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Black couple arguing

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Have you ever dated someone who has friends that you spend a lot of time around, but when it comes to your buddies, he or she can’t be bothered?

It’s a frustrating situation to have to deal with, but not uncommon.

For instance, I was reading a story about a woman who had been dating her boyfriend for almost an entire year. She had met and hung out with most of his friends. Gone to the bar with them all, met their girlfriends and wives, gone on a couple’s trip and brought warm meals to potlucks at their homes for gatherings. She had made the effort to connect with individuals who are a big part of her boyfriend’s life. But on the flip side, he wasn’t doing the same for her.

He had met a few of her friends at her birthday party a few months earlier, but that was about it. She didn’t think he was enthusiastic about them when she would bring them up in conversation after the party, so she didn’t bring them around him much. When they were in the same room again briefly months later, he kept to himself.

So when one of her best friends invited her and her boyfriend to a “family reunion” gathering of sorts where all of her friends would come together and eat and drink and catch up, the young woman thought it would be the perfect opportunity for her boyfriend to really get to know her confreres.

But just a few hours before the shindig was set to begin, he backed out. He called her and told her he wouldn’t be able to go because, well, he didn’t want to and didn’t feel like it. After having a light argument about it, she went by herself and tried to tell her friends that he just wasn’t feeling well.

When she went to see him at his place afterward and asked him what his deal was, he confessed that he didn’t want to go not only because he was tired and felt like staying in, but also because he wasn’t too fond of the circle of women she hangs with. He realized this after meeting them at her birthday soiree. So, basically, whatever effort she was hoping he would make to get to know her BFFs, he wasn’t going to make anytime soon. So she was left frustrated and feeling like he was being very unfair. She said she didn’t know how to get him to be open to getting to know her friends.

And therein lies the struggle. You can’t make anyone do anything in a relationship. We’re all adults who have free will, and when we don’t want to do something, or better yet, be bothered, it’s hard for us to be persuaded otherwise. However, in a relationship, we sometimes have to do things we’re not really crazy about to keep the other party happy. To show them that we care. And most importantly, to keep the peace. It’s called compromise, and it’s not easy.

But in my opinion, all she can do is talk to him about it, let him know how she feels. She’s not asking him to dedicate a day every week of the year out to sitting with them over french toast and duck hash, but she is just asking him to grin and bear through a few drinks and chatter every once in a while. Letting him know that his lack of participation is a bit hurtful and could cause drama with her and her friends, leaving her stuck in the middle, is important. And maybe, to make these gatherings less uncomfortable, maybe he could invite along some of his own friends so that if he isn’t crazy about conversing with her girlfriends, he could, at least, have people to be social with and she could take comfort in the fact that they were able to bring important people from both of their lives together.

Whatever happens, she can’t keep going out of her way to be the girlfriend all his guy friends know and like if he’s not even interested in simply being the boyfriend her friends all know and can say they’ve actually been able to hold a simple conversation with once. And while we can’t always make everyone come together and like each other all of the time for the sake of love and harmony and all that mushy stuff, you definitely can’t do it if an effort isn’t even being made…

But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Is he petty for trying to duck and dodge her friends? 

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