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The relationship is over, but you have a child together, which means that in a way, you’re tied to one another forever. You have to work together raise the beautiful little human you created, which includes keeping each other abreast of significant lifestyle changes that will affect your kid. But exactly how much information are you expected to disclose to your ex? And how do you know where to draw the line?
A hot topic around the office lately has been whether or not parents should feel obligated to inform their exes when they’re tying the knot. Of course, the obvious answer is yes. You’re fastening your life to that of another, which means that this person will become a major fixture in your child’s life as well—if they haven’t already. In a perfect world, you and your ex have a fantastic co-parenting relationship, and you’ve managed to forge a friendship over time. It’s nothing for you two to get together so that you can share the good news with him over lunch and a cocktail. He’ll congratulate you, and you’ll slip him a wedding invitation. He’ll come out and celebrate your big day, and everyone will live happily, ever after. Unfortunately, in the real world, not every situation is this clean or amicable. And when you’ve found yourself in a volatile co-parenting relationship, the last thing you want to do is fan the flame by telling your ex that you’re about to marry someone else—especially if you’re not protected by a legally binding custodial agreement.A friend of mine is getting married in two months. Although his 8-year-old son knows, and he’s perfectly cool with it, my friend has not informed his ex-wife of his marital plans. Their breakup was not pretty, and during the years that followed, his ex has seemingly resorted to every measure possible to get under his skin—including showing up at his job trying to cause a scene and telling their child some pretty terrible lies about him. Ugly doesn’t even begin to describe how bad things got. Thankfully, their relationship has improved over the past year, and except for a few out-of-the-way remarks, they have been able to keep conflict to a minimum. But he fears that informing his ex of his upcoming nuptials will undo all of their progress, and since she’s known to go to extremes, he worries that she will try to retaliate. A few months back, was very close to telling her, but after a while, he started to wonder what the point was.
A friend of mine is getting married in two months. Although his 8-year-old son knows, and he’s perfectly cool with it, my friend has not informed his ex-wife of his marital plans. Their breakup was not pretty, and during the years that followed, his ex has seemingly resorted to every measure possible to get under his skin—including showing up at his job trying to cause a scene and telling their child some pretty terrible lies about him. Ugly doesn’t even begin to describe how bad things got. Thankfully, their relationship has improved over the past year, and except a few out-of-the-way remarks, they have been able to keep conflict to a minimum. But he fears that informing his ex of his upcoming nuptials will undo all of their progress, and since she’s known to go to extremes, he worries that she will try to retaliate. A few months back, he told me that he got very close to telling her, but after a while, he started to wonder what the point was.
His concerns are clearly understandable, but I’m just wondering how long this will continue before his ex-wife learns this information on her own, and is pissed off that he didn’t tell her. In my mind, she’s going to react however she’s going to react, whether it comes from him or someone else, so why not just get it out of the way?
One of my colleagues feels very strongly about this subject. She believes that anytime people are raising children together, they should always be familiar with who the other person is dating when that third person will be around the child. She also feels that the ex should absolutely know when the other parent is getting married—especially if it’s the custodial parent. Another coworker, on the other hand, doesn’t feel that the engaged parent owes their ex any explanations. For me, I would say that when a healthy co-parenting relationship is established, there’s no need to withhold this kind of information; however, when you find yourself in an ugly situation, perhaps it’s better to keep your mouth shut until you’ve consulted an attorney about how you can legally protect yourself from your ex should things go awry.
What do you think? Are you obligated to tell an ex when you’re going to remarry? Why or why not?
