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It seems like every few months we get ourselves worked up into a tizzy by a question which only seeks to make Black women feel more insecure about not doing enough to support the brothers; when in fact, we are already doing too much…

Here is the set-up:(courtesy of The Shade Room‘s Instagram feed):

 

Why is this so bothersome?

Well, for one, it’s really an unfair question. Sure the meme ends by asking, “Ladies if you were Tameka or fellas, if you were Keith, could you play that role?” But what the question is really asking us to do is judge Tameka. And Tameka’s friends.

More specifically, why do we need to know how Tameka’s friends feel about their relationship? What is the relevancy in that? And what about what Keith’s friends say about their arrangement? What can we ascertain about him from that one friend who might feel he “ain’t acting like a man” or his friend who is like, “Dude you straight came up…she got an equally rich sister?”

By even mentioning what her friends think, we are kind of telling the readers that this bit of information should have some effect on how we draw our conclusions.

And since society has a long history of perverting friendships between women – this is particularly true of relationships between Black women (ahem Oprah and Gayle) – our internalized biases will tell us that the “fault” will lie somewhere within the behavior, beliefs and opinions of all of the theoretical women involved. Because women need to mind their own business and find a man of their own. And because they are bitter and jealous and trying to make Tameka jealous and bitter too.

These are the things we tell women when we are trying to gaslight them out of following good advice or even listening to their own inner-voice, which might be telling them that their “bitter and jealous” girlfriends might have a point.

You know points like, why doesn’t Keith have ambitions beyond the bootleg version of Foot Locker? And why didn’t Keith contribute at least something to their wedding and honeymoon? Granted, he makes less than her, but $44,000 is more than enough to get a couple of decent first class seats to the Caribbean. I know people who have done it on less…

And what else do we know about Keith other than how much he “loves her?” Like, what’s his temperament like? Or his character? And is he a responsible human being in other ways?

And why do we pretend like for Black women, his love – and more importantly being married to “his love” – is supposed to be enough?

Let’s be honest here: it ain’t.

And don’t get me wrong: I believe that love can conquers all. And in theory, there is no reason why Tameka and Keith’s relationship can not work. But I also tend to believe that there are a lot of stubborn men who love their gender roles too.

More specifically, from this 2012 article in Jezebel:

A new study published in the online journal Sex Roles found that men who defined their masculinity in a more traditional way, i.e. suppressing tears at all cost, were more likely to fret about being out-earned by a girlfriend or spouse, which in turn led them to have more strained relationships. Guys who didn’t hold traditional views of masculinity gave a big shoulder-shrug to news that their lady partners made more money than they did, probably because relationships are canoes and everyone has to paddle, or some such nautical metaphor. The study surveyed 47 men in relationships with higher-earning women, asking them about the importance of the earnings gap in their relationship and about how it felt to have to ask their partners for some petty cash whenever they wanted to go to arcade with the other fellas. Not only were those non-macho guys more likely to be totally fine about making less than their wives or girlfriends, but they also tended to report of having healthier relationships, which makes sense considering that people who don’t stress about stupid shit like competitive paychecking tend to be easier to hang out with.”

And this is not to say that there are some women who don’t like their gender roles too (obviously, Tameka isn’t one of them). But it has also been my personal experience that men who felt some kind of way about their financial positions in life always found a way to bring strife into the relationship. And despite my best efforts, there was no way of loving them through their discomfort, which did not result in me getting myself hurt and/or in trouble also.

So yeah, while I appreciate the meme for getting us to challenge gender roles, I can’t also help but feel that this has less to do with us, and more to do with what all of the Keiths in the world thinks and feels about themselves.

So stop asking us.

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