extent however it cannot be narrowed down just to women having a problem. As a whole we’ve all got to do better. For every loud, unruly uncouth woman out there there’s an unemployed, saggy pants, deadbeat man. I am repulsed my both and while I totally agree with the article the same can be said for some men out there. Your thoughts?Are you familiar with the William Lynch Letter the making of a slave? I strongly believe that a lot of our problems as a race stem from a mentality that a lot of families have failed to stop. Check it out if you haven’t already.

    • InnocentTruth

      I'm familiar with Willie Lynch but I'm not sure how prevalent self hate is today in the black community (if you choose to call it a "community").

      • InnocentTruth

        Someone sounds angry and bitter. LOL

    • somethingdifferent

      why are we still blaming Willie Lynch for what's happening today?

      excuses, excuses, excuses!

      sick and tired of this…

  • darcampb

    Awesome, another person blaming men's bad behavior on women. The way you treat others reflects, as always on yourself. If you think a woman is trash, unworthy of respect, then why are you dealing with her at all? What does this say about you?

  • InnocentTruth

    This is because women are the problem.

  • Jimmy Swaggered

    Welcome back brothaman!

    • InnocentTruth

      Thanks, it feels good to be BACK IN BUSINESS!!!!

  • http://interracialdatingcoach.blogspot.com/ Zabeth

    Basically if you want men to be gentlemen you have to be a lady.

    • Ditto

      exactly. the issue is females dont WANTto be ladies anymore. they think they are ladies by default.

      • Annelli

        It's not that cut and dry. There are women who carry themselves in a respectful manner and men still won't respect them—so in that case, I wouldn't associate myself with that type of guy. I have seen guys call a woman degrading names whom just happen to be walking down the street or something. So just because, you deserve something doesn't mean you will always get it. There are just some crappy men out here in the world and they will be that way until they day they die.

    • IllyPhilly

      Yes! it's not cute when ya man calls you his b*tch so don't think it is!

      • RD

        Kim Kardashian likes when Kanye does it! Oh wait…

        Forgot she has 0 class and has done nothing but date celebrities and keep her legs open!

        Women, look at those who you watch on TV, look up to and idolize. Do you really want to act like that? Do you really think those women are attracting decent men? Do you think you will attract a decent guy by doing the same thing?

        From a traditional valued, classy guy to all the girls out there: Grow up, we want women back! Act like a lady, not a teenager begging for attention!

  • Prissy

    Again, I have stated this on another article like this last week… All the traits stated in this piece are usually who I see with the boyfriends (or in a relationship) on campus. So what's this supposed to mean? Clearly there must be someone out there for everyone?? I'm confused over here.

    • jonro

      chilvary ain't dead..he just don't like yo ass..

      …Apple Giving away iPad 2's in Honor of Steve Jobs Death (founder of Apple) .. http://goo.gl/FfRx4 i just went ahead & got 2..lmao