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Getting bullied by my peers during childhood turned me from being outgoing and funny to an isolated, timid and depressed kid. I was usually the jovial one but the more I was told I was fat and ugly the more detached I became. I started to get nervous about being around kids my age because of the hurtful comments I thought they would say to me. My lively spirit slowly died as I became a self-conscious loner before I hit my teenage years. The only thing that calmed my anxious mind was eating. When I ate, the feeling of loneliness and uneasiness faded away. I felt comforted and a flash of euphoria while stuffing my face. McDonald’s, White Castle and my mother’s southern home cooking became remedies for my pain.

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I’ve always been an extrovert, but it was safer to stay home and be alone as a child because I didn’t have to face the constant ridicule about my looks. It wasn’t like I had many invites anyway. The only thing I looked forward to was eating. When I was sad and bored (which was most of the time), I ate. One bowl of Cap’n Crunch was never enough. One plate of food never sufficed. By the time I was in high school I was 236 pounds. I didn’t like my size and was always insecure because of it, but I wasn’t quite ready to stop pacifying myself with burgers, fries and chocolate just yet. Once I became a sophomore in college, I figured out that it wasn’t worth it.

No matter how low I felt, eating constantly didn’t change anything. Besides making me heavier, I was putting myself at risk for diabetes and high blood pressure which run in my family. Plus, after chowing down on such big meals, I began to feel guilt instead of bliss. Food was what I learned to turn to during times of stress, anger, sadness, loneliness and even happiness. I was killing myself instead of the pain and I had to make some changes.

I educated myself about the food I was indulging in. I loved to go the cafeteria on Norfolk State University’s campus and eat fries, pizza, waffles and whatever the main entree was for the day. I was introduced to Chik-Fil-A and it became the new must-have munchie after class. All these eats were high in carbs, fat and sugar, and once I learned how they were breaking my body down, my greedy ways subsided.

When I started exercising, I decided to cut out a lot of the foods I satisfied my piggish appetite with. I stopped eating beef, pork, sweets and cut out soda. I wanted to build my self-control so when I had dark days I didn’t run to the nearest food court on campus. Plus, I noticed that after I ate these foods I felt horrible physically. I would have chest pains, feel sluggish and fatigued most of the time. Exercising not only helped me keep away from the junk but I also felt invigorated, a feeling that I never achieved by being gluttonous.

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Being an emotional eater was soothing. As I devoured my favorite foods I escaped my own self-loathing thoughts that were planted by my bullies as a child. As an adult, it was my way of coping with whatever stressor was there. A bad habit turned into an addiction. Now when my stress levels run high I turn to the gym, my journal, my book of poetry or my friends. Food is for sustenance, not self-medicating.

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