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After I finished my academic career I was on the pursuit for passion and partnership. So I decided to let a dating app be my personal matchmaker. At first it was fun to surf through different profiles and get the pertinent details about a guy without asking. The thought of my potential mate being a tap away was exciting. Many millennials turn to dating apps for “situation-ships” but since the Plenty of Fish (POF) app was advertised to be for more than a hook-up, I looked forward to what was coming my way. But after three go-rounds on POF and a stint or two on Tinder and SoulSwipe, I’m back at square one. My quest for love has been turbulent and I have encountered much disappointment. Here’s a rundown of a few of the many men who put me on an emotional roller coaster.
The Ignorant Alpha Male
At first I loved his dominant personality and how he took charge. He knew a few trades, had a degree and a few certifications under his belt so I felt like we were equally yoked. Our conversations were agreeable but they would soon turn apathetic. His ignorance began to outshine his charm after a few months. When I disclosed to him that I was a therapist that also sought her own therapy, he told me that Black people do not go to therapy and that anyone that goes is weak.
During another conversation we were discussing where we would like to move when we get our own apartments. When I mentioned that I would like to move to the Astoria section of Queens, he told me to be careful because there is a large Hispanic population there and “Spanish people rape.” Mind you, we were sitting in a pizza shop that was operated by a Hispanic family in the middle of the predominantly Hispanic community of East Harlem. I was appalled. When I told him I preferred not to drive because I get anxious at times he replied, “but you’re so intelligent.” Intelligence has nothing to do with anxiety, and he always referred back to my intelligence as if it was supposed to be some liquid potion that gave me the power to conquer anything that came my way. Wrong. When he stood me up Labor Day weekend I was relieved. He was unfiltered, unpleasant and, ultimately, unattractive on the inside.
The Sour Sagittarius
He was tall, handsome and romantic. He was older than me with a good job and his own place. Our first date was intimate. He greeted me with flowers and then took a long walk with me hand-in-hand after dinner. He seemed to want the same things I did, like marriage. But as time went on I became irritated with him. When I tried to get to know him more he would accuse me of being nosey. Whether I asked him about the music he liked or his plans for the weekend, I was asking for too much information. It was difficult to have a conversation of substance with him because he never gave a straight answer, constantly asked me if I missed him and picked at me for the smallest things. Texting him always led to arguments because he was so sensitive and when I would address something he did that I didn’t like he said I was talking about something “old” when it only happened the day before. I wanted to hold on to him but I had to face the fact that we were just not a good match. I wanted affection, not aggravation.
Whodini
At one point I lowered my standards. I dated someone who didn’t have a college education and was still trying to figure out where he was going in life at 27. I didn’t think (and I still don’t) that “having it all together” was a determining factor of whether someone has good character and a heart of gold. From the moment I met Whodini we had an instant connection. We both had been on our own fitness journeys, enjoyed the same music and we’re actively seeking a relationship. I worked from home and he did security so we were on the phone from the morning until we were struggling to keep our eyes open at night. But when it would be time for us to meet up he would cancel. I always accepted the excuses he gave me because they seemed legit. Plus I didn’t want to believe that he was avoiding me and possibly turn away someone that I had a serious closeness to.
After four failed attempts he disappeared. I panicked. He wouldn’t answer the phone or text messages. Never did I think he did not want to speak to me. I became worried and thought something happened to him. He re-emerged with an apology after a week and yet another excuse as to why he had been sending me to voicemail. He promised to never do it again, but a few weeks after we finally met up he disappeared again. This time, I let him. He tried to find his way back into my heart but I dismissed him. I was looking for a companion to be there consistently and he showed me that he didn’t know what that meant.
The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
When I came across this guy, he made feel like my days of kissing frogs were over. I was certain that I had found my prince. He made me laugh, we both loved music, had thought provoking conversation, had great careers and supported each other. We are the same zodiac sign, which made us a great match. When I had a bad day at work he was there with jokes, great advice and a comforting smile. At one point he told me that even if we didn’t end up in a committed relationship that we would always be in each other’s lives. It may have been naive of me but I believed him. I didn’t have a reason not to. I spoke to this man every single day and we had a chemistry I never experienced before. On days that I felt empty he made me feel full. But then he disappeared. No goodbye. No “I think we should be friends.” Not even a cliche “it’s not you it’s me.” He just left. I felt like he threw me away like trash. I was crushed. I didn’t have closure for months. When I finally did speak to him and he decided to tell me why he cut me off, it didn’t ease the pain. Getting over him felt like grieving the loss of a loved one. He broke my heart and I was left to pick up the pieces.
Jumping head first into the dating game has left my heart feeling like it went through a hurricane. Besides being hurt, I’m overwhelmingly disappointed with my experience. However, I know losing hope could make me miss out on a blessing. I try not to let the men I’ve dated sour my views on love and relationships. It’s not easy but I look at my encounters as learning experiences. Getting over these men has shown me that there’s strength in forgiving people that aren’t even sorry. Letting them kill my faith would lead to me holding on to anger towards them, which hinders new relationships. I’ve learn to let go so when my king comes along I can accept him with open arms and no baggage.
