Sources: Instagram, WENN
A co-worker was telling me about a best friend of hers who has been struggling with finding closure when it comes to the death of a past love. The woman is in her early 30s, married, has a child, a fine job, and is in a really good place in her life. Still, every now and then she gets really sad on the birthday or the anniversary of the death of her ex-boyfriend. She dated the guy when she was in college, but they eventually broke up. They were able to be friends and support one another as they finished school. And then, the unthinkable happened.
Just recently, that young woman told my co-worker that she had been thinking about the guy again. To that, my colleague responded by saying that she should take a trip to her ex’s grave so she could do whatever she needs to in the hopes of letting some of that sadness go and finding healing. While it didn’t sound like a bad idea to me, my co-worker said that her friend furrowed her brow and shook her head to say no. To the friend, as a married woman, returning to her ex’s grave would be disrespectful to her husband. She actually already felt bad about the fact that she felt such sadness over the loss of someone who wasn’t just a significant other at some point, but also a good friend.
Today marks the 20th anniversary of Tupac Shakur’s death. The rapper was very close with actress Jada Pinkett Smith, and if you bring up Shakur to her, she has nothing but beautiful things to say about her friend. But they were just that — friends. Friends who loved one another, but just friends.
She once said, “We knew us being together in a romantic way would destroy everything because we were both fire. We would burn everything up! So we knew in order to preserve our relationship there was no way we could ever add romance to it cause we probably would’ve killed each other!”
She posted this message on her Facebook to honor him on the anniversary of his passing earlier today:
The rapper’s friendship with her had such an impact on Smith that it also ended up having something of an impact on her daughter, Willow. If you’ll recall, the teen wrote a letter years ago as a little girl asking Shakur to come back. And while some people felt that Willow’s letter, along with Jada’s continued outpouring of love for the rapper could be seen as inappropriate (check the comments on that link I just shared), thinking on the conversation with my co-worker about her friend, I wondered if it’s really that big of a deal. More importantly, how do you give someone the space they need to mourn the loss of someone who played a significant role in their life before you came around? How do you share that sadness with your significant other?
As I recently wrote, there is no time limit or expiration date for mourning, as though once you pass the five-year mark you need to get over it already. We all mourn differently, and sometimes, to deal with it, we have to be open and honest. And we need to give one another the space to do so, while also being an ear.
While scoping the ‘Net, I came across the story of a guy on Reddit who felt terrible because he found out a girlfriend of six years, during his teen years, died. He didn’t want his wife to know he was devastated.
“Her and I broke up because of college and family problems, but we’ve always been friends,” the man wrote. “We’ve grown apart since I got married, and have only talked about 4 times. My wife comes home soon, and I don’t know how she’ll feel knowing how hurt I am by this. I feel it’s not fair to her.”
I could only feel sorry for the guy because he was struggling with an allegiance to his wife, and grieving someone who deserved his tears. What is one to do in such a situation? And how does a significant other try to be understanding during such a time?
It’s complex, indeed. But I believe that the people who come into our lives help to shape us through our experiences with them. All of them. Therefore, there shouldn’t be a sense of shame when we mourn what their loss of life means to us. At this point, these people are gone, so jealousy over a partner’s emotions seems like a petty feeling to harbor on for more than a few seconds. Because what that person needs is the freedom to be able to bawl their eyes out if they need to, while also having the shared understanding that their heart is with their spouse. As partners in love and life, we need to be able to communicate with one another, and if one can’t express their sadness to the most important person in their life without worrying that they will be thrown in the doghouse over it, that’s a problem.
With that being said, I think it’s great that Jada continues to celebrate the life of one of her greatest friends, and that Will supports her in doing so. For the sake of her emotional health, I think it would do my co-worker’s friend, as well as the Reddit guy, a lot of good to grieve, like Jada, in whatever way they deem necessary, and do so with the encouragement of their husband and wife. Trust me when I tell you that holding that sorrow in only does harm, while sharing it with people you love to find closure can do a lot of good.
