My Husband Cheated: Reactions You Shouldn’t Have After Uncovering Infidelity

38 comments
August 22, 2011 ‐ By

I’m sure you’ve heard many women talk about how they could never forgive a man for cheating on them and how the transgression is the ultimate no-no when it comes to what a woman should and shouldn’t stand for. That’s easy to stand by when you’ve just been dating a guy, but what about when you’re married?

Lisa Penn over at YourTango, a wife whose husband cheated in the past, says that while your emotions might be in a flurry, it’s imperative you don’t make any big, brash decisions so soon. From the kids you have, to the positive aspects of your relationship, there’s a lot to think about before you make the next big step.

To read the full list of don’ts and to get advice on how to move forward after such devastating news, go to YourTango.com.

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  • Stop and Think

    There are an amazing amount of people here blaming the man 100%. Stop and think about your behavior and what has gone wrong with BOTH partners for cheating to have happened. If it truly is a scoundrel chasing tail then leave the man after careful consideration. But if there is something broken in the marriage stay to try and fix it. If you can’t get past it after professional or church counseling then leave. In an honest to goodness partnership there is often a reason things went wrong and this could have been a wake up call on how to recommit to each other.

  • Despite Pop. Opinion

    YOU EVIL LIL STINKER, LOL!!!!

    What did us loving, faithful men ever do to you?!?!?!?!?!?

  • dw

    And thank you so much to “blacknproud” for translating the ebonics for us…..its about time you nigs spell it out in english for us.

  • Robert

    And you are Miss Perfection, right? If you (or a woman, I don't mean to pick on you personally), don't give a man what he needs, are emotionally cold or physically unavailable, then you have to understand that there are consequences to this type of behavior. That said, see my post below…but you have no right to judge someone unless you are prefect yourself…

  • BlackNProud

    @Schmeggy Moolie … Then get yo' tired arse off of the "spook's" page and outta our flippin conversation… aka get your own life instead of critiquing others' lives.

  • ana

    2 wrongs don't make a right

    if one partner isn't fulfilling their responsibilities towards making the relationship work
    how is the other partner cheating anything less than the same thing?
    cheating isn't working through the problems, it isn't fulfilling responsibilities it is shirking responsibilities and creating problems.
    while that person was cultivating a physical and/or emotional relationship with the outside person that energy could have gone into working on the relationship with the person they claim to love and feel horrible about hurting.

    it is a self indulgent compromise that benefits benefits no one but them
    if you can't grow a pair/woman up and realize your only real mature options are to continue trying to make the relationship work or officially exit it you don't deserve a relationship and won't be able to make one work

  • guest

    a man will respect you more and even love you more if you show you butt and let him know that you are not putting up with it. I mean, women, you have to be hard on your man when it comes to cheating. I promise you he will respect you for it. He may complain, but he isn't going anywhere

  • AishaSaidIt

    This one is for the actual married people….
    A solid marriage is not necessarily an untested one, be it infidelity, financial issues, depression, etc…. There is no ultimate situation that you both can’t get through if you both or willing to try. It is totally your decision and no one else’s outside the marriage on what you are willing to fight threw. My suggestion is to keep your business out of the streets, and honestly ask yourself if your marriage is worth the fight. Your marriage is yours to keep or throw away.

    • us-

      amen!

  • Kevin

    Wow!!! There are so many things that go into a marriage, it is hard work and you have to be willing to work to make it work. First of all, you have to work on one another, getting to know one another, loving one another, and most important to respect one another. Most of us are lusting at that point and fail to see the signs that are telling us who this person really is. While lusting, you tend to either overlook them or ignore them with the hope that you'll change it. HAH!!! it is not happening. That person has to want to change that behavior that is not healthy for the relationship. Most people today are of the pamper generation, what I mean by this is that once the diaper is soiled, they throw it away and get a new one. Me, I'm of the diaper generation. If the diaper gets soiled I clean it and re-use it. The things that have come up in our marriage has made us stronger because we worked it out TOGETHER. We know what each one of us brings to the table and we appreciate one another. We love the looks we get from people when we tell them we got married at 21 and 19 years of age respectfully. So no matter what situation comes up, fight for one another and ALWAYS respect one another.

  • Valencia

    The Lord does not like Divorces, however the Devil hates marriages.. Although you are angry, I was thought that the Lord can handle your spouse better than you can. BUT I do not know what will happen if my husband was cheating, but we have to be reminded that the Lord will have our back. God bless you all, and remember no one is perfect.

  • Stephan Bennett

    Wives cheat and husbands cheat so who wins? No one. If one has a relationship w/ God there's no reason for a third party like another man or another woman. Be loyal to your husband even in the worst of times and be loyal to your wife in the worst of times and open up your Bible and find scriptures that will revive the love that you have for each other through your love for God. Read John 10:10 or Ephesians 6: 10-12 and you'll find out that there is a spiritual force that is just waiting for the opportunity to destroy your relationship. Find God in your heart! Whoever that other woman or other man is they're not worth it. God's love and passion are so embrace it and move on.

  • numero uno

    Bossy you just gave me knowledge. When a woman cheats its because she is getting attention elsewhere, makes sense! But why do women say well I was not receiving this getting this or that though? Don't justify that you cheated! Committing yourself to another person while in a relationship is cheating no way around it.

  • numero uno

    men lie, women lie, men cheat, women cheat, THE TRUTH does not.

  • chrissy

    marriage is a beautiful thing you just gotta find that right person…….

  • JustAshley

    True, SOME people do cheat because something is missing from the marriage, but cheating doesn't solve it. When you come back from that amazing afternoon delight from the Motel 6 in the neighboring city, your problems are still sitting at home, staring you in the face.
    *
    I think it comes down to the 80-20 principle. Ideally your spouse should have 80% of what you need. You focus on the missing 20% and you look for it elsewhere. You find it in someone else only to realize they don't have the 80% you had with your spouse. Now you're REALLY unhappy, because you realize you messed up the main course for some flavored jello.
    *
    Oprah has this show on her new network called "Unfaithful". True life stories of adultery and whatnot. Some of the stories are mind-blowing.

  • Linda

    WELL SAID!!

  • HeadSmackeroni

    First tip should always be asking yourself what you did to cause his cheating, second tip is to fix that.

  • Linda

    I WOULD STAY TO WORK THINGS OUT!

  • Prissy

    PREACH ma'am!! PREACH!!

  • JustAshley

    I'll never understand how a woman can stay with a man who has cheated on her. I can't see sleeping with him or thinking of him without mal-intent.
    *
    The majority of women I know, whose husbands cheated on them, left their husbands and never married again.
    *
    You only get ONE life. Why waste it with someone who doesn't care about your physical and emotional well-being?? Even IF you have kids with this loser- is this the kind of "love example" you want to set for your children?

    • Free your mind

      I agree..you can't understand!

  • soso

    Wow, My best fríènd ,she just has annóuncéd hér wēddīng wīth a mīllionairě mān who is a cèlèbrìty !They mèt via~~~~Affl·uent·Sin·gle . c'o'm ~~~~ ..it is the lārgēst and bēst clúb for cělêbrīty and theìr àdmirèrs to chát ōnlìnè. …You do nǒt hávè to bê rīch ór fāmóùs. ,bùt yōu cān meēt yóùr trùē lòvê , It's wòrthy ǎ try!

  • Elcy

    Ladies must read Oprah's 25 Relationship Tips: http://www.theglamrus.com/2011/08/must-read-oprah…. Cheating men, not tolerated. One of the tips: "If he wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't, nothing can make him stay."

  • Elcy

    Ladies must read Oprah's 25 Relationship Tips: http://www.theglamrus.com/2011/08/must-read-oprah…. Cheating men, not tolerated.

  • jess

    really it all depends on the situation and what youre willing to tolerate. im like if it happened once maybe twice and they come clean and show genuine remorse and willingness to try to work it out by all means try to work it out cause contrary to popular belief on this site i know guys who feel the same way and WILL try to stick it out. but if theres no remorse its been going on for a while and they dgaf then by all means kick they arse to the curb…but the reaction should depend on the situation and wht the person is willing to put up with

  • Prissy

    I'm too crazy to even fathom what I would do. If I had kids I would think twice before offing the husband…. LOL.. But seriously.. Mentally, I don't think I could lay next to someone who cheated. Cheated not only in regards to sex.. but what did they talk about? How did he look at her when they had intercourse? Did he kiss her like he would kiss me? THAT kind of stuff would always be on my mind.. Not so much as the intercourse. Folk are crazy and my heart goes out to the women that this has happened to. I hope whenever or if I ever tie the knot with someone that this does not happen to me. *sigh*

  • http://www.swirlsociety.com www.swirlsociety.com

    everybody reacts in different ways alot depends on the way they were brought up but i have never been married so i dont know how i would react if it happened to me, i guess it depends if there was an emotional attachment involved, to me thats worse than a 1 off night because if there is emotion involved well its all over.

    • http://unemployedblackman.blogspot.com/ Samuel L. Blackson

      Your site literally breaks my heart.

  • BeenThereDoneThat

    Seriously! I have been there and done that and going through a divorce for it. When your husband cheats all of these things do go through your head and when he give you an STD from it the balance of maintaining a level head to save your marriage seems ridiculous when he didn't as he cheated and brought home a potentially deadly disease. The says not to blame yourself also says he cheats because of an issue within the relationship? That implies responsibility for the behavior. This happened to me years ago so the process for divorce was a slow so I didn't make a rash decision. Now this of course is not everyone's walk in life but I do recommend taking time to do that but seriously examine everything. For me this opened a Pandora's box to expose that he didn't want to be a husband and really had been cheating for years with a short hiatus in between. He hadn't been caught in the past so when he cheated this time he thought the same would be the case. But the STD told on him this time. He admitted that he didn't feel bad for cheating. And instead of working on our relationship he dove into drug abuse and promiscuity. Realizing our marriage was on the back burner he told me "I gotta do me" and that with the assumption I'd always be waiting in the wings, he'd get back to me and our relationship whenever he was done. Obviously not everyone's story is like this but I believe that something this INSISTS and REQUIRES that you explore everything and make sure that he can and wants to truly commit to the marriage because this behavior creates a doubt with good reason. Ad if you find that he can't or plain just doesn't want to the way he should then step!

    • Clementine Anderson

      What helped me to heal from all of this drama was that I took a very personal journey inside of myself. Although I didn't deserve what happened, I still needed to examine myself from the inside out and ask myself some very deep and poignant questions about my role in that whole scenerio. Where were my faults in all of this? What did I do to enable this person and situation? How and why did I attract this type of man? Why did I stay aaround so long and ALLOW the abuses to continue over a period of time? And finally, WHY DIDN'T I HEED THE RED FLAGS THAT WERE SO OBVIOUS WHEN WE WERE DATING? This type of journey enables you to move away from the victim role, which many women assume after a failed rlationship, to complete resurrection of your true self and wholeness. I hope that you have taken that journey so that you do not attract the same type of man or situation again. Peace and blessings, sister!!!

    • Clementine Anderson

      I think that you are a woman of courage, faith, substance and compassion. This is evident through the approach you took towards the situation with your husband. I appreciate that you "weighed" out all of the options before making a concrete and life-changing decision such as divorce!! I was married to an abusive and unfaithful man for ten years, so I can appreciate your point-of-view!! God bless you!! Peace and blessings over your life!!

  • Miss_Understood

    A man will 9.8 times out of 10 leave a woman who has cheated. Women have less options, and many times, more to lose by engaging in risky behaviors if she’s married with a family. I don’t believe forgiving and allowing an infidel back into your life EXCUSES their actions but it definitely takes away some of your self respect. You should NEVER act on emotion but of course this is easier said then done. This should also be a “pre-nuptial conversation” discuss the high odds of infidelity on both sides, agree that it will not be tolerated and the repurcussions of such a transgression

  • strawberryluv

    I agree with “nobody.” Men will leave a woman in a heartbeat for infidelity!

  • A Nobody

    If women don't leave their husbands or boyfriends after they cheat, then they are just encouraging that behavior.

    I don't see any way around that.

    • JustAshley

      Preach!

    • Lisha

      My boyfriend cheated on me 2 weeks ago. I read txt messages in his phone from another woman. I was devastated cause I loved him so much..and when I caught him he blamed me. Its so hard to leave and I'm trying to forget about him but its hard

      • girliusmaximus

        He is a loser and a douchebag. Be glad to have gotten rid of the trash