Woman to Woman: She Don’t Want Your Man

September 24, 2011  |  

Ladies, trust me I get it – it’s hard to find a good man so when you get a hold of one you are not trying to let him go. But that is no excuse to think and behave as if every other woman wants your man too. Stay with me here…

That attractive woman who just walked in the room is not thinking about you or your man. There is a very good chance that she has a man of her own and doesn’t even notice yours. But while you side eye her and squirm closer to your boo because you feel somewhat threatened by her presence, she is shaking her head and thinking – “I don’t even want your man”.

Insecurity is so unattractive, especially when it comes to relationships with men. When we expose our trust issues to the world by doing shameless acts like that, all we are really doing is reinforcing the fact that we are unhappy and need to evaluate why we are with someone who we don’t trust. Most of the time these issues stem from deep-rooted problems within our relationship such as – when you met him he wasn’t quite “single” yet and now you fear the tables will turn on you; you’ve caught him cheating before, forgave him but didn’t forget and now you are always on guard; your confidence and self-esteem is at an ultimate low resulting in feelings of inadequacy and insecurity; and/or your man is simply no good and you know it. Regardless of which issue you may own, that jealous attitude needs to be checked at the door.

You can save yourself the embarrassment of making a fool of yourself in public because if your man is going to disrespect you and cheat on you, he will do so regardless of how many times you try to intercept and control the situation. But treating your fellow sister as if she is out to get you and take your man is just wrong. Now let’s not be a fool and think there aren’t some women out there who behave that way.  There are some trifling ladies in the world who don’t care if your man is with you or not because they have an agenda of their own. So rightfully so you may have to keep your eye out for them, but in any other case where you feel like a woman may want your man or your man may want her, trust me she is not interested and woman to woman – she don’t want your man…


Want to talk to me Woman to Woman or have a topic you would like addressed? Email me at rhooks@madamenoire.com or you can follow me on twitter @rashanahooks


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  • Patisserie

    I had a friend who invited myself and another female friend out with her and her new boyfriend. Neither myself nor the other female were allowed to sit next to the man or talk to the man without addressing her first. She kept making smart comments toward us all night. Nobody wanted that weird man but you couldn't tell her that. Funny thing is before she met him, she would be with my boyfriend and I everyday and I never treated her like that. She even accused her own mother of trying to mess with him. Her insecurities cost her some good friends and even her own mother doesn't fool with her.

  • Ownit.

    Hate it when dudes flirt then hide behind their woman's skirt then minute she's on the scene. He doesn't have to be around for the claws to come forth. I was once shopping minding my own business when another shopper discussed how I was her man's type. Pity. She was reduced to chasing phantoms.

  • Bianca

    Hmm…I don't know about this one. Not every woman feels like this. I'm okay if a woman wants my man and is looking. As long as my boo comes home to me every night. And if my man is looking at the woman that walks in, who cares? On to the next. More fish in the sea. Even if he ain't black, there are plenty of men out there.

  • No disrespect

    Honestly some of these women are something ELSE when they are with their dude. I swear…I just automatically look down and avoid any kind of eye contact because I don't want no one causing a scene.

  • schmiles

    ok so, what is wrong with valuing your man? Granted, i do agree that the woman should never say anything to another woman just for being in the room. Also, the woman should also NEVER confront their partner just because the chick walked in. BUT i dont see anything wrong with being proud of what Ive got and moving closer to him to show off. Sure, you dont want him but who cares? It's not like im trying to be your friend anyways. Take it as a compliment. Plus, guys do it all the time. Let a man have his chick all dressed up around his boys, and i guarantee he will try to show she is all his. If not, he should make his lady feel more wanted.

    • You are absolutely right. If you want to move in closer to show off. Do it! That gives him a chance to show off too.

  • raeday

    we need to have more sisterhood among ourselves! Hating another black woman for no reason or unjustified is just like hating yourself. And flirting with someone elses man is disloyal to the sisterhood! We black woman need to cherish one another and show respect!

  • Ladies, to begin with , you truly believe you have a good man. If you are wrong, at best you are a long term jump off. However, if you are right, he has finally found the LOVE he can relax with. You are the whole package, not just your body or your face. Relax with him. If you see that raving beauty walk into the room, R-E-L-A-X. Don't squirm and clutch him, YET. Step away. Let her arouse him good. Because, if you are right about him, all that arousal belongs to you. Relax and don't get stressed out. Shortly, he is going to want to clutch you and that is the right time for your pent up energy to squirm closer and passionately clutch him back.

  • TheTruth

    I completely disagree with this article!! I mostly have guy friends because females can NOT be trusted at all!!! For instance tonight I went out to have a drink with my homegirl and I met this FINE man who approached me at the bar and we were talking & he came & sat next to me etc., so we're having a conversation and my homegirl asks him what is he mixed with and tells him he looks exotic & asking him where does he live? like WTF? I told her to back on up!!!!!!! she's my homegirl BUT she was outta line for askin him those questions and it was rude and disrespectful for her to try to flirt with him like that and that is why I don't have beeyotchs around my man point blank period!!!!!!!!

    • Silky

      Girl you are so insecure. Your homegirl did cockblock you but she didn't do much. She passed a compliment and asked him a simple question. I wouldn't do it if my girl was speaking to a guy and if he initially approached her. It sounds like you were threatened by your 'homegirl'' and thought she could steal ''your'' man. The guy just sparked up a convo, that doesn't make him your man.

  • Sha Sha

    I find that most of the time when a woman is this insecure, there is a trust issue in the relationship between her and her man. Either she has caught him down bad in some way or she has done somehting on the low herself to make her think he is doing the same thing. Whenever I encounter this type of female, i make sure she and her man or the two people I make a point to ignore the whole night just let her know you are the only one in the room who thinks your man's ish don't stank. And your 'man' probably couldn't pull me if he tried because I only deal with men who associate with secure a@@ women!

    • Sha Sha

      Sorry didn't proofread. I meant 'she and her man ARE the two people' etc,,

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  • Michellea

    I love this article, I hate when women grab their men like you're going to kidnap him or something. I also think white women with black men are by far the worse when a pretty black woman comes around. I always shake my head and think why act like that we don't have the same taste in men. I don't want someone that belongs to someone else anyway if he cheats on you he will cheat on me too. That is so annoying grabbing your man and putting a vice grip on him. I

  • sweettea

    No I don’t think she’s being delusional at all. Pretty doesn’t keep a man from cheating. There’s always somebody prettier, skinnier ,taller or whatever then you and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Getting yourself all stressed out and worked up with insecurity isn’t gonna keep your man from cheating. If you can’t trust him then save yourself the headache and the gray hair and just leave now

    • Nasya

      I agree if a man is going to 'step out' he is going to do just that.

      ^5 to this:There's always somebody prettier, skinnier ,taller or whatever then you and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

      I have seen my man stare down women in admiration who were bigger, smaller, taller than me *shrug shoulders*

  • dlastqueen

    I completely understand. They do that "seat switch" in church too. So embarassing…

  • dlastqueen

    THANK YOU!! *clapping* So tired of married women giving me the side eye like I'm after their man.

    • shay

      yesss !

  • Kay

    If woman's insecurities were not so low maybe black woman would speak to one another more. They always have to give you a full up and down look then turn their nose up at you. And if you speak to them they say nothing. Woman really need to understand everyone is NOT competing with you. And please understand that what YOU might find attractive in a brother is not what another woman finds attractive.
    Let use Jackie Christie for example if you have to be on your man like a fungus because you think every woman and every woman's female child wants your man you have BIG insecurity issues. If he truly loves you he will stay with you and if he respects you as a woman he will not cheat on you. No matter how many panty, thongs are thrown his way. Why would you want to chase after or be with someone if you can't trust them?

  • candie

    I, recently had a someone who i considered to be a dear close friend accuse me of her man at my nephews funeral it hurt me more than it made me mad why she would ever think that low of me i can't figure out but i suppose that's her insecurity i, know what type of woman i am

  • cici

    Well I’m the type of woman to go to the bathroom on purpose just so he can get his look on for a few minutes and save the akwardness of it all. If he doesn’t really wanna look and I just assummed all good for me. If he does look, I’m not hating. Beauty deserves attention and I just might give a little side eye as well.

    All in all, I’m confident in myself and whomever I’m dating. I’m a very beautiful woman and not to be conceited but a lot of women can’t hold a candle to me. Unless they gotta big azz then I’m in truble lol, cuz mines only medium.

    • Diamond

      then you dont really want the man that only sees butt size. I'm small in the rear too, but my brain is HUGE!! LOL

  • Chanel

    is it me but the writer of this article is somewhat delusional, as are some of the comments. Your right, some women do have issues which leads to insecurities but to assume it’s because she thinks you want her man is absurd. She could be insecure just because she’s a woman!! The author of this article is apparently God’s gift to beauty ….she’s stopping traffic in the middle of the room…btw ..most women do, how about finding some substance to match your facade.

    • dlastqueen

      Nooo, she's not delusional. This is a serious issue that many women face. It's not about beauty…its about insecurity. The woman could be ugly and receive the same type of treatment. I liked how she addressed the fact that there are trifling women out there who would try to step to another woman's man, but for the most part there are women who would treat EVERY woman as a potential threat and that is not a good look.

  • nyob

    I never understood why one woman would give another woman the side-eye over this. What about the man? If I were a guy and the woman I was with thought I was so disrespectful I would make moves on someone while she is there, I would be very insulted. Insecurity: not a good look.

  • Peaches

    Ok while u are sayin there are some trifling women in the world. There are just as many trifling MEN!!!! and they are usually the ones who approach the woman when there woman or wife is in the bathroom, or gets out of sight!!!

    • Sundoulos

      One thing that wasn't mentioned in this article (which was eloquently written, by the way) is the possibility of the woman hugging up on her man because SHE is the one doing the cheating, not him. I've had it happen to me on several occasions, but it's always "different" when women do it than when men do it. Some way, it's going to be the man's fault, whether he's faithful or not. I even had a girl ask me "So, what did YOU do", when my ex cheated on me & my reply was "I loved her too much & she took it for granted"….

  • msgonzo10

    Agree 100% with this post. Bottomline is if you're with the kind of man for whom you feel you must act as a bodyguard, then you really need to ask yourself why you're with him and what that says about you. And if you're with a man that has created that level of insecurity within you, again, you need to ask yourself why you're still there.

  • Kristy

    Do not get me started with the insecure women in church!!!!

  • L-Boogie

    After reading these posts some women may not be insecure. Some women may simply not like you. LOL!

    • African_queen

      How do you not like an unattractive stranger?

      • L-Boogie

        HUH? I apologize. But what does that have to do with the statement I just made? Thank you in advance.

  • Mia

    I'm the same way. I CANNOT stand it when a stranger sits directly by me in the movie theater like we are chums. It's very awkward, you are constantly on guard and cannot relax and enjoy the movie. People even do this when the theater is virtually empty as well! So freaking rude. So I would have moved as well.

  • L-Boogie

    Great post!


    WELL SAID…….

  • Miss_Understood

    Good topic! I despise insecure women because they try to make THEIR issues everyone else’s issue.

    Not to mention, most of the time the man they got cuffed and yoked up would NEVER have a chance with me, even if he were single.

  • k

    Well said!!