Top 3 Rules for Single Moms in the Dating Scene

August 12th, 2011 - By The Manifesto

From late 2008 through 2009, I went on a string of dating single moms.

The run wasn’t intentional…Shyte just kinda landed that way. But it was all very insightful for a poonhound in his late 20s with no kids and who knew with no qualifier that he was not ready to have any either. Hell, I’m 30, happily living in sin and still not ready to have any munchkins of my own.

I’ve always respected the plight of the single mom (if not always the reason she’s a single mom), and I do so now more than ever. I learned that no single mom I know is a fan of banging out mad hours at work only to come home to “Yo Gabba Gabba” episodes on repeat seven days a week; they’re all looking for a little bit of adult-rated excitement, if not the man that will complete her fractured family.

But, despite what society projects, it’s not all about the single mom and what SHE wants. We are the ones who have to date these women. Many young dudes stay away from single moms, but I was never afraid to settle down with one. Had I done so at 25, however, I might have gotten caught up in a manner that I wouldn’t allow today.

Here’s a list of non-negotiables that I’d need in place should I ever go down that road again:

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  • Anthony

    @a nobody
    Can’t agree totally.
    @group
    But don’t spit out kids right off the bat. Take some time to know who you are dealing with. Be responsible if had a std it’s the same thing don’t get caught up in the moment

  • Anthony

    Kdh it’s YOUR bad choice were dealing with. Yes your doomed if your bdaddy is a nut and you set some rules for him to work with. Leave the thugs and wanna be “gangsta/rapper” types alone.

  • A Nobody

    I only have one rule: Don't date single moms.

    I have no sympathy for single moms. They should have chose the right mate the first time.

    It's like a broken record with black women: "the father doesn't help out", "he never sees his kids", "he's not in their life at all". You mean to tell me you couldn't see any of this happening BEFORE you CHOOSE to have his kids?

    Most single moms make bad decisions…now you got the rest of your life to live with that mistake.

    • Kala

      It is men like you who make me happy to stay single. Yes I am a single mother of 3. And for the record all 3 of my kids have the same Father. I say father because he still is very much involved in their life we don't have the drama that most have. I made it a high priority not to have baby-daddy drama and I don't cause baby-momma drama. The issues we had stemmed from him not being faithful and I stayed long after I should have because I didn't want to just be another single mother being judged by society. It is sad that men assume that as a single mother we are looking for a daddy figure for our children, which is not the case for me. Men are the first ones to say don't judge me, not all men are the same. That also goes for single mothers in particular african-american single mothers. It kills me how quickly men see black single mothers with more than one child and assume that they sleep around and are easy. But will give a single mother of another race the benefit of the doubt and assume all her kids are by one man. Not trying to make this a race thing but it kills me when men make comments like this and put all of the blame on the woman without know the whole story behind why she is a single mother.

      • STOP

        If baby daddy is so great, then why aren't you still with him?

    • Veus

      @ Kala. I very much agree. It's the same situation with me and my kids father. People turn their noses up when I'm with my daughters (ages 1, and the yyoungest 3 mo.) and assume that Im another statistic. However, when they learn my girls have the same father they seem to be shocked since that is rare now-a -days. Its just wrong to put a standard on someone like me who works hard and has a degree and is working on my master. It's too bad that some people are simple minded to things like that just because I'm a black single mother with two kids.

    • https://www.facebook.com/meredith.c.mack Meredith Camille Mack

      @A. Nobody, your name fits your perfectly… what a stupid comment. Many women are single due to divorce or death of the husband. Not all single women are in the situation because they should have known what type of man he was before. Men have a great way of hiding somethings and you dont find them out until its too late. What are you hiding?

  • eyesonly11

    as a single mother i think this was a pretty good overview, all rules i personally keep for myself when interacting with others. i think you take what you take from the article. dating as a single mother is complicated for us, our children, and the men we interact with. we are the only common ground so yes balancing the interaction falls upon us. no one said that we are destined to be single because there is a less than amiable relationship with the other parent, just that there isn't high drama. what i do take issue with is the notion that a single parent household is "fractured" for the lack of a man. while it is certainly a nice accoutrement, having a man doesn't make or break a family. whatever your situation is or isn't the buck stops with you because you and your children are the ones who have to live in it…do your best and don't feel guilty for living life. keyword is balance

  • http://amanik1123.blogspot.com jennice

    I was involved with a man for three years and he never met my daughter. The man I dated (and am currently dating) met my little girl a month after we started dating . My daughter had spoken to him many times prior to meeting him in person and she fell in love with just from their phone conversations. So, I made the decision that they should meet in person and it scares me about how my relationship with this man will affect my daughter now that she has met and fell in love with him. He is crazy about her too but I justhope that ifhim and I dontlast, it won’t completely destroy my lil girl’s pyche.

  • Edward

    Ladies all u will ever be is babies mothers and alone. Just accept it and stop letting this blog give u false hope that u can be more than what u currently are.

  • SingleMommy

    I’ll a single mother of 1, and I don’t date and don’t plan on it. I don’t have “baby daddy drama” because he lives in another state (thank God)! As someone posted further up….I’m not looking for a father for my daughter she has several (grandfather, uncles, cousins). I would feel guilty if I dated so I don’t and I’m ok with that

  • YoungMama

    Everytime I read these “say NO to dating Singlemoms” articles, I get so discouraged. I am a single mother of 1 and I’m 21 yrs old, so I know my dating pool is low due to my age group. But why are we consiered the bottom of barrell just because we have child/children. I’m not proud to be a single mother, nor am I ashamed, but why is that women like me that work with no support from the father, goes to school and won’t even do anything nice for myself with doing for my child, seems to be topic of dating no no’s. Not everyone wants a handout or a step in daddy..

  • Baron

    Dude, seriously all this article really does is justify why guys don’t bother to date single moms. Way way way too many variables in play. If you’re just looking to be a “poonhound” for a while, then why expose yourself to these logistical headaches?

  • Lisa

    As a single mother (where my child"s father is not in their life at all), I used to read these types of articles and kind of get offended, mostly by the huge generalizations (sort of like a well off person writing an article entitled "Why I wont date someone making less than 7 Figures annually")…but after a while, mostly due to my own dating experiences, that everyone is entitled to their own personal preferences when it comes to whom they choose to date, no matter how unfair or insulting it may sound.

    As hypocritical as it may sound, I am a single mother with one child, yet I no longer will date a man who has children. I just find it easier to deal with a childless man. From the part time daddies complaining about the little bit of child support they're forced to pay and who want to find a babysitter to take care of their kids when they only get them every other weekend to begin with, to the full time daddies who are actually good fathers to their kids but talk non-stop ish about their childs mothers (to me AND their kids), or let their childs mothers run their lives to the point of it interfering with our relationship.

    As I said before, my child's father is not in his life at all, so the man I'm dating doesn't have to deal with the "baby daddy drama". That's why I don't feel I have to date single fathers, because it's not really a level playing field (I have to deal with their baby-mama/ex-wife drama but they never have to deal with that on my end). I know that there are deadbeat mothers out there but for the most part, they are few and far between compared to the deadbeat dads, so babymama drama is more likely to be the case than babydaddy drama. Anyways live and let live.

  • Stanley

    #3 is the only reason I can't date a baby mama. I just don't feel like it's right to compete with children for their mother's attention.

  • Chayil714

    As a single mom who has no paternal support whatsoever, I think the men that I have dated assumed that I was looking for a father for my kids. I think that is the mistake people make when dating single parents. I was never looking for a “father” per se, but a complement to my already family unit. I lucked out by meeting a single parent and so we both understood that we were not there to replace the missing parents; but to be an additional support system and role model. It just so happened that this complement became the man my kids began to love as a father while he began to love them as his own.

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  • kdh

    My ex-husband is absent in my child's life….so according to this article I am doomed to singledom bc men don't want to handle potentially dealing with his drama IF he should choose to come around?? That is weak. I take care of my daughter very well in spite of how her father chooses to behave. Why should I be penalized for his poor choice? No matter what the woman is being blamed according to this writer….smh

  • Micjael

    YOU KNOW that you have bad children. DON’T let us find out by ourselves. Certain information needs to be revealed from JUMP. If by chance you’re UNSURE that your children are demonspawn, ask yourself: Have past suitors left because of my children? If the answer is “yes”, this applies to YOU.

  • Paula

    And always tell your kids that you're going on a date, let them know so when you come to introduce it wont come from no where.