Reality Check – Not Every Man is on the DL

June 29th, 2010 - By admin


Anslem “NWSO” Samuel’s Naked With Socks On is an award-winning relationship blog. Each week, NWSO will share his candid thoughts on women, love, life and all the fun stuff in between with MadameNoire.

As I was reading through the comments on last week’s post, “Real Men Like Real Hair – Why Weaves Don’t Work,” I noticed an old conversation come back up. A brother who goes by the screen name MrHealingHands chimed in his thoughts on women who don’t upkeep their weaves. No biggie, because in essence I wrote the same thing in my post.

In response to MrHealingHands’ comment, though, two separate women called his sexuality into question. “You sound gay or a little metrosexual to me,” said one, while the other, basically implied he was on the DL.

The idea of men being on the down low is nothing new; women have been throwing the term around for longer than I can remember. Now, while I don’t deny that there are in fact men out there leading secret lives, I really don’t think the issue is as serious as some paint it out to be. Just because some book, magazine article or even a blog (how ironic) says DL brothers are everywhere doesn’t make it true.

Still, a lot of sisters are having a field day calling any and every brother under the sun gay or bisexual. Part of me understands why more women’s gaydar is going off these days, though. With “metrosexual” becoming a fashionable term and some guys spending more time in the skinny jeans section than the ladies, it’s no wonder some folks have doubts about which men are playing for the other team.

While I’ve  given the ladies a hard time during my short span here on MadameNoire, I’ll point the finger at the fellas on this one as well. If you’re a guy that likes guys be real with yourself and your woman. I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone to come out of the closet—male or female—but playing with people’s emotions is not cool.

Sure, the average man may fantasize about having a girl that’s into girls for the ultimate ménage trios, but if I found out someone I was dating was more into being with chicks than me, that would hurt my ego a bit. Besides that is the fact that it would just be dishonest; and who wants that?

The reason people date is to get to know each other in hopes of building a solid relationship, but that’s virtually impossible when the person you’re going out with is lying about their sexuality. I’ve always operated under the belief that honesty is the best policy. So if you’re a man (or woman) on the DL but are still dating people of the opposite sex, do yourself and straight folks like myself a favor by being upfront about what you’re looking for. Maybe that way there’d be less women wasting time trying to spot DL brothers instead of keeping an eye out for the real ones.

For more on NWSO’s relationship advice and bare-naked truth, as well as his popular weekly erotica series, Wet Wednesdays, be sure to check his daily blog, Naked With Socks On, here.

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  • Elle

    Well, it may not be a problem in the STD department but it is still betrayal. And that usually doesn't sit well with people in relationships.

  • Mimi

    Even if a brother is suspected of being on the DL, then it shouldn't be a problem if the women that he is sexing is making the brother use a condom for every sexual encounter.

  • Kitty1026

    @NWSO: Yes… I did! ATL is just that gay!

  • http://www.ask-anditisgiven.com/ Ask-anditis given

    Ask and it is given reveals more about the "Law of Attraction" and how it can be used to help live happier and more fulfilled lives.

  • lola289

    There are men that are wasting womens time PERIOD! STRAIGHT and GAY… if they cheat then its a wrap!
    I wish ppl would stop makin folks stay in ‘the closet’… dammit :-(

  • Elle

    Welp, I'm still kinda doubting my ex's sexualty to be quite frank. So what do I know?!

    From my outside point of view homoseuxally seems to be a bigger issue in the US than here in Germany. Maybe that's why I have never heard about men on the DL out here.

    *shrugs*

  • http://www.itsjustgoldie.com Goldie

    @NWSO @RastaMan I spotted that too. Not gonna lie – I got close to my screen to see what he looks like. Alas, it's a flipping cartoon.

  • http://www.NWSO.net NWSO

    and did RastaMan finally get an avatar? Let me find out he got all dressed up for MadameNoire. Ha!

  • http://www.NWSO.net NWSO

    @JL

    I summed up the sentiments of your bullet point #3 in the last paragraph.

    "So if you’re a man (or woman) on the DL but are still dating people of the opposite sex, do yourself and straight folks like myself a favor by being upfront about what you’re looking for. Maybe that way there’d be less women wasting time trying to spot DL brothers instead of keeping an eye out for the real ones."

    And of course everyone should suspicious of valid and questionable behavior, but SOME people take things to an extreme.

    Good dialogue either way..

  • JL

    1. Why do WE need a reality check. This space would have been better spent encouraging men who are on the DL to be who they are.

    2. If you think he’s on the DL, he probably is.

    3. Don’t trivialize this issue. It’s a VERY big deal. You have men wasting women’s valuable time, essentially USING THEM TO live a “normal life” all the while living a double life. Its dishonest and unfair, almost malicious.

    4. I and my girlfriends have EVERY right to have a level of suspicion. It's more prevalent than you're making it sound in this article. My first priority is to protect myself.

    Would it be worse for me to be suspicious of a non-gay man or to end up marrying and having children with a man who's living a double life?

    I say pray, use discernment, and definitely don't ignore the signs! A good dose of suspicion goes a long way.

  • Rastaman

    Black men being on the DL is a convenient excuse for women who have issues with men. I remember years ago when this sht started, a friend of mine a woman was reading some E. Lynn Harris novel and started asking me pointed questions about me and my other single friends. Concerned that because we were attractive, not making babies and had an active social life we look like we were on the DL. After she explained what that meant, I laughed at her because knowing her dysfunctional relationship history and poor relationship choices, it was convenient for her to believe that any reasonably appealing black man who was not interested in her in her state was secretly gay. Afterall for so many years black men are portrayed as being oversexed, so when we don't try to sleep with every women we know or can no longer be manipulated by the promise of sex obviously we must now be sleeping with other men. Since sex is our life blood!!

    Since then DL drama and all that have blown up all over the place and while I don't doubt that there are men out here living that lifestyle I have yet to encounter one. I have been out and about for over 15 years in the NYC and no man has ever propositioned me or anything related to that lifestyle.

    Whenever I hear women making those charges, I pay close attention to the source. If I know that perons personally, I examine their relationship history and look at the types of men they have been involved with and how they are personally. It does not take you too long to figure out whats really going on.

    If its not the DL charge its the commitment phobic charge or some other blanket excuse for some man either doing them wrong or the relationship falling apart. The fallacy is that a majority of women are not somehow naturally endowed with the ability to have healthy relationships and so whenever there are realtionship problems its very likely related to something a man has done or not done.

    But labelling others is easy, confronting our own shortcomings is harder. Being a man is about taking personal responsibility for your own failings, whenever you fall into passing blame or disparaging another group of people because of your own personal shortcomings then you just being immature.

  • http://acford.blogspot.com A.C. Ford

    First of all, if someone is good at being on the DL, you're not going to know anyway, so stop pointing elbows.

    Second of all, maybe you can point out a homosexual male from across the rainbow, but can you pick out a murderer? A thief? A child molester?

    To clarify, I don't think that being homosexual is the same as being a murderer, thief, or child molester. Not even close. But it's funny how so many of us treat them like we think they are.

    So, when you find out your man has been strangling white women in Central Park, will you wipe your brow and think,

    "Phew! At least he wasn't on the DL!"

  • BillyJ

    This is an interesting blog and touches on an oh so common conversation. But if DL brothers would be real and straight fwd, there would be no discussion about what a guy says or wears and whether he is DL or not. The skinny jeans conversation as well as the fitted shirts, v-necks or a man who wears light colors are all annoying and immature JMO. I wear whatever the hell I plz, yet b/c I have that confidence to wear fitted clothes ppl may or may not have sideways comments b/c my jeans aren't baggy or b/c I have a pink button down. Smh. We don't live in the 80s anymore, if mainstream stores are selling them, than it must be for us to wear!

  • The Duchess

    Kitty- I TOTALLY feel you!! The men in the ATL are very suspect AND it seems as though a TON of the women here have NO CLUE that the man they are dating is gay..

    My gaydar is on POINT & has always been!

  • http://www.itsjustgoldie.com Goldie

    @NWSO …two male cheerleaders who later came out as gay. <:( I mean. Not at one time. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Enter-other-PC-side-note-here…

  • http://www.NWSO.net NWSO

    @Politicashi

    Great perspective and insight. I didn't even want to go into the whole STD assumption that so many people tend to bring up, being gay/bi etc does not mean folks are automatically magnets for STDs & AIDS. It's 2010 and people are still thing small minded-ly about the facts of these diseases/viruses.

    @Goldie

    Only you. The male cheerleader? SMH LOL

    *NOT that there's anything wrong with being a male cheerleader or that all male cheerleaders are gay (before someone misquotes me.)

  • http://www.chellbellz.com ChellBellz

    It bothers me because with all the media downing woman this has become bigger then it should be. We are in a time where men are hip to things that woman do. We are open about our beauty secrets…and it's like if any man says anything or does anything that is outside of acting like a thug he is gay. If a man says oh your hair looks nice and admires you he is on the DL…You can't win around here.

    My current BF isn't a bad boy, he holds the door, he is cvery affectionate in public, and very open about everything yet my sister who is openly gay calls him a 'FAG' every chance she gets. It blows my mind, she is totally into trying to play all these young dumb experimenting girls. Yet because my boyfriend decides to stay in the house with me on Friday night, and doesn't curse, and speaks properly he has to be on the DL…it's all twisted to me.