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There are quite a few keys to a healthy relationship depending on what your personal needs are. We can go down the line from trust, to communication, to intimacy, but one very important one that people overlook is the self-fulfillment of both parties.

When you are secure in yourself, have a solid foundation as an independent woman, and can take care of yourself without the help of others, these things make for a healthier relationship with someone else. I couldn’t pinpoint why I was having so many difficulties in my dating life, but I realized it was because I had a lot of building to do on my own. There were gaps in my life that needed to be filled by myself and not by someone else. Being self-fulfilled can be the missing key to the puzzle because when you’re happy with yourself and grounded in yourself, you will be in a better head space to be happy with someone else.

Relationships take you through all of the good and bad parts of who you are. If you haven’t found success in yourself yet, if you haven’t realized or at least attempted to see your hopes and ambitions through, how are you going to be equipped to handle the good and bad coming from someone else? How do you know if you’ve reached that desired place of self-fulfillment in your life?

You realize that you are the most important person in your life.

When my last relationship of six years ended two years ago, he was my excuse for the reasons I hadn’t accomplished all that I wanted to. I would talk about how that relationship and being with him had distracted me, it was why I didn’t do everything that I had planned. I blamed him, but not once did I take responsibility for my own choices. In that relationship I hadn’t established myself as an individual, which in turn, caused me to view myself in him and not as a standalone individual. I’ve dated since while continuing to build for myself. I’ve also realized that no one will look out for me better than myself. Yes, you can build with someone and establish a foundation for yourself at the same time.

You take the time out for your own friends and interests. 

It’s nice to have things in common that you enjoy doing and it’s great when you can build friendships with people as a couple, but sometimes you just get tired of each other and need some space. You just need time to create a bubble of isolation to do and enjoy the things you love on your own. You want to have your own friends to confide in. Friends who know you deeply and friends you can let loose and have fun with. Don’t put them, and your interests on the back burner, because no one is sadder than a person who lives vicariously through his or her significant other. 

You find security in yourself. 

You should make your own money, lease or buy your own place, and save for something significant on your own before committing emotionally and financially to someone else. In my last relationship, I didn’t feel like I had accomplished anything partly because I got comfortable knowing that someone else would take care of me. At that point, which was during my early 20s, I had never leased an apartment before, I was no stranger to overdrafts in my bank account, I didn’t have a single bill in my name except for my cell phone, and I was just horrible with my spending habits. At some point, I wanted to experience financial security and freedom for myself. I wanted to go through the process of signing a lease and getting the keys to my own place. I wanted to pay my own bills. I wanted a salary and benefits. I wanted to be able to afford traveling and I didn’t want to have to worry about having a meager bank account. I needed to do this for myself before jumping into a lease agreement with someone else, joining bank accounts with someone else and sharing expenses. I simply needed to know how to provide for myself. I needed to be able to meet my own physiological and emotional needs.

You are aware of your surroundings. 

Some people get so lost in love that they are literally lost. They lose sight of everything around them and what’s happening in the world because their thoughts are not of their own. They’ve become a mirrored image of their significant other. Our entire way of thinking and viewing the world becomes less original when we aren’t aware. When you’ve reached a high level of self-fulfillment, you are confident and strong in what you believe and the way you see the world regardless of who disagrees with you.

Some people believe that you don’t have to have it all together in order to have a successful and healthy relationship, and while that may be true in some cases, I believe that my freedom has allowed me to unapologetically achieve some of the things I probably couldn’t in a relationship. Being self-fulfilled is about having something established for yourself. It’s about leaving your own footprints in the sand. It’s about establishing your legacy. Granted, I will build with the man I get into a committed relationship with, but I’ll also have my own foundation to stand on as well. So when people ask me why I’m single or why don’t I want a relationship right now, I say that it’s because my efforts and focus is elsewhere at the moment: on myself. 

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