Bar talk is always interesting when it turns into a battle of the sexes conversation or debate. As someone who identifies as a feminist, I always find myself having to clear up misconceptions a lot of men have about what it means to be one. It is now the F-word, deemed a dirty term that should rarely be spoken in front of a lot of men because there is no clear understanding of what it means to be a feminist. I got into a discussion about feminism with my bartender and another male patron, and it made me realize that a lot of men have a very blurred definition of the movement as a whole. This became strikingly apparent when my bartender said, “When I think of the feminist movement, I automatically see White, male-bashing lesbians.”
Of course, I was amused, and a little put off by his analysis, but I explained to him that the underlying mission of the movement is to promote gender equality. The best way to do this is to push law and policy promotion for women. But, of course, being a male, he was completely oblivious to gender inequality. He wanted to know “Why do women think they’re not getting equal rights?” I could’ve gone on and on about pink taxes and unequal compensation at work. If I wanted to get all deep and racially aware from a womanist standpoint, we could’ve been at that bar all night long. So after I did all the explaining I could to clear up the F-word for this man in a compact manner, he then asks, “Women want gender equality, but why do they expect men to live up to specific and dominant gender roles when it comes to dating?”
He went on the argue that women only want feminism when it’s convenient for us. He coined the term “conditional feminism,” and this was approved of through several co-signs by other men at the bar. I couldn’t say I wasn’t interested in hearing him out, so I let him continue. He went on to explain that when it comes to dating, it is the expectation that the man will chase after the woman. After all the sweet talk and dining, once the bill comes, a woman expects the man to pay for their meal even though she contributed to the price as well. She wants him to plan dates, make the first move, be the first to say the L-word even if she felt it first, and be the first to initiate conversations about commitment. He wanted to know why women want so badly to be held to the same standard as men in terms of gender equality and want to shift the idea of gender roles, yet all of that excludes dating? Why can’t she pay the bill? Why can’t she pursue him? Why does he have to be the first to say “I love you”?
In my defense, I explained that biologically and socially, women tend to be more emotionally charged than men. We wear our emotions on our sleeves. For us, it’s easy to want to plan dates and have conversations about commitment and love and courtship, but for men, it doesn’t come as easily. In my opinion, if I’m constantly chasing a man and making all the first moves, how am I supposed to know if he’s really into me? That’s a concern for many women. I mean, of course, we want sometimes to take the bull by the horns and lead a man to where we want, but how would we know if he genuinely wants to go there?
Here we are as women fighting for gender equality and real issues, things that affect our livelihood and the decisions we make. And here is this guy and his friends, claiming that they as men are too faced with gender inequality when it comes to the standards of dating and building relationships. It makes one think: Does he have a point about “conditional feminism”?
