Hilarious Things You Do When You Want To Have Sex But Won’t Say It
Sometimes you just want sex to be your partner’s idea. Maybe you’ve been together for years, and it seems like you’re the only one who realizes when it’s been a week since you did the deed—your partner is content with the rhythm you’ve fallen into, and it’s hard to believe you used to do it three times a day. Maybe you just naturally have a higher libido, but if you say the word, your partner will dig up some of his sex drive too. But is it so much to ask that sometimes, your partner wants you so bad that he doesn’t even notice the pizza burning in the oven? If these woes and tribulations sound familiar to you, then you’ve probably done some pretty hilarious things when you wanted to have sex but didn’t want to have to say it.
Sitting on his lap at a weird time
You have three couches in the house, and yet, his lap seems like the best seat. And you’re going to do a lot of adjusting when you’re there. Gosh, you just can’t seem to get comfortable. Maybe if you sit on this side, or maybe if you sit higher up. Maybe if you both sat around pant-less!
It doesn’t matter that you’ve had to close all of the blinds to stop your neighbors from complaining, or the fact that it’s the middle of winter—you just feel like being naked today. You will continue to be naked, through dinner and folding the laundry until your partner gets the damn hint.
Play adult movies
It’s a new hobby of yours. What of it? You think it makes nice background noise, really.
Walk down memory lane
You take a walk down memory lane by reminding your partner of all of the times you had sex in weird places or positions. It’s just breakfast conversation as far as you’re concerned.
Get in the shower with him
You get all sudsy and ask him to rinse you off, but he’s busy putting anti-dandruff shampoo in his hair. Oh, and you got suds in his eyes so now he’s at the sink rinsing them off.
Just lie on top of him
Hey, when you get desperate, you might decide that the best place to fall asleep is directly on top of your partner. Something has to click for him.
Set your alarm early, on accident
Oh, your word, you could have sworn you set that alarm for 8:30 but here it is going off at 8. Whatever will the two of you do for this extra half hour? Oh, he’s going to go for a jog. Wonderful.
Reminisce on your lesbian year
This seems like a good time to reminisce about that year you spent experimenting with women. Yeah—that’s what you’ll talk about when your partner is shaving.
Post a hot selfie
Just so lots of other men can comment on how hot you look in it, so your partner can see their comments and feel that he should take more advantage of your, well, hotness.
Become very busy
So he’s not taking the hints—fine. You’ll just book up your weekend with club nights with your girlfriends. Maybe then your partner will think about what he’s missing (even though you hate night clubs and are sleepy just thinking about them).
Joke about being just friends
It’s time to cut the subtlety and take any chance you get to crack jokes about how you and your partner are basically just friends now because of the zero sex you’ve been having!
Buy several vibrators
Right in front of his face, so he understands how useless he is becoming.
Suggest he bats for the other team
When the “we’re just friends” jokes don’t work, you start to hit below the belt and suggesting that your partner is in love with his favorite sports player, his best friend, his personal trainer…
Visit a friend for a few days
This is the dramatic version of keeping busy over a weekend. Now, you’re going to buy a plane ticket and go away for a week. See how your partner likes that.
Miss a few calls
And you won’t be answering all of your boo’s calls when you’re on this trip, either. Oh no. If concerns and thoughts of you having met another guy trickle into his brain, so be it.
You stop shaving or waxing your va-jay-jay entirely, and begin joking about how you can’t even find your vagina down there anymore but that it doesn’t matter because nobody’s looking for it.
Eventually, you won’t be able to take it anymore, and you will explode. “Do you even realize that we barely have sex anymore?! I mean, if you don’t realize that then we have a serious problem!!!”
Then he’ll try to have sex
But then you won’t be in the mood because you had to explode to get it. The vibe is weird now.
Then you’ll feel bad
And you’ll say you two should have sex—you’ll say you shouldn’t punish him for trying to make things right.
You won’t enjoy it
It won’t be as great as you thought it would be because you still remember all of the crazy sh-t you had to do to get here.