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It’s a Monday morning, and I’m on my usual hour-long odyssey to get to work. On this particular morning I forgot my headphones, and while navigating planes, trains and automobiles, I happened to overhear a conversation by two men about the presidential candidates, specifically, Hillary Clinton. From what I gathered, there was a quip shared that went exactly like this: “Bill must be getting plugged now that his wife is about to become commander in chief.” They went on and on about the roles being reversed in their relationship, and that Bill was now “Hillary’s b—h.” It was the most ignorant of conversations, and yet, it got me thinking about perceived gender roles and the manner in which we address them — particularly when it comes to sex.
I’m of the belief that anything goes in the bedroom as long as it’s consensual, safe, and both parties enjoy whatever is going on. But I do wonder about gender roles when it comes to sex and how many of us trap ourselves based on what we do and don’t perceive to be feminine and masculine. I’ve had many a conversation with girlfriends about spicing it up in the bedroom and asked if they’ve tried a few different positions with their partners. When I mention anal play, it tends to be to the chagrin of a lot of them. The general feeling about such foreplay is that it’s not “manly” for a guy to receive pleasure in that area. And just like that, one’s sexuality is questioned.
There is a huge misconception that if you are a heterosexual man, certain kinds of foreplay, penetration and positions are less manly than others. It plays on this annoying hypermasculine archetype that society has put in place. Things like nipple biting, prostate stimulation or even something as simple as a butt grab can be taken the wrong way. A friend of mine laughs at me because I have a whole series of interview-style questions I pose to guys I date about this. Inquiring minds need to know, and I’d rather know upfront what I’m able to do and can’t do in a relationship, as it serves as a good gauge of fluidity when things get boring. Let’s be honest, when you’ve been with your partner for a while, you can start to tell how the lovemaking will go and things may need to be livened up every now and then.
I remember a guy I recently dated being adamant about me not touching his backside. He told me that I was doing too much and that it wasn’t “manly.” So I started asking questions. The topic of handcuffs came up and he made it very clear that they were not to be used on him because “bad man nuh do that.” An ex from many years ago even came pretty close to putting his hands on me because I got a little too close to his perineum. Recently, we reconnected (not romantically), and I asked what the issue was at that time. He drove home the point that he’s Caribbean and his general upbringing hammered down the idea that the man is always in a dominant position, especially when it comes to sex — never submissive. And a girlfriend of mine said she couldn’t entertain the idea of “pegging” her now ex-boyfriend. He asked her to do so and she felt it was “suspect” behavior, so she broke up with him.
I was not aware that the idea of being receptive and submissive to pleasure from another person was solely a feminine trait. If you think about it, that’s the way we’ve been taught about how this whole rodeo goes. If a man receives pleasure orally for example, it’s usually from a place of “dominance.” He’s looking down on the giver. And some men won’t even perform oral sex (kneeling or otherwise) because it implies submission.
I say all that to say this: When it comes to sex and intimacy, all bets should be off in the name of pleasure. How can you be uninhibited if you’re so focused on keeping up with gender roles in the bedroom? If you’re at the point where you’re being physically intimate with another human being, there should be some mutual trust and an allowance for vulnerability. There really shouldn’t be a fear of being perceived as less masculine or feminine (a.k.a., “butch” for women) or perceived as showing “suspect” behavior if you want to reverse roles and try something new. If there is, just know that things are likely to get as stale as Wonder Bread sooner than later.
To the men out there, are there things you won’t do in bed because you feel it emasculates you? Ladies, would you think of your partner as less “manly” if he wanted to take on a more submissive role sexually?
