Why Safaree Is Everyone’s Lame Ex-Boyfriend

August 22, 2016  |  

Safaree Samuels

Winston Burris/WENN.com

The Love and Hip Hop franchise is bursting with life lessons. For instance, your scorned homegirl will ruin your product launch, a “sit-down to clear the air” will always end in a brawl, and studio sessions don’t actually yield new music. The first episode of Love and Hip Hop Hollywood, however, treated me to a different lesson. Safaree Samuels was the harbinger of that truth.

For those who don’t care know, Samuels is a New York rapper and the former boyfriend of Nicki Minaj. The two were together for over a decade, and their breakup was messy (he spent some time claiming to have written most of her catalog). Samuels is now the newest cast member on Love and Hip Hop Hollywood (and the love interest of Nikki Mudarris).

Though sweet Safaree Samuels wasn’t in the premiere episode of Love and Hip Hop Hollywood last Monday, (only the teaser at the end), he did manage to light up the screen during the after-show. How do I know this? Because I diligently sat through the entire thing (don’t judge me). As I sat there, held captive by my own bad taste in TV, I was initially taken with Samuels as he babbled incoherently about Ray J’s wedding. I was captivated as he waved at the camera and uttered the words, “Hey Meek, how ya doin?”  I was deeply confused as he stroked his fur coat (it’s August) while mugging for the camera.

He was essentially a hype man without a rapper…

Now, a sane person would’ve shrugged and changed the channel, but somewhere around the third or fourth pelvic thrust (Samuels was literally dancing on a table at one point), I realized something: Safaree Samuels represents every single lame ex-boyfriend I’ve ever had. That realization was quickly coupled with another: We’ve all dated our own version of Samuels, and we’re all better for having called it quits.

Now, before you roll your eyes and say you’ve never dated a lame person in your life, let me finish. We have ALL dated this guy. Maybe yours was an up-and-coming rapper or maybe a civil rights attorney. Either way, your ex was loud, obnoxious, and attention-seeking. You used to hold your breath in the hopes that he wouldn’t say something inappropriate in front of your friends. Maybe he used to twerk when he was drunk because he thought it was funny, or maybe he tried to “network” with your uncles at your grandmother’s funeral. Perhaps he was convinced that your friends loved his Donald Trump impersonation, and they were all forced to fake laugh when he told sexist jokes at brunch.

Maybe your Safaree Samuels isn’t like Safaree Samuels at all.  It could be that your ex didn’t believe in traditional banks, would never wear fur because he’s a self-righteous vegan who dresses like a Jimi Hendrix, and refuses to wear deodorant.  Whatever the specifics, all roads paved with relationship embarrassment lead to Samuels. The dude may be a talented rapper, he may make for compelling television, but he is, at the core, the patron saint of lame ex-boyfriends. He is the archetype for any old flame who makes you cringe at the mention of their name and who, on cue, knows how to cut up in public.

That said, every once in a while you hear a song you both loved and think: Was he that lame? Maybe it could’ve worked? But when the nostalgia hits, remember Samuels’s pelvic thrusting on a table in his summer fur and hear this truth: You’re better off without him. He might be someone’s soul mate.  He might be destined for great things, but those great things do not include you.

Close your eyes and remember when he tried to talk you into that threesome with your bestie, or the time he accidentally said the word “b*tch” in front of your mom. Now, go on ahead and breathe a deep sigh of relief.

He’s not your problem anymore.

 

Patia Braithwaite is a New York City based writer. You can read more about her bad taste in men at www.menmyselfandgod.com.  She occasionally tweets @pdotbrathw8.

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