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Author April Bivens.

Author April Bivens.

Ever looked back at past dating experiences and thought, “I really just need to write a book”? Atlanta-based public relations professional and author April Bivens actually did. In fact, just this year she self-published her very first book, An Old Fashioned Girl’s Adventures in the Modern World of Dating.

Bivens never intended to write a book, but says she was pushed to do so by divine intervention. “I was led down this path by none other than our Heavenly Father and by 2015, after about three months of restless sleep, I woke up in the middle of night at about 3 or 4 a.m. and said, ‘I have to pen my experiences to paper. These men came into my life. There’s a reason. There’s a purpose,’” Bivens said before her very first book signing at DS17 Restaurant and Lounge in Atlanta in mid-July.

She then called up her friend John McCullough, recruited him as her editor, and began writing in 2014. But the book hit a brief standstill when a budding romance went so far south Bivens didn’t feel “emotionally stable enough to write about it.”

It would take another, more intense heartbreak to give her the push to complete the book. “It’s funny because it’ll make you realize how silly and strong you can be in the same moment. After that situation didn’t work out, I looked back at the one I couldn’t write about and said, ‘Oh, this is easy after dealing with you.’ So, I got back on the horse and finished the book in February of this year,’” said Bivens, laughing.

Rather than embark on the slow process of trying to get her book published by a traditional company, she decided to self-publish and promote it herself using social media and her own marketing background.

It’s a quick read, broken down into eight sections that describe her experiences with five different men, beginning in 2003 with her relationship with her now-10-year-old son’s father and continuing with a few different types of men that many daters may recognize. Including the newly unattached guy who isn’t completely over his last breakup, the recurring old flame, and the “perfect” guy who defects just as you’ve begun to buy into his potential.

As Bivens chronicles these specific dating experiences, she includes little asides and tips to help her major points hit home, like “Please don’t let material goods overshadow or take the place of the truly important things in a relationship like trust, respect and of course quality time” and “You must always pay attention to the words that trickle out of the mouth of the person you’re dating. Listen with your head and not your heart and you will avoid having your heart broken.”

Both Biven’s experiences and advice are relatable and real, which is exactly what she was aiming for during the writing process. “It took me a while to really sit and reflect and think about which men made a lasting impression on my life, and which men the reader would most likely be able to relate to and identify with — even men, too. Which characters could the men identify with? So, I picked from there,” she shared.

One of the major recurring themes of the book is not to ignore the many red flags that pop up as you get to know someone. She said that she has ignored warning signs in the past because of how badly she wanted to be in love, make a relationship work and “find that husband to experience monogamy with.”

“I think that certain red flags that you see early on, you say, ‘Oh, it’s OK. He’s handsome. Or, you know, we have a connection. I’m just going to let that slip.’ I started [the relationships I wrote about in] this book in my 20’s, now that I’m 41, I’m definitely more alert about those red flags and certain things that I accepted back then, I definitely would not accept now.”

There were a few relationships that she didn’t include in the book which could have potentially ended in marriage, but Bivens is almost certain that they would have ended in divorce because she would have been settling.

“Even with my son’s father, if I would have stayed in that situation, we would most likely have been divorced by now. I just want to do it one time. I’m hopeful that I can get married and do it one time. I always laugh right now because a few of my cousins are in their late ‘40s now but they got married at 41 to 43, so we’re just late bloomers around here at getting married.”

Bivens said that writing the book was therapeutic for her and hopes that readers — both men and women — are able to recognize and identify with some of the characters and experiences described in order to “take the time and think about the relationship that they’re in, if they’re about to get into one, or if they’re stepping out of one”

She also hopes that men don’t read the title, An Old-Fashioned Girl’s Adventures in the Modern World of Dating, and assume that the book isn’t for them or that it’s full of man-bashing. “Men who read it will gain some valuable insight about women. What we want, how we feel when we’re in a relationship and it ends,” she said.

“I think I was very open and candid about feelings — not being able to eat for two or three days. I think, sometimes, guys do things and don’t really take the time to think about the other person’s feelings and their actions,” said Bivens.

That’s a lesson she’s trying to impress upon her son (who isn’t allowed to read the book until he’s at least 18) while he’s young. “He’ll say, ‘Oh, Mommy, my girlfriend –’ and I’m like, you don’t have a girlfriend, you’re too young. But when you get older and you start dating when you’re in college, I want you to make sure that you don’t date two women at one time because it’s not nice. If there’s another lady you like and you’re not really feeling that lady, you say, ‘You know what, I’m sorry, but this isn’t working out.’ And so, he pays attention to those things that I say and I think a lot of times we have boys be more focused on sports, be hard, and we don’t talk about how they should think,” she pointed out.

So, is another book in the works for Bivens? It just might be. The title of the last chapter of this debut book is “The One,” and it’s a cliffhanger of sorts. “Am I in a relationship right now? Am I not in a relationship?,” Bivens said coyly. “The [next] book would probably be a follow-up of the relationship I’m in, or the marriage that might take place, or the next man I meet that hopefully, eventually will be my husband.”

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