Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Nice Guys and Relationship Titles
Dear Very Smart Brotha,
I really need your help. I’m a 21 year old college student and I seem to have bad luck when it comes to dating. I was talking to this nice guy for a while but I lost interest in him because he seemed “too nice”, he was younger than me and I got bored with him. So I passed him up for another guy who seemed a lot more interesting. The other guy happened to be older too so I thought he would be better for me. Unfortunately, he turned out to be a total man-boy (really immature older guy) and now I feel like an idiot for ditching the nicer guy. Did I make the wrong decision? I never actually gave the younger guy a real chance. I’m not extremely picky when it comes to guys and now that I think about it, he possessed some of the qualities that I want in a mate.
I still see both guys from time to time. (They both go to the same college as me). The older guy still acts like he is interested in me. I work on campus and he stops by my job from time to time. At first, I didn’t mind but now he is starting to annoy me. What should I do about him? As for the younger guy, I really want to try and see if maybe things will work out with him. Is it too late? I’m afraid to approach him because I don’t want him to think I’m thirsty or anything.
Too little, Too late?
Dear Too Little, Too Late,
While I’m sure you’re a nice and sweet woman, you’ve unknowingly outlined the scenario that’s the latent cause behind every nice guy turned overnight asshole, the Diva Dude, the ‘eligible” single black man shortage, the down low, the future cat lady, the too bitter chick, the spread of Chlamydia, and the existence of Planned Parenthood. And, if I kept going, I could probably link the recession, Hurricane Katrina, and the career of Waka Flaka Flame to this as well.
What exactly am I speaking of? Well, the situation you just outlined — you had a choice between the nice guy and the asshole, chose the asshole, got burned, and want to try the nice guy now — is the biggest fear of every nice guy on the planet. (Well, aside from prison rape.) They’re deathly afraid of being “sloppy seconds” and having to settle for the asshole’s scraps.
Now, I’m not calling you scraps or sloppy seconds by any means, but you have to understand the mindset of a man on the wrong side of this equation. “I do everything I’m supposed to do — I brush my teeth, do my homework, recycle, and even started crocheting — but not only do I not get any “rewards” for this, women are interested in me only after they’ve been ran through by the entire secondary of the Baltimore Ravens”
Don’t fret too much about this, though. If this guy truly likes you — and if you sincerely like him, and aren’t just using him as an attention source/rebound — he’ll probably overlook the initial snub. And, although I’m not a fan of women approaching men, in this case I don’t see the problem with letting him know you’re interested in pursuing a relationship now.
But, if he says no and screams “I’m tired of eating leftovers!!!” at least you’ll know why.
Damon Young (aka The Champ)