Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Very Jealous Brothas & Pipe Dreams
Dear Champ (and opinionated readers),
It’s taken me a while to write to you, but as the time nears, I find myself more compelled to seek outside guidance. I was blessed to fall in love with my best friend of 3 years. We have now been together for a year and some change. A little background info: before we got together he was running through women faster than Ex-Lax (which was fine, he wasn’t my man), and I had my share of male suitors also, so there was understanding on both parts. After a couple of years he started acting really possessive and jealous around my guy friends. Finally he sat me down and explained that he saw what a good woman I was and how no one ever treated him how I did and how he wanted to be together. I didn’t necessarily feel the same way, but I loved a lot of his characteristics, so I figured I could tolerate the few negative attributes so that I could enjoy the many positive attributes.
Now, although I’ve stopped talking to my guy friends (lunch dates, phone calls, text, FB) you name it, I’ve cut communication because he flips about it; he’s still talking to chicks (FB, chat lines, ooVoo) you name it and he’ll find a way to chop up girls. Now, although I’m not a jealous person, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this situation. He says that sometimes he just needs to talk to someone other than me. Why can’t he talk to a guy or something? He doesn’t have any real friends to talk to or family to vent. This is his argument when I bring up the fact that he would have a tantrum if I talked to other guys, he says I have plenty of friends and family I can call up. I guess my first question is: should I be skeptical of him talking to all of these chicks?
I’m good about checking his phone, and although he says some things I wouldn’t say to my ‘friends’, I’ve never found anything that suggests he’s having physical contact with these chicks. This is a lot, I know, but the second part is that he’s going to be going to jail for a year in a couple of months, and I don’t know what to do to assure him that I’m not interested in ‘getting payback’ for the fact that he talks to chicks, but has made me cut all ties with my guy friends. As you can probably tell, he’s really jealous and I don’t want this time apart to put more strain on him and our relationship than necessary. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Thanks.
Fond Of Our Love
I can call you “Fondie,” right? It’s ok? Cool.
Anyway, Fondie, I don’t know whether to be mad at you or consider you to be the female comedian of the year for inserting that tiny, weeny, little “throw-away” tidbit towards the end of this letter. Actually, you know what? Since you made me spit out my orange juice when you matter-of-factly mentioned that your man is about to GO TO PRISON FOR A YEAR (Seriously. I had to get a paper towel and wipe the juice off of my keyboard), you are definitely the female comedian of the year. Whitney Cummings, Chelsea Handler, and Vanessa Fraction need to watch the Fawk out for you.
I’m sorry if I’m being too flippant, Fondie, but that prison thing just threw me for a loop. Plus, there are so many things to address in this email that I don’t even know where to go next. It’s obvious that he has serious control issues. It’s obvious that a part of the reason why he’s so jealous is that he’s going to be “away” for a year. And, it’s obvious that even if he wasn’t about to go on his mandatory vacation, he doesn’t trust you. I wish I had better news for you, but it would be irresponsible of me not to tell you that I’ve counted four separate things in this email that should be immediate, no questions asked, deal breakers. I mean, I kind of get wanting to “stand by your man,” and that’s (sort of) commendable I guess, but it’s not like y’all have been married for 20 years. Shyte, it’s not like y’all have even been married for 20 minutes!
If you doubt this to be true or you think I’m being too harsh, just think about what you’ve told me. According to you, your new man is a controlling, jealous, reformed man-ho (who just might still be a man-ho), hypocrite criminal who, by the way, is about to be gone for a year. The facts are right in front of your face, Fondie. I just hope that you make the right decision and don’t waste a year of your life being a “ride or die” dummy.
Damon Young (aka The Champ)