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Have you ever noticed that on talk shows and in a lot of advice columns, people often say women should be team players when it comes to having sex when they’re really not in the mood? I was just listening to a recent video from the ladies of The Real as they talked about a woman who decided to have sex with her husband every day for a year. The hosts’ responses to the challenge, aside from Loni Love saying it sounded like entirely too much, was that it was a great idea. The married and soon-to-be married hosts said that sometimes you just have to push yourself to be in the mood, even when you know you’re really not. According to them, you will get there soon enough. But I wonder if people give the same advice to men?

I recently read an advice column about a woman who was wondering what she should do about her boyfriend. The way their sex life is set up, he usually makes the first move when it comes to initiating sex. She got pretty comfortable with that order of bedroom ceremonies and rarely tried to put the moves on him. To her surprise, he called her out for expecting him to do all of the work. Feeling a little guilty in response, she decided that she would make a real effort to try something different. But sadly, she found that her attempts to make the first move were being rebuffed. He had all of the excuses in the world as to why he couldn’t get in the mood, with “I’m just pretty tired” being the go-to statement. But one rejection turned into two, and then into three, and soon enough, the woman decided she was going to take a break from trying to take the lead in the bedroom — for months. Despite the fact that he still wanted to have sex with her (but only when he felt like it) and that the pair were having pretty good sex, she found that her self-esteem started taking a hit. This was especially the case when he started complaining again about feeling like he was doing all of the work.

“If he didnt complain that I never initiate sex, I would think he just prefers to be the one who starts it,” she wrote. “I’ve also thought that maybe he enjoys turning me down. What I don’t understand is, if he wants me to start it, why turn me down when I do, insuring I won’t have the courage to try again for months? He just says I have bad timing and i should try more so I catch him at the right time (by right time, he means the right time for him). It’s so frustrating.”

While it’s sad to know that this woman’s self-esteem was impacted by her partner moods, it does make sense that she would feel some type of way. The stereotype out there is that men love sex and think about it all of the time. So if one rebuffs your advances on more than one occasion to the point that your feelings get hurt, it can be hard not to take it to as a sign that he’s just not that into you. However, in this particular instance, this guy does enjoy engaging in sex with his girlfriend, but mostly when he’s the one taking the wheel, so that can’t be the problem.

The simple answer is to ask this guy outright what it is that turns him on. Could it be lingerie? The spontaneity of making a move when he least expects it? Doing something a bit risque? Hearing him out and then attempting to step out of your comfort zone to try a reasonable request could yield the kind of results you’re looking for. And sometimes being the dominant one, climbing on him or trying something sure to leave him surprised (but also ready to get it in) could create the ideal sexual scenario.

But at the same time, it does sound like this guy might be a control freak (no pun intended). If you’re dating someone who does similar things, I would again recommend that you try doing what he says gets him going. If he still claims to not be in the mood and it’s the same tired of excuse of being beat, then slow down on initiating things. The next time he wants you to get in the mood when you’re not really feeling it, you can always feign a yawn and use his go-to excuse. If he gets upset, be sure to encourage him to try and “catch you at the right time” later…

But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Is this a petty issue or of he rejects advances, is it a sign that there are major issues? 

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