Dear Very Smart Brotha,
I’m writing because I really need an honest males perspective. I was in a relationship for about 5 years, towards the end of that relationship we got engaged, then a few months after that I became pregnant. It seems to me that the day I said I was pregnant he changed. But I’ll take half the blame for that because hormones can change a woman’s attitude. So basically by the time I had my daughter, I was through and we broke up. We went thru the whole court system and what not because we couldn’t agree on anything. That took almost a year to get settled, and after it was done we both had softened up to each other and we had became friends again. I found myself loving him like before and suggested we make it work. He said he needed time. When I asked time for what, he never gave me an answer. So I let it be for a couple of months and finally got tired of waiting for whatever it was I was waiting for. It was hard, and I took it personal because he started seeing other people, so I figured it was just me that he didn’t want. It took awhile but finally I let it go. I accepted that I was going to be a single mother and started dating again. I was finally happy, not because I was dating again but because I was no longer worrying about what he was doing. We’ve always had a good friendship, and would hang out occasionally, like holidays and birthdays with the family. But when I got serious about another guy, I couldn’t do that anymore and he got mad. So now here we are almost 3 years after the breakup and he is telling me he loves me and misses me. Huh?? I’m like why now? Nothing about me has changed much but my age. Somethings went sour in his life, and now I’m putting mines back together nicely. But my real question is, and I know you can’t answer for him, but from your opinion does he really want to be with me, or is it just because I’m interested in someone else and not chasing him anymore?? I asked him and, still no concrete answer. I kinda feel like he is keeping me at arms reach so when he is ready to settle down I’ll be there, but I don’t want to be the “settle down girl”. I want to be the only girl you want. I said that if we didn’t get it together by the time my daughter could recognize certain things about us, then its a wrap. She is old enough now. So what do you think?
Sincerely,
Sick of being the settle down girl
Dear Sick of Being the Settle Down Girl,
You’re right. Your friend definitely looks at you as the “fall-back” option; a safety net for him to always be able to land on, and his recent change in attitude is due to the fact that he realizes he’s now walking the tightrope of life without a p*ssy parachute.
Your letter, though, brought up a thought-process I’d like to also address; a self-defeating way of thinking that 1) many, many, many women exhibit, and 2) has definitely contributed to the creation of millions of sleepless nights, thousands of keyed cars, hundreds of romantic comedies, and dozens of advice columns. (This one included.)
The phenomenon I’m referring to occurs when women try to “understand” a**hole behavior, and, for the life of me, I can’t understand why some of you put yourselves through this. This unrelenting need to understand, comprehend, rationalize, and ultimately sympathize with serious male jankyness has contributed to the demise of more women than Weezy’s wang, and I think it’s about time that you all write up a pact swearing that you’ll never attempt to understand the “why” again.
Don’t try to understand what’s going on in his head if you come home and find him in bed with your dogsitter. Don’t attempt to see his point of view about why you’ve been dating for seven years and you still haven’t seen him during daylight hours. Don’t write in to Dear Prudence to try to pick his brain after you’ve noticed that cash mysteriously comes up missing whenever he comes over. Don’t waste precious time and brainpower trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. No need to understand why he’s a motherFawker. Just assess, chuck the deuces, and move on to the next one.
Sincerely,
Damon Young (aka The Champ)
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