The High Cost of Single Parenthood: Anyone Surprised?

September 16th, 2011 - By Christelyn Karazin

I’m not. Yet ANOTHER article that tells more of the truth. Parenting a child without a contributing partner is expensive. I’ve been there. Sometimes working 50 hours a week on top of paying for daycare, cooking, helping with homework, going to all the school events and being scared as “hayell” of what might happen if I ever lost my job.  Ladies and gents, THIS. IS. NOT. IDEAL.

The idea of the “strong, independent woman” is a cruel myth when it comes to parenting.  You can indeed be strong and independent on YOUR OWN, but once you throw in one or two kids, then things get complicated.  Very complicated.

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  • Tiffani

    I really don't like the term "single parent" when it comes to defining my situation. I am a 34 year old mother who is single. My daughters father and I talk everyday, he plays a very active role in her life, we take turns picking her up from school, share every other weekend with her and, from time to time, do things as a family. I know children who live with both married parents and their situation isn't this ideal. Yes, if I could do it all over again, I would prefer to be married because it is the way God intended for things to be, but at the end of the day, I was not happy in the relationship that I was in and had to make the selfish decision to find my happiness so that I could be a better mother for my daughter and co-parent for my daughter's father. While our situation is not perfect, my daughter knows that her parents love her and respect one another and to me, that is what matters.

  • ImGoodCousin

    …if the woman is qualified fit person. Oh yeah what about gay couples who adopt and have two mommys or two daddy’s?! I just like to look at all aspects

  • homie

    I grew up without a father and it still affects me to this day. I will NEVER understand how
    blood can just write you off completely. I forgive my father but I will never forget that I could
    have been out in the streets—- and he could care less. In my heart he will always be dead to me.
    There are some people in this world that should never be able to have children.

  • aimee

    Well speaking as a child of a single parent household, I do not feel as if I missed anything by not having my father around while growing up. I never wanted for anything, felt as if I wasn't given enough attention or that something was missing. It was usually more my mother that would sometimes say she wished I'd had a father figure in my life. So sometimes I wonder if people push the whole two parent household thing more for the parents' support rather than the child's. I dunno. Just putting my experience out there.

  • Reality is Harsh

    I'm going to have to speak on this.

    I have several friends who have dealt with sorry dudes and BEFORE any pregnancy occured there were ALWAYS signs that the dude was a bum & the total opposite of Boyfriend/Husband/Father material.

    Every single time the clues were there…every single time.

  • Guest

    Can one PLEASE stop jumping on Feminist and Feminism– Jesus Christ, they'd advocate for the same thing…they MYTH and STEREOTYPE of feminism is what you keep toting around Author– they don't hate men, and they don't think women should be men or that women are 'superwomen'.

  • worthaboverubies

    I think this article misses the entire point of family. It is not something that is defined in black and white. Period. The common thread however is that it truly takes a village to raise a child. This article forgets that all single parents are not by choice, some are widows and even if they were not, they are still valid families. As a person who works in the foster care system its just these stereotypes that help continue the cycle of hurt in families or lack there of in these kids. When will we learn that love is even bigger than that traditional picture in our mind of family. There are other costs to analyze other than money, community/unity are better than two, not all positive male role models come from the home, and husband doesn’t necessarily mean partner.

    • HeadSmackeroni

      Those are that are single parent because of a death of a spouse of course get my sympathy – but so what?
      You had the kid, you were grown enough to lay down and make the kid(s)….the chances of one of you being dead tomorrow are always there – always have a backup plan.

      If my father died, or left – my mother because she is a MARRIED woman before she even had kids, and is still married to this day, would get everything including custody of any children. So if my father left, my mother would still be set with money, and a home to live in.

      If he died, she'd still be set…because what's his is hers.
      Of course she is a working woman with her own money – but this is just an example for other women who are lazy as hell and think they don't have to work.

    • guest

      You're delusional at best. Widowhood is in the minority in the context of the large percentage of unwed mothers with kids in the black community. What you mention may have been the case in teh 50s or 60s, but not today. It is usually a choice to have a child by someone you knew was suspect before you had a child. Most women think they won some prize or were able to do what the women before thm failed to do for some man….eventually the guy reverts back to his old patterns. It's a disgrace and attitudes like yours give it the green light.

      • dotty

        by NO MEANS did she give it a green light! wth comment did you read?

        • guest

          When someone writes 'when will we learn that love is bigger than the traditional picture in our mind of family, etc. etc.', what is that other than a green light? The entire premise of this article was that we need traditional families becuase of the cost, etc. involved. One can infer from this person's comments that he/she disagrees which I believe was said in the first sentence. Guess what? 72% out of wedlock rate is not due to a small minority of widowed individuals, etc.

  • sweettea

    I apologize for stalking this post but I’m very interested in this topic. I think that regardless of being divorced or being a ‘baby momma’ a single mother has a hard row to hoe. If your kids are with you full time the financial burden is still heavy and men look at you like you’re damaged goods either way. I’ve been married since I was 21 so maybe there’s some point I’m blind to from my prospective. No matter how the relationship ends once it’s over aren’t you still a single mother?

  • http://www.facebook.com/alicia.fort Alicia Sonshine Fort

    that sound like a personal problem. it simple. know who the person you're marrying and sleeping with before you do it. not every marriage is ideal, but we're talking cases of women having children in wedlock not personal marriage problems that have kids tagging along with them.. . .

  • http://www.facebook.com/alicia.fort Alicia Sonshine Fort

    I agree. I always said never sleep with someone you can't spend the rest of your life with or imagine having a child with to shoulder the responsibilities. . . but too many people be worrying about getting that good-good until it hit the fan. . .

  • Mom2Sweetpzs3

    Being a single parent isn’t an ideal situation, but it can be done. I actually reconciled with my ex-husband for the sake of our kids and it turned out to be an awful situation. Marriage definitely needs to happen before people become parents. People willingly having babies with no marriage needs to stop. But also, for those who have done all you can to save your marriage, please don’t stay in a drastic situation because you are scared of the financial idea of being single. Children deserve happiness at the end of the day and adults need to keep that in mind and provide the emotional and financial tools to their children no matter what.

  • sweettea

    @brodie: She calls me all the time for advice and it hurts my heart to know that this is happening to her. Yet I do not know what to say. Personally I can’t stand a cheater but up to this point her husband has been a pretty good guy. At first I was all like dump him before he burns. But she bought up some really interesting points like she can’t support herself without his income, she has all boys and they love their daddy, she still loves him. Such a high percentage of men admit to cheating and their women usually forgive it but it just seems so wrong to me. I’d rather be alone but I am keeping my mouth shut

    • Brodie

      "I'd rather be alone but I am keeping my mouth shut " I'm with you as far as the alone vs miserable angle.

      Keeping your personal feelings to yourself will help you keep your friend. Her financial situation without him; maybe she shouldn't assume that her having custody would be in the best interest of the children. Bad husband doesn't always translate to Bad father, plus they're boys. She might have to be the person paying child support or maybe 2 boys for her and 2 boys for him and they rotate? LMAO IDK! But that's beside the point. Whatever she chooses just help her cope and let her know that you trust her to make the best decision for herself and kids, shows that you respect her too.

    • MarriedBlackWoman

      They should leave town and start fresh.

  • nursedred

    Couples with children split up for a lot of reasons and some aren’t petty or small. I volunteer 2 weekends a month at a domestic violence shelter and the counselors are constantly trying to convince battered women that a stable dad with a job who shows up to school events is not worth getting your ass beat every time you take too long at the store or burn dinner. Yeah if that’s happening to you strong, independent and alone is much better

    • http://www.noweddingnowomb.com Christelyn

      Why do you have to go to extremes? This is a typical argument: Nobody is saying to stay married at all costs. With 73% of black children born out of wedlock, the point is moot, anyway.

    • Victoria

      She was just simply stating her own opinion based on what *she sees at *her volunteer job. And for *SOME people, life *IS that extreme. Omg & Lmao! I don't think I've ever seen a more "sensitive" "author" in my life. You would think you'd have more important things to do than "troll" your own article and argue with people at the drop of a keystroke if it seems like their response isn't praising you and your opinions. *rolling my eyes* Can't wait to see the response to this…because somehow, I just *know there will be one ctfu…

      • Ooh La La

        You are so simple for this. The author is pointing out that domestic violence is an extremely specific situation. Of course she wouldn't suggest staying in a violent relationship for the sake of keeping a household together. She is essentially saying that a two-parent household is ideal and that couple should develop a solid union with each other before attempting to begin a family together. Parenting was not met to be an individual job, but a collective and cooperative responsibility assumed by both a mother and a father. Moreover, while there are many single mothers who are doing the best they can (and they should be commended for that), they should recognize that their extra effort in no way takes place of having the emotional and financial support of a father in the home.

        P.S. The unnecessary and misplaced quotation marks and asterisks (*; whatever these imply) make you seem even more naive and other less likely to consider anything you have to say. Grammatical accuracy goes a long way, sweetheart.

        • dotty

          EXTREMELY specific or not its still Extremely common! the fact that its a typical argument only further supports her opinion. @ohhlala And commenting on her grammatical accuracy only makes you seem like an immature child by throwing in shots BEYOND responding to her statement.

          P.S. Unlike you i dont feel the need to argue with someones opinion so feel free to throw shots at me, *i know you will :) * i have a life deuces @ohlala

      • Kai

        Victoria I bet you are just another ignorant statistic. Instead of trying to FIX the problems we have in our neighborhoods you are part of the Problem. Grow up and place your energy somewhere else, become more productive.

  • Tiffany

    I am the single mom of an 8 year old. It’s so hard and it can be so draining emotionally and physically. I love christelyn for what she is promoting. Who in their right mind is happy being a single mom. If I lose my job I don’t know what I will do!

  • sweettea

    My best friend in the whole wide world has been with her husband for 8 years. They have 4 children together and he’s been cheating on her with another woman for a year and a half. Recently she found text messages and emails exchanged that declare their profound love for each other and how stupid my friend is. She doesn’t leave for exactly the reasons stated in the article. She’s really depressed and the older kids have started acting out (failing in school, getting in fights). I have no idea what advice to give because I agree that kids need 2 parents and this guy has already said he will do everything he can to not pay child support including quit his job and leave the state if she leaves but I hate to see her suffer.

    • proud lady

      You took the words right out of my mouth, lol. I do agree that it is better for a child to have two parents, the parents should be in a healthy relationship to benefit the children. Single parenthood is not easy, but sometimes it is better that way.

    • http://www.facebook.com/christelyn Christelyn Russell-Karazin

      So…don't marry because your spouse might turn out to be a jerk? Maybe she should have known he was an arse before they married…you have to vet the men, and not accept any old piece of man that comes along.

      • JustSayin'

        You really should just stick with writing your opinion pieces for this site. We know how you feel. And don't get me wrong, I agree with your assessment. However, your random over-zealous comments to posters on this board undermine your professionalism.

        • LaLaLaMeansILoveYou

          Agreed. Sometimes there's no way of telling if a man is going to turn out to be a jerk, maybe things happened in his life that created those feelings in him AFTER they were already married with kids.

          The author's comment was VERY close-minded and condescending, even though I understand she was trying to defend the premise of her article, I think the commenter with the friend in a troubled marriage was merely seeking advise, not disputing the article. Shouldn't be so sensitive to readers' comments when you're an author on a PUBLIC forum. Waaaay sensitive.

      • Victoria

        @sweettea…You should advise your friend to get a divorce. Unless she feels as though somehow her marriage can be saved. But if not, then it's time to let it go. Kids *CAN tell when their parents *Especially their mother is unhappy. That is why they are acting out. They also learn by *Example, and right now the example the two of them as parents are setting is far from the best. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself, adn your kids, is to just move on.

        @Christelyn…I agree with what "JustSayin'" said, and I also will add that you going out of your way to insult he friends judgement is harsh and just plain rude. Everyone here I'm *sure has been tricked, lied to, or deceived by a man/boy/or whatever else at least one time in their lives. And none of us know the underlying issues of the relationship the people in question share or the circumstances that brought them together. Therefore being so critical and judgmental about something that none of us know about seems immature and mean. I think your comment was unnecessary…

    • Brodie

      No offense but you shouldn't be giving her advice on this at all. They need to go to see someone who is trained and qualified to give unbiased advice (like helping them decide what the best decision is for their family is) and can be held accountable like a lawyer or counselor. Your job is to be there and support her regardless of her choice. If she is asking you for advice chances are she is looking for you to cosign something she wants to do anyway.

  • Brodie

    I can't speak as a parent but I can as a someone's kid. We're expensive!

  • http://richsinglemomma.com Samantha

    Awesome article! I agree 100%. It became more evident to me when I woke up exhausted, angry, and despondent over the gaping hole in my children's lives because they did not have a father in the home.

    Sure I can take care of them, provide for them without child support drama, etc. But it definitely does not replace and is no substitute for having a father in their lives. What's worse is them not seeing a healthy male/female relationship; two people that get along and are doing what it takes to make it work regardless of the petty problems.

    My prayer is to be in a quality relationship that will be the cornerstone of future relationships my children will have. In the meantime I will teach them, especially my daughter, that she is more than a passing fancy and worth more than a meal at McDonald's.

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