Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Very Jealous Brothas & Pipe Dreams

August 17, 2011  |  

Dear Champ (and opinionated readers),

It’s taken me a while to write to you, but as the time nears, I find myself more compelled to seek outside guidance. I was blessed to fall in love with my best friend of 3 years. We have now been together for a year and some change. A little background info: before we got together he was running through women faster than Ex-Lax (which was fine, he wasn’t my man), and I had my share of male suitors also, so there was understanding on both parts. After a couple of years he started acting really possessive and jealous around my guy friends. Finally he sat me down and explained that he saw what a good woman I was and how no one ever treated him how I did and how he wanted to be together. I didn’t necessarily feel the same way, but I loved a lot of his characteristics, so I figured I could tolerate the few negative attributes so that I could enjoy the many positive attributes.

Now, although I’ve stopped talking to my guy friends (lunch dates, phone calls, text, FB) you name it, I’ve cut communication because he flips about it; he’s still talking to chicks (FB, chat lines, ooVoo) you name it and he’ll find a way to chop up girls. Now, although I’m not a jealous person, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this situation. He says that sometimes he just needs to talk to someone other than me. Why can’t he talk to a guy or something? He doesn’t have any real friends to talk to or family to vent. This is his argument when I bring up the fact that he would have a tantrum if I talked to other guys, he says I have plenty of friends and family I can call up. I guess my first question is: should I be skeptical of him talking to all of these chicks?

I’m good about checking his phone, and although he says some things I wouldn’t say to my ‘friends’, I’ve never found anything that suggests he’s having physical contact with these chicks. This is a lot, I know, but the second part is that he’s going to be going to jail for a year in a couple of months, and I don’t know what to do to assure him that I’m not interested in ‘getting payback’ for the fact that he talks to chicks, but has made me cut all ties with my guy friends. As you can probably tell, he’s really jealous and I don’t want this time apart to put more strain on him and our relationship than necessary. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Thanks.

Fond Of Our Love


I can call you “Fondie,” right? It’s ok? Cool.

Anyway, Fondie, I don’t know whether to be mad at you or consider you to be the female comedian of the year for inserting that tiny, weeny, little “throw-away” tidbit towards the end of this letter. Actually, you know what? Since you made me spit out my orange juice when you matter-of-factly mentioned that your man is about to GO TO PRISON FOR A YEAR (Seriously. I had to get a paper towel and wipe the juice off of my keyboard), you are definitely the female comedian of the year. Whitney Cummings, Chelsea Handler, and Vanessa Fraction need to watch the Fawk out for you.

I’m sorry if I’m being too flippant, Fondie, but that prison thing just threw me for a loop. Plus, there are so many things to address in this email that I don’t even know where to go next. It’s obvious that he has serious control issues. It’s obvious that a part of the reason why he’s so jealous is that he’s going to be “away” for a year. And, it’s obvious that even if he wasn’t about to go on his mandatory vacation, he doesn’t trust you. I wish I had better news for you, but it would be irresponsible of me not to tell you that I’ve counted four separate things in this email that should be immediate, no questions asked, deal breakers.  I mean, I kind of get wanting to “stand by your man,” and that’s (sort of) commendable I guess, but it’s not like y’all have been married for 20 years. Shyte, it’s not like y’all have even been married for 20 minutes!

If you doubt this to be true or you think I’m being too harsh, just think about what you’ve told me. According to you, your new man is a controlling, jealous, reformed man-ho (who just might still be a man-ho), hypocrite criminal who, by the way, is about to be gone for a year. The facts are right in front of your face, Fondie. I just hope that you make the right decision and don’t waste a year of your life being a “ride or die” dummy.


Damon Young (aka The Champ)

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  • me mE ME!!!

    i loved how she just threw the 'oh yeah by the way he's going to jail for a year' bit in there…so nonchalant… me like. me like a lot !!! ^_^

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  • Mark

    Letter 1, a chicken-head all the way. she must be getting drill deeply. The man doesn't love her, just want to control her, Jedi-mind trick, use the force (his di*k) to control her mind. She is simple, and I'll beat a hood-rat also.

    Letter 2, he's trying to find his way, at first he was being lead instead of guided. Now that he's found a path you are kinda worry about his choice, or is it that she was thinking of herself, hummm engineeror coach which would my relatives or friends like more. It seems that she is starting to go the wrong way, looking for approval maybe, seek for that within yourself first, then others. She didn't say anything about how he felt about her career, hope she and he stick it out, but I doubt it, too young.

    • 1st Letter FOOL

      *sigh* I don't want to respond, but I'm bored at work… I am not, nor have I ever been a chicken head / hood rat of any sort. Iam not whipped, I just happen to be very trusting and loyal. There are some decent women out here who would like to believe there are decent men out here too. He has never hit me, he has a job, he has a college degree and no kids. When I met him, he was not in jail, and I didn't feel it was right to leave him just b/c he has to go to jail. The relationship is nowhere near all bad, but I realize that I can't think that everything is all good either. I appreciate you commenting, but you might want to think a while before posting the first thing(s) to pop in your head. Peace.

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  • Jennie

    Fondie, it is way to see easy to see this dude's game. He doesn't trust you to be faithful while he's taking the State Bar Exam. Not only that with all his female "friends" he knows his commissary will stay full. Let's face it, his dudes ain't got be there like that. Glad you are taking the hint and moving on.
    Dream Killer – you act like dude was dropping out of school to go to clown college or be the Wal-mart greeter. (I'm not judging those occupations, but you don't need a college diploma for those either). Your man will still have a degree. He's chasing his dream while he can, but he will still have options. He has done what it can be impossible to do – realize when you are living for others. He has the right to find what makes him happy. Being supportive will bring you closer.

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  • 1st Letter FOOL

    Thanks, first to the Champ, for keeping it real as I could only expect him to do. I guess all I really wanted for someone else to say it to me. And to all of the commenters (who could actually stomach to comment LOL) thanks for the innanet slaps back to reality. I'll take a better- read more objective- look at my relationship (as a whole) and decide what to do. But I forsee packing and moving on when he goes on "vacation". Thanks again.

    And KneeCee…. good eye!

    • Big Mike

      Keep your head up, Fondie. It happens to the best of us. Just don't become bitter and start hating all of us men as a result:-) just kidding

      Take care, sugar.

      • 1st Letter FOOL

        Thanks, and I don't plan to become bitter in any way. I've always believed in giving my best in every relationship regardless of how the last ended. And I always try to wait at least a year before I begin dating again. Thanks again for your well wishes =)

  • CutieReppinNY

    Letter 1- Girl, that man is smashing everything moving before he heads of to jail, I guarantee it. You are a fool for allowing this man to control you and in the mean time he's doing whatever the hell he wants.

    Letter 2- Girl, you better tell him. We are in a recession and an engineering degree is very lucrative. As far as childhood dream goes, it doesn't sound like this guy has any experience in basketball, so that's irrelevant.

  • guest

    But Coaches can make good money, even part time coaches and referees do well for themselves on the high school and college level. And pro coaches and refs make even more. I would not sleep on any career in athetics because its big business. She needs to understand all the money that is placed into high school and college and pro sports programming makes it a great career for those associated with it. She needs to rethink her opinion. At least he is still pursuing his degree in something. Too many times we get caught up in what we think is acceptable or practical and when it comes to careers we only think of certain ones that are worth pursuing. But in reality their are so many 'uncconventional" careers outside of the standards and its often those that can allow u to make a great living for yourself, because not too many people pursue them. Bottom line is to "walk in your gift" In other words find out what your talents are, what would you still do even if you had to do it for free. And if it doesnt work out, you can always go back to something more practical and still do well for yourself especially while you are still young.

  • guest

    wont even comment on the first letter.
    But seriously the second lady sounds a bit closed minded. she hasent learned that you dont have to have a traditional career in order to be successful. Chemical engineering is a great career choice but its not for everyone and she should not look down her nose at someone because they want to do something other than what she has been taught is acceptable. Everyone cant be doctors, lawyers or teachers and not everyone should. Society would come to a halt if that happened. But this young lady even turned her nose up at sociology..whats that about. but anyway..

  • 4321

    #1 I was in a very similar situation. VERY similar, minus the jail. Best guy friend started acting jealous and possessive, urges me to be with him, I didn't really feel the same but thought I'll give it a shot. Difference: I was 16. As an adult, I can see that the red flags were waving back then. He continued to be jealous and possessive and that escalated into abuse. I left him with a black eye on my face, a restraining order and a court date because I pressed charges. (He got 2 years of probation and was jailed 2 years later for abusing not only another girl, but her child.) Don't be the stupid 16 year old girl I was. Leave this dude. You're getting nothing out of this relationship.

  • darcampb

    chasing dreams is for kinds…this boy is most likely between the ages of 18 and 22. in what way does that not qualify as still being a kid? college is actually the place to figure yourself out career and otherwise. i don't know anyone who was even close to "grown" at that age, including myself.

  • Anna

    The first letter… I was reading it… thinking "I've been there. I'll forgive this." But as soon as she said prison… She lost me.

    If you have a man that is going to jail… RUN! Nothing good can come of that. Life is complicated as it is. I feel for men that have been in jail of course but too many things happen the man's spirit and it takes a special woman to go through all that.

    And frankly, if the man is reaching out and telecommunicating with all these women AND he's going to jail… Yeah, you may be in for a surprise when you go in for (conjugal) visits.

    Second letter: Champ said it best. We don't know his athletic record (that would have been a BIG help in that we'd know if this was something he could try or just a flying fancy), and it may be he's having a Quarter-Life Crisis. He may be wanting to tap into a youthful fancy before he enters into adulthood. And you never know. The guy could be in school on an athletic scholarship. If that is the case, all he has to do is talk to HIS coach to see how he could get in. The gem of college is that you tailor everything to your interests. It's why there are thousands of classics, hundreds of majors and you set your own damn schedule.

    Point is, girlie shouldn't be too panicky about it. He can always go back…

    • Anna

      *thousands of classes

  • nony

    In fondie’s defense i have a strong feeling this guy is a provider of some good ding-a-ling. Smh it’ll make u blind to the obvious We are all victims. But seriously that last jail bird piece had me rolling.

  • Lydia

    lmao. My name is Lydia and I approve that response. rotfctfu!

  • KneeCee

    Am I the only one who saw: Fond Of Our Love = FOOL?



    • ola

      LOL, too funny

  • Coachgirl

    In order for him to get the coaching job…he would have to have played in high school, college and or professionally. It is a full time job because you travel with the team 2-3 times a week with the team, plus late night practices. I dated big east coach who played professionally for 10 yrs. He got that job because he played professionally for 10 years.

  • HeadSmackeroni

    SMH, black women always chasing the jail bird.

  • I won't even comment on the first letter. I just can't.
    The second letter, however – more specifically, the responses to it – move me to comment.

    Y'all are some dream killers. It's not like the boy dropped out of school completely and decided to work for a pyramid marketing company. Or to become a street performer. He wants to be a coach. Maybe that doesn't sound as 'grand' as being an engineer does, but damn…the boy can't pursue his goal w/o judgment.

    The young lady has to decide if she's with the guy b/c he treats her well and makes her laugh or because he had a 'bright, lucrative' future ahead of him. If she chooses option 2, good luck to her. As she ages, she'll find that she is going to be faced with a lot of empty relationships based on nothing but income and careers.

  • Theresa K

    First letter–girl needs to grab her things and keep it moving. I can't imagine someone who was a big a ho as she expressed can so readily be reformed. But the fact that he doesn't want her to have male friends while he "chops it up" with females all over tarnations (lol) is ridiculous. Also, the jail bit? You don't want that in your life. Go on and do you. Leave him and his criminal past/present to him and the next chick. With a record, what kind of career/job can he have? She sounds really young anyway. Work on you and your future and leave him to the nonsense.