Iyanla Vanzant Says She Doesn’t Want To Marry Again Because Marriages Aren’t Equal Partnerships

March 7, 2016  |  

Iyanla Vanzant Says She Doesn't Want To Marry Again

What is the real purpose of being in a relationship? Well, according to Iyanla Vanzant it’s not for fun. On a recent appearance of “It’s Not You, It’s Men,” with Tyrese and Rev Run, Vanzant talked about not only her past relationships, the reason for them and why she will never get married again.  But unlike Oprah and Shonda Rhimes, it’s a bit different. Iyanla has been married before. Twice to the same man, in fact. So, while these ladies know what they don’t want for their lives based on what they feel marriage would be like, Iyanla has done it and knows she doesn’t want to go back to the life.

First, she explained that the reason she married her first husband was because she was seeking her father’s approval. But she also said something that seemed to catch Rev Run completely off guard.

Here’s the thing, relationships are not where we go to have fun. Relationships are where we go to heal and where we go to learn. And who you’re going to attract is the person that’s going to bring to the forefront the thing you need to learn or heal or the thing that’s going to help you grow the most. 

Later in the segment, Iyanla further explained, “Anytime you go into a relationship to stop being by yourself, the relationship is doomed.” Then later, in the context of a marriage, she said, “Two people come together to demonstrate the presence of God’s love and to a vision.”

So with all those positive things to say about relationships, their functions and even their benefit to other people, why doesn’t Iyanla want to be married again?

I would be a great wife. You know what? I would not be a great wife based on the definitions and the standards of today. I’m a great partner because I see my partner as my equal. One of things that happens in our relationships is we either pick up somebody who needs our help or pick up somebody that can help us. Love and pure relationship and commitment can only exist among equals. Cause if I see you as less than, I can’t commit. If I see you as more than I can’t commit. So today, I’m looking for an equal. And I don’t want to be a wife. I want to be a partner. Because wives have to do stuff that I’m not doing. 

All of this made me think, there really is something to be said about older women, who don’t necessarily adhere to traditional gender roles and religious doctrine about submission being able to be in successful relationships and marriages?

For successful women over 45 years old, it must be difficult to find a man, especially a Black man, especially a Black, Christian man, who won’t want his woman to submit, who won’t want to be the breadwinner or exercise some level of control and dominance over his wife. And being famous and, let’s be real, rich, she would have to find a man who was a.) so wholly and completely comfortable with his contributions to the relationship that he truly doesn’t mind her making more than him or b.) someone who did make as much as or more than her so that he actually feel comfortable in the relationship.

Even amongst the younger generation, you might find yourself hard pressed to find a man who genuinely wants to be his girlfriend or his wife’s equal. For the relationship advice I hear, it’s mostly about men and women adhering to often antiquated gender roles. Relationship experts will tell women that a man needs to be the one to provide but then call women gold diggers if they express the desire for a man who can do that.

Even though women have been in the workforce for decades now, and centuries if you’re talking about Black women, there is still this expectancy that though you might be contributing equally or more financially, as a man I must be dominant.

And women like Shonda, Oprah and Iyanla who are dominating and seem to be enjoying that life, I can’t see them agreeing to play a subservient role once they go home. For as much as people have to say about relationships, it’s very interesting that we don’t hear about equal partnerships all that much.

Do you believe that there has to be a dominant party in relationships? Would you want to be in an equal partnership?

Check out the full episode in the video below.

 

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  • Ifuaskme2

    I’m curious as to how you came up with your ‘doubt’. She has the right to her opinions and its also one I share. You on the other hand chose to attack her because you think she speaks to her demographic. Which is what? Does money not equal power across all demographics?

  • Vandellish

    Just sounds like her own personal opinion to me.
    I have no problem with what she’s saying other than the fact that she uses a few absolute terms. This is simply HER experience and HER choice about how to approach long-term relationships at this point in her life. She’s already been married and had a child so she can check those boxes off. A young lady who wants a family would likely not take this approach.

  • C2C

    Well…Iyanla really got everyone in their feelings. As an unmarried young woman, I can respect her personal decision. I just think she needs to be very careful making her remarks on marriage; she should say “Based on my previous marriages…” or “Based on my life experiences…” We need more healthy, functioning marriages in the world.

  • fanstastic

    I doubt that in the near future that “equal” partnership will even be relevant. At the rate black men are killing each other off, ending up in jail and ruining their lives dropping seeds all over the place, mature educated women motivated to accomplish a decent home, life, won’t even bother with them. The level of comprehension on this board is crazy. Vanzant is clearly speaking for herself and gives valid reasons.

  • Omo Ejilounaye

    Her marriage/s failed and at 62 she’s thought it would be nice to get other younger women in the same boat. If marriage is a place to go learn; in her own words, so how do you learn from your own equal? Confused and bored!!!!!

  • Kay

    If you are a black woman with any kind of sense, any post-secondary education, and any kind of self-value, do yourself a favor — FLEE the black community ASAP! Find yourself a good white man who VALUES MARRIAGE! Find yourself a good white man who will marry you and PROVIDE for you, and treat you like an equal! A white man who will RESPECT and VALUE all that you bring to the table! One who isn’t intimidated by your education! One who will actually encourage you to be a STAY-AT-HOME MOM if you so desire!

    Quite honestly, black men just have too many problems. Black men are supposed to be strong, but yet they’re so weak because they supposedly get kicked down by society. The black woman is supposed to CONSTANTLY remind the black man that he’s wonderful. His ego is so fragile, yet he’s supposed to be strong. He can’t get a job, but he REFUSES to go to school to get the education that black women have. The white world is against the black man… YADA, YADA, YADA!

    I wish black women would WAKE UP and grab several clues! Find yourself a QUALITY white man to marry!

  • JustTruth

    I have the same view, my husband is my partner and we are equal. I work and he works so house duties should be equally shared. He needs to cook too, clean up too, tend to the kids too and he does…I def wish he cooked more because I’m greedy BUT he does contribute equally and that causes me to be a better person both at home and out in the world.

  • MiChelle MiBelle

    I desired a leader and that’s exactly what I got. There is a bit of truth in one thing she said. Marriage is the reflection of Christ’s love for the church. It’s not just gender based roles and met checklists. It’s servant hood, extending grace and mercy, celebrating strengths, working through weaknesses, practicing healthy conflict resolutions, learning/knowing/meeting his/her needs, and a whole lot more. So yeah, if you’re not approaching marriage with the concept of what God created it for, but rather basing it on traditions and society’s standards, do yourself and a potential victim a favor and don’t consider marriage. All successful relationships require work (family, work, parent/child, etc.), so if relational work is not for you, you are definitely better off single.

    I just find it funny that she’s in the business of “fixing” folk’s lives (which requires commitment), but she’s not in the commitment business. Love her transparency, and glad she’s honest. Nevertheless, I can see why her clients lives aren’t being fixed. ~~~Do as i say and not what I couldn’t do!~~~ LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • yoda

    Y’all know it’s not really legal to embed videos from Vodlocker, right?

  • Christine

    Where we get into trouble when discussing marriage, is when we view it or what it’s “supposed” to be through a cultural rather than a biblical lense. I understand not everyone is Christian, however Iyanla did mention God as quoted here -and I assume based on what I’ve heard her say here and there that she’s Christian too. Marriage was institutionalised by God, and it is a means through which we are supposed to partner with someone (combine our spiritual gifts, from the Holy Spirit) to advance God’s Kingdom. That is it’s primary purpose, and it means that marriage comes with responsibilities. God gave Eve to Adam so that together they could rule over Eden. <<< Responsibilities. And Adam was joined to Eve because being one means loving your partner as you love yourself, as Christ calls us to love one another, as Christ loves the Church.

    A man and a woman being joined together in marriage is also to symbolise the relationship between Christ and the Church. It is true, the Church is subservient to Christ and the Bible does tell us that man is the head of marriage as Christ is the head of the Church. Nevertheless, a wife remains her husband's partner and equal, inasmuch as the husband is also a member of the Church (read between the lines here) and requires the woman's support to do the work of God (unless given the grace to live a single life). A wife should support her husband in the leadership he is called to bring to their marriage and family, however that doesn't mean following a man who is a stupid 'leader" or who fails to demonstrate the attributes of Christ in the position he occupies; that is not biblical. And for man to be "like" Christ is no easy task people! Really take the time to think of how Jesus demonstrated the ultimate and deepest love for us, by His sacrifice on the cross. And think of what that means, in terms of the freedom it has given us; and think of any human that is ready to do that for you. This is what being the "head" of marriage means. It's not dominating or being chauvinistic or earning more money or not cooking and doing the dishes. It's sacrifice, it's wisdom, it's ultimate love for God and therefore love for your partner ("love" here is a heavy word).

    The last point I wanted to make, is that considering all that the Bible teaches us about love and marriage ; is marriage really about "equality"? Just really, really think about that. Let it simmer, and think about it. I'm not making reference to a husband versus a wife's "role"; I'm talking about what us worldly humans view as "equality" in a marriage in comparison to God's purpose for inter-human relationships and particularly in this case marriage. And Iyanla is wrong when she says that people go to marriage to heal. No, no, no. You go to God to heal. You love God more than you love your partner. Only God can give you what no human or relationship or marriage can't. We obtain healing by continuously cultivating our relationship with Him first and above all; marriage is simply a tool He has given us to better serve Him. Going into a marriage to feel "complete" is exactly what the problem is in the first place. A man (imperfect, human) or a relationship will not complete you. And if that's a person's reson for seeking marriage, they shouldn't be getting married.

    • ok

      Christianity is part of the problem

      • Christine

        That’s subjective. I disagree. And that’s also subjective. If you don’t have a relationship wih God or understand how the Bible sets the foundation for marriage, then I don’t expect necessarily an opinion that’s different from what you expressed. Also subjective. I also made some implied assumptions there, but yeah.

  • ok

    Why do black people get so emotional when a woman says she does not want to get married?

  • shawn

    I totally understand were she’s coming from. We have raised our children, earned our keep and guided ourselves up to this point. To enter into a relationship were we are expected to submit, change our thinking, become mother to a grown person and follow instruction because we marry is in our mind like going backwards.

    • Miss B

      I’m sure you can find that. Especially in an older man that has been married before and no longer interested in marrying again.

  • trinielf

    This is not really a “black” thing per say and I know this because I have ethnically diverse friends and family. Educated, enlightened and financially independent women of all ethnic groups and cultures have very different ideas of what they want out of marriage today. They don’t need a provider as they can financially take care of themselves. They have no intention of giving up their talents and ambitions in life to become a man’s maidservant and expect household chores to be divided up based on who is best at what and has the time to do it. If children are part of their life plans, they want a co-parent who will be just as involved in all the child rearing duties, not an “absentee landlord” like many men traditionally are.

    As far as the relationship goes, they aren’t looking for a head to submit to but a partner and fellow adventurer on this journey of life. They see a relationship of equals where each person is each other’s trusted confidante, cheerleader, sometimes the teacher, sometimes the student, sometimes the healer, sometimes the one needing healing and sharing equal responsibility and power while also holding on to their own individuality. They expect sexual compatibility and satisfaction as well.

    Let’s face it, a lot of men’s expectation of marriage is NOT this!

    None of my East Indian girlfriends want to be in a marriage like their mothers had. None of my white girlfriends want to be in a marriage like their mothers had and none of my black friends either. Nor were they raised to be like their mothers, so you cannot blame them. They were raised to chase after their dreams, pursue their talents, ambitions and that personal fulfillment is important. They will also not put up with and suffer through the kinds of things they saw their mothers put up with, whether they saw their mothers divorced their fathers or not for those things. They want better.

  • caligirl

    i love iyanla. she is right, as usual. we don’t live in a world where it’s an ‘equal’ partnership yet. and the myth that women can “have it all” has been thoroughly debunked. doesn’t stop people from still buying into it though. certain sacrifices need to be made in terms of time management.

  • Melody Carroll

    SHE IS 100 PERCENT RIGHT

  • LNF

    I….dunno what to say

  • Reset button

    Here’s an idea: How about we eliminate race?!?!?!?! Stop seeing yourself as just a black woman, or a black man, etc., and focus on yourself. What do you want? If Oprah doesn’t want to get married, that’s her business. If Shonda Rhimes doesn’t want to get married, that’s her business. We are too busy watching them and giving them money, we’re not bettering ourselves. Vanzant doesn’t speak for all black women. I’m a black man, and I don’t speak for all black men. So instead of sitting on your and blaming black men for not keeping up with black females, how about you spend that time getting, not trapping, a man that makes you happy?

  • well he should be, if he don’t some other men is looking at you and waiting for him to mess up so they can take a shot.

    • Annamuffin

      Hahahaha

  • Kat

    My father died when I was 16. I asked my mom if she wanted to remarry. She said she didn’t want to remarry because, “Men of your father’s generation expect to be waited on hand and foot. I work fool time and I don’t want to spend my retirement waiting on a man!” At the time, I couldn’t believe that someone wouldn’t want to be married. My ex-husband was extremely demanding and expected to be waited on hand and foot. And he expected me to work full time. But only a schedule that would allow me to leave after he went to work and come home before work. When we got divorced, I could understand why my mom didn’t want to remarry. I have noticed that most men don’t want to be alone. When we divorced, I told my ex-husband that he would be remarried within two years. He vehemently disagreed and told me I didn’t know what he was talking about. And then he got married again a year and a half after we divorced. He is now in the middle of getting yet another divorce. She was his 3rd wife.

  • Dan Oglesby

    “For successful women over 45 years old, it must be difficult to find a man, especially a Black man, especially a Black, Christian man”..this indeed is the problem. White European Christian Dichotomous thinking which dictates that the man is superior, therefore the woman MUST be inferior.
    African culture dating all the way back to Black African Egyptian culture shows the man and woman “beside” each other, women ruled and were Generals of Armies. Maybe if the blacks stop practicing the foreign European culture and practice their own many problems will be solved. Modern African cultures today enjoy lower divorce rate and commitment to marriage and family, especially those free from religious dogma, but reach back to African roots which stressed a more meaningful relationship between a man and woman.

    • BlackPearl

      Excellent points made, Dan! And you have articulated some of the exact reasons I haven’t made marriage a priority in my life. I, like Iyanla, desire a partner, not a father. I don’t need anyone to “lead” me or serve as the person in charge because of gender or some societal/religious adopted role. I think a healthy marriage is a union founded upon two people working in tandem, considering both of their strengths/weaknesses and finding the balance to make it all work together.

  • lisa jones

    I have been married and I will never do it again. I cannot place that level of trust in another human being.25 years broke my heart and destroyed everything. Never again.

    • Mrs.J

      Oh no sorry to hear that.I don’t think Iyanla was saying black people shouldn’t get married but she was just saying she will never get married again herself.See many of the women who comment on here are young or have never been married but they are against people who never want to get married or never will get married gain.They don’t know what marriage is all about because they have never done it so I don’t take their opinions too seriously.You on the other hand have been married and lived through some stuff so I can appreciate and respect you comment.Blessings and peace to you!

  • Ram2015

    Hmm. How can she work with couples on their marriages if she doesn’t believe in it? I’ve seen an episode of her show were she was helping a couple with marital problems. I didn’t agree with some of the advice she was giving. If she has such a negative view regarding marriage, you better believe her advice will be tainted. It’s would be like a Christian couple going to an Atheist for marriage counseling, some of the views will not line up. It’s so important for people to be able to think for themselves. I don’t think she would deliberately unravel a marriage, but I think her advice tainted with her (subconscious negative views toward marriage) could.

    • Mrs.J

      I don’t think that she said she doesn’t believe in marriage she just said she will never get married again.I mean should we take advice from Gabrielle Union,Tiny,Yandy and Monique just because they are married?Iyanla is a very intelligent woman and she is good at helping others figure things out.

  • Jones

    I don’t understand why anyone would enter a marriage knowing that someone will tell them what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, especially if you’re the breadwinner, you provide primary child care, do most of the domestic work, and provide sex on demand.

  • They won’t look for you

    Because she made bad decisions she wants to fault the institution?
    True. There is no such thing as 50/50 different people need different things at different times.

    When we lost a child, I had to hold off because my wife’s need was more than mine at the time. Even though both her and our child died she was eventually resusitated and took in 9 pints of whole blood. I lost my family that night and got my wife back. When you are married you have to be about each other and sometimes it’s not your moment. When you are in competition or constantly worried about what you get, then there is no marriage and it is doomed.

    • Mrs.J

      Sorry for your loss.We lost our little baby too.We aren’t married though.It was very hard and we both had to be there for each other.My boyfriend was great and we helped each other through it.Men grieve differently.Without him I would’ve totally lost it.After you read this I am going to delete it.

    • Mrs.J

      I think she just doesn’t want marriage for herself.I don’t think she said that people ahouldn’t get married.Sorry for your loss!

  • Masterpieced

    Sister IV, I love you BUT its not like you are under age 40 and have a lot of bachelors after you. I would not have commented on this question if I were you.

  • Urban Light

    Sounds like the healer needs some more healing. Marriage is what each couple makes it not the social norms.For her to say she can be a partner but not a wife is double talk wives define who and what they are. Neither of these men challenged her she still sounds hurt.

    • Mrs.J

      If she doesn’t want to married ever again then so what.I want to say in one of her marriages the man took all of her money.I could have her confused with someone else though.

  • Shanell Jones

    I do see her point. Marriage is not for everybody. And most of the time, the women ends up doing more than her share of work and it’s not appreciated. I’ve been married for almost 10 years. And if I would have known how this was going to be……

    All I can say is….it’s a reason why the story ends with Happily Ever After in “Cinderella.”

  • Rob

    I don’t mind a woman making more than me…….just as long as she doesn’t throw it in my face. I remember I lived with a woman where I was paying the rent and the utility bills……she would tell me……”These are my Furniture”. Yea……..that relationship didn’t last long.

    • Rochelle

      Clearly it didn’t last long. “These are my furniture.” She didn’t even know English.

  • if you don’t want to be married again then don’t, what’s the big deal, marriage ain’t for everyone!

  • noahwayne0

    Honestly, I think most marriages that work have one person who is the lead singer, the other person is the backup singer. It depends on the couple whether the wife is the lead or the backup.

    No group works without a clear lead. At least, they won’t work for long. Its nice to say equals in theory, but in practice that will get both people frustrated.

    • Sunnysideup

      I don’t know that I fully agree. In my opinion, a couple should have two people who both possess complementary strengths.

  • WeAreNotAmused

    Why is Tyrese sitting up there with his dysfunctional abusive behind?

    • Yvette

      Lol I’ve been wondering that too. He treated his ex-wife horribly. Rev Run is the reason I watch this show. It is definitely not for Tyrese.

    • Latonya Hewitt

      That’s a very good question. In fact, why couldn’t Rev. Run use DMC on the show!?!

  • Nikkita Michelle

    I saw the show and I don’t think she was downing marriage at all. I was married for 13 years and I have 2 children with my husband. Systematically and traditionally, I did everything correct and that marriage still ended last year. It seems like the only ones pushing to be married these days are women of a certain age who have never been married and who don’t have children. That’s commendable and there’s nothing wrong with that. But for those of us who have been wife and mother and know how much work goes into being both as well as working full time, you may not be in hurry to sign up for the whole thing again. She’s actually been married 3 times, twice to the same man. She said each time she got married it was for the wrong reasons. What works for one person doesn’t work for someone else necessarily, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t see the value of marriage. Her comment was based on what she needed at this point in her life not what everyone else should do.

    • Yvette

      I saw the show too and I agree with your assessment 100%. If I had been through what she’s been through I wouldn’t be so quick to want to marry again either.

    • good points but at least tell the truth respectfully ” I did everything correct and that marriage still ended last year.” at least tell the truth, typically it was much easier or it should have been much easers raising children and doing your duties as a parent with a help meet, a spouse, than without a spouse, than doing it all alone, that’s just logic and good common sense unless the other spouse wasn’t doing their duties, the thing is if you don’t want to get married again then don’t, what’s the big deal, marriage ain’t for everyone, but it’s for me I have been married the second time for over 32 years and won’t have it any other way, if something would happen to my wife of 32 years I would go out and find me another wife because I enjoy married life. peace.

      • Nikkita Michelle

        When raising children of course it makes sense to be married. That’s why I waited to have my children until I was married because it’s a lot of work for just one person and it’s definitely easier with 2 parents. My ex knew he couldn’t do it alone and remarried 2 months after our divorce was final. We co-parent and for the most part get along as long as he keeps things about the children. I’m glad that you enjoy marriage and found peace in a second marriage. Maybe I will be so blessed as well. But with it being so fresh, I’m in no hurry. I’m enjoying my freedom. Be blessed.

        • thanks and you be bless also but you know it’s best being married when having and rising children, it makes things much easier with help, but marriage is not for everyone if a person value their freedoms and independence over “interdependency” marriage is not for that person because by definition marriage means two people coming together as one and that takes time perhaps years of working on a marriage relationship, it don’t happen when you say “I do”. Peace Nikita.

          PS: Marriage is typically better the second time around because when you get older and mature you know more about yourself and what you need in a mate but you have to be practical about it.

        • C2C

          Re-married 2 months before the divorce was final?! Ouch. That had to hurt a bit. Sorry to hear that.

    • Mrs.J

      Yes.Most of the women on this blog or young women or women who have never been married before.She never said marriage is bad.She just said she won’t be getting married again and nothing is wrong with that.

  • David

    Here’s the thing that I don’t think a lot of women who have achieved a modicum of success and wealth don’t understand because as one commenter said, they don’t live in the “real” world like the rest of us. And that is, no matter how much money you have, cars and houses own, etc, you’re still a woman and no amount of money or status changes that. The same holds true for a man. I make twice as much money as my wife, yet I do the majority of cooking, cleaning, and child rearing because my schedule allows it and I don’t feel like it’s beneath me to do so. Sometimes, men and women use money and status as a substitute for things that we should be doing. For example, I’m financially well off, and could easily afford a nanny, but, that money doesn’t absolve me of the responsibility to raise my children, and to spend time with them and my wife. A man still wants his wife or girlfriend to do wife and girlfriend things. Money doesn’t change that, but for some people it does.

    • Miss B

      Yes Yes Yes!! love to hear a man’s point of view… a man still wants his woman to do wife/girlfriend things. I have been in a relationship for a year and I can honestly say that the only time we argue or disagree is when I start acting like the man in the relationship, it throws the relationship off balance.

      • ok

        -_____________-

  • Excepcion

    Oh my goodness. There are plenty of women who are in relationships/marriages/partnerships as the one she describes..jts just the availability of that kind of man is limited as they probably are already committed…the other thing though is that an equal partnership is not always equal..that should be the average of what is taking place in the relationship..we arent always going to be at our best and neither is our partner so there will be time s where the scales will lean heavier on one side than the other..thats the flow of life anyway

  • Lisa

    What she needs is a white man with money. Problem solved.

    • noahwayne0

      is her credit messed up ?

      • Lisa

        I have no idea. The author of this piece asserts that it would be difficult for Ms. Vanzant to find a black man of equal or better financial status, so my suggestion is to marry a rich white man.

      • Masterpieced

        I don’t get how your question is related to anything to do with credit and white men….

  • IntrovertedSE

    I have no problem with that. She can live her life but her own rules.

  • Annamuffin

    Marriage equals generational wealth….

    • Deion

      No, it doesn’t. Having wealth and choosing to leave it to your children equals generational wealth.

      • ok

        I was going to say you HAVE to actually have wealth (control of resources) to begin with

        • Deion

          Exactly. I’m well off. I have a net worth of over a million dollars. I dont need to be married for my children to have access to that when I’m gone.

          • bkabbagej

            And who are these children by, random mothers? What if you should die early? Who will be responsible for these children by different mothers?,Making sure they receive this inherited wealth their father is leaving them.

            • Rochelle

              It’s called a will. You can will things without being married. Most don’t. Heck, most don’t even make wills when they should. So to answer your questions. The laws in your state will have to follow your will.

              • Deion

                Bingo. Thanks for saying what I was going to say.

              • bkabbagej

                Yes, having a will, will legally make sure they receive the money but being from a loving, legal relationship will guarantee that the money will stay in the family (name), that the children won’t be used for funds they can’t have legal control of if their under age and their mothers (for whatever reason) aren’t responsible, lawyers, judges and extended family members will make decisions for your children. So instead of making a traditional family and trusting that your wife will do what is right, you would use the same legal system that’s good enough to control your family destiny financially but to be legally married and have a wife handle those things, she’s are not needed? Hmm…

                • Mrs.J

                  Ha.Married women take the money that is supposed to be for their kids all of the time after the father dies.I am a child of a woman who used my money my father left me.My parent s were divorced by then but my dad still had my mom as having control over the money.She took all of my 120,000 and never saved any of the $800 I got a month.I know a dude we grew up with went through the same thing but his parents were married when his father passed.I think it’s better to have a will.People get greedy when the see dollar signs.

                  • David

                    That’s exactly when it should been in trust that no one other the recipient can touch. That was your father’s mistake. I’m sorry that happened to you.

                    • Mrs.J

                      Thanx.My dad shouldve never trusted her.

                  • bkabbagej

                    Saved some of the $800.00 she got a month? Me and Mine who sound a little greedy? So where was she suppose to get the money to raise you? Buy your clothing, put a roof over you head, electric and utilities, food, school supplies,,school trips, carfare and any of the day to day needs you had growing up? I didn’t see you stating that you grew up lacking anything but part of that $800.00. Your father was no longer here to provide for you, with them being divorced, your father had to provide for you (child support or was he not paying for anything), with him no longer here who(or what) was suppose to fill in that financial gap for your mom? So the entire $120,00.00 was suppose to go into a trust for you (you also lack to state if you have siblings) and your mother was suppose to provide for you totally, while funds sit waiting for you until you decide to do what? Some of the responses to your statement surprise me, and I’m truly blown away that anyone could think that putting money in a trust for growing children (minors) without consideration of having to live right now is correct. That’s why I said “if you think writing a will is best”, then do what you feel is best.

                    • Mrs.J

                      Honestly my mom should be in jail for what she did .My dad left half of the money in a trust for me and the other half I was to get when I was 18.Never got anything.Also if you are getting a monthly check for a child you should put some of that money away for your child in a bank account for them.My mom never really worked.She could’ve saved like $200 a month for me instead being so greedy.

                    • bkabbagej

                      So in other words your father left nothing for your mother to raise you with. Do you really think a parent should save something out of $800.00 a month for their child to receive when they become an adult. If your father would have survived do you think he would have handed you $60,000.00 when you became 18? I’m wondering how old are you? A little out of touch with reality are you? Half was for a trust for you and the other half was for you when you turned 18. so what part was for your living and having something to live on until you made 18? You expected your mother to fully take care of you financially and your father’s funds were for you after you became an adult? Jail, are you for real? I take it you don’t have children, because I can’t see a mother not seeing your mother’s situation…maybe there’s something else going on because this can’t be right!

                    • Mrs.J

                      The $800 a month my mother got was for me to live on.My dad passed when I was almost a teenager.I guess you are ok with a mom stealing all of her daughter’s money and not saving any of it for her.She never worked and lived off of the 120,000 plus the $800 a month I got.You would think she should’ve saved some of that money for me right.I got nothing.

                    • GUEST123

                      You do realize that on average it costs $240,000 to raise a child from birth to 18 yrs old. That’s the latest stats from the Dept. of labor.. and that is for a middle class lifestyle. You should let this go. Your relationship with your mother is more important than money. You can always get more money. You only have one mother.

                    • Mrs.J

                      Why would I let her taking my $120,000 go that makes no sense.That money wasn’t for her and as a child she didn’t raise me my dad and the government did.She had no right to take money that my dad left for me.Point blank period.She could’ve easily used the $800 a month plus income from her job.Oh yea that’s right she never worked.We never had cable or food in the house.I had to beg her to take me shopping and the money she gave me I had to buy my sibling clothes.That isn’t a mother.You sound crazy.I would never take my child’s money.

                    • GUEST123

                      No, I’m not crazy. I understand your anger. I have a half sister whose father died a very wealthy man. He left millions in a trust for her. Step mom did some fancy wrangling just before dad died, and my sister has never seen a penny. So, like I said, I get it. However, my sister has chosen to forgive and move on, and believe me she could have used the money. But, that anger and resentment will eat you alive. I’m simply suggesting freeing yourself from it and if possible, attempt to build a relationship with your mom. If not, love her from a distance. Your life will be richly blessed if you do so.

                    • Mrs.J

                      My mother isn’t a nice person period so why would I talk to her.She is mean.

                    • GUEST123

                      I’m sorry. I recently had someone who was in my life for most of my life do something quite reprehensible. What I found is that my anger and resentment was hurting me. I actually started to get physically sick. I had to let it go. I decided to forgive which was very hard, and now I have a life of real peace and joy.

                      It’s true what they say about forgiveness. It’s for you not the other person. I think we really should change the phrase: “I forgive you” to “I forgive you FOR ME.” Google Maya Angelo’s interview with Oprah – the piece about forgiveness. She sums it up perfectly.

                    • Mrs.J

                      You have no right to tell me what I should do about a situation you know nothing about.Please stop.My mother isn’t a nice person so I don’t deal with her and that has nothing to do with the money situation.Life is too short to deal with people who care nothing about you.Thanx and have a nice day!

                    • GUEST123

                      You are absolutely right.
                      Have a nice day.

                    • Mrs.J

                      That was my college money and she took it.What kind of mom does that?

                    • Mrs.J

                      Yea she was supposed to go to jail.A lawyer told me what she did was a crime.He said half the money was to stay put until I got 18.It was a big thing.

              • bkabbagej

                Also a will is only a piece of paper…it cannot replace a family and knowing that along with having plenty of money left to you, you came from a loving union with parents that cared enough to try and give their children a complete and thoughtful couple as parents. There are always answers for whatever we choose to do in life but a lot of people forget that if you decide you have children consideration for their well being should come foremost, as a part of our decision to conceive and raise them.

                • true, I can’t believe how shallow these people are!

              • millionaire parent and all great however in order for a child to grow up and become a productive and responsible citizen they must have more than money they need good parents and the question is who is raising, teaching, guiding and training these children?

                • Deion

                  That’s neither here nor there. The point that I’m making is that it’s a fallacy to just assume because one is married, that it equals generational wealth. At no time did I ever said that I don’t raise my children or that I even have children. I’m saying that generational wealth is the product of one accumulatung wealth and choosing to leave it to future generations, simply by getting married.

                  • that’s great that you have accumulated wealth on your own but lets be honest here you like a friend of mines and people like you are the “exception”, a rarity, not the norm, not the typical, and typically two people working together can create more wealth than one person doing it alone, that the typical and the norm, so let be real and stop trying to deceive our people acting like the exception is the norm, just plain old logic and good common sense. peace.

                    • Deion

                      Again, I’m not deceiving anyone. I never said not to get marred or said anything bad about marriage. Again, it’s a fallacy that because you sign a paper that magically you will be wealth that lasts generations. Generational wealth comes from acquiring wealth and being savvy enough to grow it and choosing to leave it to your children. Many of fortunes have be made and lost. If you don’t know how to manage it you can’t leave it to anyone. The act of marriage won’t give you that skill. That’s all I’m saying, no more no less. I have no issue with being married.

                    • very good point and your are right even if you are married you still must manage you money properly and be savvy enough to grow it or just make the necessary sacrifice and invest a portion of your income into a 401K especially if the company will match what you put in. more power to you.

              • anonymouse

                Wills have been contested…remember the chaos about james brown’s will?

            • ok

              A will.

          • Lisa

            But if you had a spouse contributing to the family finances and structure, you’d have way more. Take my word for it.

            • Deion

              True, but what I have is plenty and it’s mine. I made it on my own.

          • but who is guiding, raising and training these children? money alone can’t raise a child, we have to look no further Bobbi Christina Houston, a fool and his/her money will soon depart and a unraised child with money is a train wreak waiting to happen.

      • Annamuffin

        Lies, that’s why black people are broke…. Look around, why are you having children with no father, why can’t you work with the man that gave you his seed to build something great why are you against building a strong foundation?

        • DA-BIG-D

          The majority of black women have been trained to devalue their men. And look at what this has led to throughout the generations.

          • Annamuffin

            I don’t understand why, the black man never oppressed us so why are these women so bitter?

            • Deion

              Bitter is a choice. Everyone has gone through something. That’s an excuse to justify your way of thinking.

            • because that’s what they were taught!

              • Annamuffin

                I wasn’t taught that…

                • I know I can tell and it’s refreshing to see young black women like you.

                  • Annamuffin

                    I hope your not cheating

                    • nope, I look and admire gods greatest creation all of the good looking fine sister in this world, but have no desire to cheat!

                    • Annamuffin

                      You better not, it’s a horrible thing to do….

                    • nope, it’s natural, I have caught my wife looking lol.

                    • Annamuffin

                      Looking at white men?

                    • I don’t know about that!

                    • Annamuffin

                      You shouldn’t be looking either….

                    • well it’s the way you look, it’s a mans nature to look and admire a beautiful women, if your man ain’t looking something is wrong with him.

          • SweetRitaB

            Lies!! People like you blame Black women without putting any of the onus on Black men. Black women are what have held the Black community together!

            • Mrs.J

              Thank you.Bingo!

        • Deion

          The majority of black people that are broke are broke fot a litany of reasons. They send thier money on foolishness rather than invest it, pour financial habits, some never had money to begin with so they don’t know anything about growing it. Marriage is no guarantee of anything other than you got married.

          • Masterpieced

            YES! Our wardrobes are LAID but we have little money in the bank….

        • good question! but understand this you can’t reason with fools.

    • DA-BIG-D

      Thank You. I cannot believe we are feeding this destructive message to the black community.

      • Kitty

        I can.

      • Annamuffin

        First Bossip now MN, people don’t believe these fools…. Look at any other race that’s making money, living life and vacationing and you’ll notice they move as a family unit….

        • DA-BIG-D

          Why do women, particularly black women, devalue and hate their roles so much? I just don’t understand. Women are already “equal” to men in quality, purpose and significance of their being and God-given assignment. Why is this not enough? Why do they have to want more? To want to overtake the man and exceed him in his assignment?

          • why? because they are not smart, not wise and have been beguiled by a devil who told them that the universal god that they go to church every Sunday and worship made a mistake, and they believed this BS.

          • ok

            Because its a manufacturedd role created by religion which was meant to destroy humanity (case in point black people) and has nothing to do with our REAL role on this planet.

        • ok

          Those people also have a nationality and nation principles which black people dont have.

          • Annamuffin

            What, black people don’t have principles?

            • ok

              National principles…no “Blacks” dont have that cause they dont have a nationality

              • Annamuffin

                Well I grew up with principles and values, I think you’re thinking about the rift raft

                • ok

                  I said NATIONAL principals..that requires being apart of a nation..there is no blackistan.

              • Annamuffin

                There are black people in the spectrum that have places of origin, like Jamaicans, barbarians, Sudanese and etc…

      • thank you, it’s been going on now for almost 50 years and we wonder why our community is so dysfunctional.

    • ninjas hate stability

      Well some of us hate structure and having a foundation in life. And then they have the nerve to cry about child support.

      • DA-BIG-D

        WE HAVE BEEN CONDITIONED TO THE CHAOS.

        • you are right, I just can’t believe just how shallow these people are.

    • true but they just can’t quite comprehend that fact, thus the reason they are on the bottom of every positive category and at the top of every negative category.

  • LogicalLeopard

    Wait, what? I can’t see the video, so could someone enlighten me? Is she even saying that she doesn’t want to get married, or is she just saying that she wants to be an equal in a future marriage?
    Or is she saying that she will not get married because she won’t submit to Christian gender roles, being a Christian? What? I don’t know what’s going on *L*

    • Yvette

      What she said is that SHE will never get married again. She never insinuated or suggested that marriage is wrong or that people shouldn’t do it. I have no idea what the other comments are about because I was able to see the video and watched all of it. Iyanla did not put down marriage. Don’t believe the hype.

      • LogicalLeopard

        Oh, I wasn’t thinking that she was putting down marriages, I was just curious as to why she didn’t want to get married.

        • Yvette

          She said she doesn’t want to get married again because she’s been married 3 times (twice to the same man). I personally think that she hasn’t met the right guy yet.

          • LogicalLeopard

            Well, okay, I can see that.

      • African Woman

        Thanks Yvette for putting the record straight. I don’t get why people are so mad about what she wants to do in her life. When it comes to issues like getting married or not; or having kids or not people take other people’s choices so personally. Iyanla was very positive about marriage – she just doesn’t want to get married. Just coz someone chooses not to go the same path you have, does not mean she hates marriage or whatever, nor is her choice a commentary on your choice.

  • Guest11

    Interesting how all these O people are always downing traditional marriage. These are wealthy women who can afford to take whatever views they want, but for the average working woman who wants a family, she is better off doing it in a marriage. Marriage will protect you legally and it also gives you a committed partner to your family. The real issue here is choosing wisely. That’s where so many fall short. They base their decisions on many of the wrong things. There are usually signs that you two are not likely to last the long haul, but many, especially women choose to ignore it. I wish these Hollywood types would stop encouraging women in the “real” world to be so dismissive of things that are in your best interest. Making a bunch of babies, acquiring things and building a life with someone you have no legal ties to and no legal rights to is not in most women’s best interest!!! Notice it’s black women encouraging this BS!! White women are still getting a ring put on it and still winning when it ends!!!

    • DA-BIG-D

      PREACH! I am so sick of black people. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE WANT! You go on these black websites,every day and all you hear are lamentations about gay marriage and how effeminate black men are becoming, father-less homes, etc. etc. One minute we seem to romanticize traditionalism and think that it can possibly be the cure to some of this generations’ ills, but then the next minute, we vote for the most non-conservative and liberal prez by a landslide. One minute we want to be so conservative, but we never seem to really move in that manner with our votes and our personal behavior. We talk about all of our OOW babies, what is going wrong with this generation of black youth, yet we never seem to want to discipline ourselves to show them the right example about dedication, love and sacrifice and a true reverence for the bible and its commandments about our roles and what we are supposed to do. And this is why the black race stays cursed. For centuries now, we have been trying to adopt and follow a religion and ideology that was beat into us, and we seem to be utterly incapable of doing it. Now, more so than ever before. Our women want to be men and take the place of a man and now more and more of our boys and young men are starting to behave, walk talk and look like women. Heck, some of them are even starting to throw they legs up in the air and have sx like a woman! That’s right! You heard me!

      • Amen to that.

      • Mrs.J

        Blacks voting democrat or republican really doesn’t matter.We have to fix us and help ourselves.

      • Summer

        and how exactly are black women being men? Holding their own after he done knocked up and split? Holding their own paying all their own bills, making sure they don’t get knocked up and being a boss?!

        • Mrs.J

          Thank you.Most black women would love to be with a man that can provide,love,cherish and protect them but too many men are incapable of that.So black women have decided to get our degrees,open our own businesses or work in great careers making good money.We can’t wait for black man savior to do all of this because he is out in the streets being reckless.

          • Twila

            You need to understand that the black men out in the streets came from black women who made poor choices to mate with an irresponsible black men. And this irresposible black man came also from a black women who mated with an irresponsible black man prior. It’s an ongoing cycle. No matter how much be blame black men, we as black women are resposible for opening our legs and letting them in! There’s a reason the vagina is between our legs instead of on our backs.

            • Mrs.J

              That’s not always the case.It’s not so black and white.Sometimes the father is around but he can be abusive to both the father and child and cause problems later.Also there are many women who have kids when they are married but after the divorce the men cease all contact with th child.There are many scenarios.If the black community wants to do better both parents have to start by being good role models to their children.The black man is supposed to lead the black woman and child.He has failed that mission.
              It seems like we will just have to agree to disagree no need to go back and forth.

    • Guestest1

      Because white people value marriage a lot more.

      • DA-BIG-D

        Whites, Asians, Indians, etc. I just wish black people would stop faking the funk, acting as if they really believe and subscribe to certain ideologies and tenets, when it is painfaully obvious that we don’t and we don’t want to. We don’t value marriage.

        • the question is why?

        • Mrs.J

          Why do blacks need to keep comparing themselves to other races that don’t even like us.Blacks need to value education more and both parents need to be good influences on their children.You keep talking about other races like they are perfect when they are far from it.All we need to take from other races like Asians is hard work and to value education more.

          • wow you are hitting home runs tonight.

            • Mrs.J

              Well blacks seem to always want to uplift other races who hate us.It makes no sense.I am not uplifting them that dislike us.

              • agreed, because it makes no sense to uplift other who is against you or your kind, it’s against nature, it’s just not natural.

          • Annamuffin

            Hey I’m the one who said blacks need to copy the Asian model…

            • Mrs.J

              Yea if you read my other commnets I say this.We can learn from Asians who value family,education and hard work.They let their kids live with them while they are attending college and everything.It’s great.

              • Julia

                You are making it sound like African-Americans do not already have these values. I have known many African-American families over many years and I see these values already. Same with African families.

                Yes, you can always learn from others, but do not give the impression that they are superior in any way. African-Americans have been taught, for a long time – in the media, etc.- that they are not good enough. Please do not reinforce these stereotypes in any way. (And I have read several of your other comments and think I get an idea of your opinion, which I tend to agree with. I just have an issue with this post. :))

                • Mrs.J

                  Duh.If you read my comments I say that blacks need to stop praising and comparing us to other races that aren’t perfect.

                  I am not saying all blacks or stereotyping blacks but too many aren’t doing what they should for their households.Too many blacks have bought into the lie of materialism.We buy,buy,buy just to fit in with them that dislike us.Too many of us are lost.We need to get back to basics and put family first.We are chasing material goods that don’t matter.I just want us to awaken and see the light.It seems like I have and you have but too many don’t.

                • DLB

                  Thank you for saying this. I see these other nations (i.e. Asians, etc.) that get government handouts, they cheat through school, are in gangs, etc., but you won’t hear about it on the mainstream media. Yes African-Americans do have strong family values, value education, and are hard working. Just because the mainstream media (including some of our so-called Black media), shows negative images from one neighborhood in the inner-city, doesn’t reflect all Black people who may live in urban areas, live in the suburbs, and/or live in rural areas. And these Black people come in various classes (upscale, middle class, working class, etc.). Not all Black people are poor.

                  • Mrs.J

                    I think that most of us on this blog know that.I live in Cali and yes we have Asians who are menances to society.

                    • DLB

                      LOL.

            • Julia

              African-Americans do not need to “copy” any model. African-Americans need to take pride in themselves, their history, struggles and identity.

              • Annamuffin

                African Americans have become complainers that depend on others for a check….

                • Julia

                  ? Speak for yourself. I know many decent African-Americans who work twice as hard as anyone and don’t get recognition. If you are African-American, then I am disappointed in your level of self-hate.

                  • Annamuffin

                    I don’t self hate

          • DA-BIG-D

            By the same token, you too, are pointing out what we can learn from observing others.

            • Mrs.J

              Just the Asians and how they value family,education and hard work.At the same time I won’t praise Asians are say they are winning because I live in Cali where many Asians Gang bang so they aren’t perfect.

          • Eric

            You talk about black wmen like tyre perfect and blame everything on men when in fact there is blame on both sides.

          • Mike Stevens

            Years ago, companies would come to my liberal arts college and recruit graduating students for jobs as plant managers in factories. Today all those jobs are gone. I don’t know anyone who is not an engineer or computer science major that found a job in a large corporation or small business. All the Black women I know who graduated from college work for either the state or federal government. I’m not sure if promoting education is the solution to the problems facing the Black community. If 100,000 additional Black males graduated college today, I would imagine most would not be able to find a job. Small businesses do most of the hiring in the U.S., and very few are Black owned or operated. Without Black businesses to hire college educated Blacks, there really isn’t a point for many additional Blacks than we already have to attend college. Asians value marriage and have the highest marriage rate of all races. Asians have the lowest rate of out-of-wedlock births. Asians are unlikely to participate in high school or college athletics. Asians are most likely to spend the majority of their income on Asian owned businesses. As for education, Asians have a lower percentage of their race attending college vs. Black women.

            • Mrs.J

              So black males shouldn’t go to college?They can at least graduate high school which many black males don’t do.The job market is bad for everyone especially black males but black males should at least try.They aren’t even trying hard enough.Many don’t want to work,go to school or do anything.

              • Mike Stevens

                Black males in Vermont, North Dakota, and Maine have higher graduation rates than White males. Why are Black males from those states more likely to value education? Its easy to say that Black males don’t want to work or go to school, but if that is the case, then what is different about the Whitest states in the Union? I think many Black males are driven by both society and sexual motivations. Black girls are not attracted to intelligent Black boys in high school, and prefer athletes and “bad boys”. Telling Black boys to step up, is essentially telling Black boys to ostracize themselves socially and sexually from other Blacks. This is easier to do if the Black male has immigrant parents. Addressing nationwide rates of high school graduation for Black males is important, but tax dollars will need to be invested in this specific demographic. I would imagine that there are less than 1 million dollars invested nationwide specifically to Black male students to increase their high school graduation rate. Instead of saying “Blacks need to value education more”, maybe we should say “we need to invest more in young Black males who have low rates of high school graduation”.

                • Mrs.J

                  In California we have invested lots of money into black males and other underprivileged male youth but they still don’t graduate.At the end of the day you can’t make or coddle the youth.

        • Mrs.J

          50% of people living in America don’t value marriage then I guess.We have a very high divorce rate.

          • DA-BIG-D

            Depends on which demographic was polled. From what I see, other cultures here still seem to value marriage.

            • Mrs.J

              I know the other cultures that you love to praise and worship.Other cultures stay married because many cant divorce because it is against their religion.

              • DA-BIG-D

                It’s supposed to be against ours too. A sittin’ up in de choch, eery Sunday, a sangin, and a rockin, a wailin, but then disobeying, the other 6 days of the week.

                • Mrs.J

                  So you think it’s ok for people to stay married because of religion?A woman should have to stay with a man who beats her or who cheats constantly or does other heinous things?I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way.

          • Eric

            It’s more complicated than that. Like it or not, marriage in our modern society isn’t as important as it used to be, and there are much more politics and it’s more punitive than ever before. There is less incentive regardless of your gender to marry than ever before.

            • Mrs.J

              I agree with that totally.Now that women can work and many are doing better than men there is no reason to get married.Marriage is a business deal.

          • Mike Stevens

            The divorce rate for Blacks is close to 70%. The duration of Black marriages is usually only a few years. The problem is that many Black women are like Iyanla Vanzant and after they are divorced, they are off the dating and marriage market. Most White and Asian divorcees will remarry, and if they have children, it is even more likely they will remarry. Black women are more likely to receive government assistance after a divorce, which automatically places the Black father on a child support case to reimburse the government. Since Black males have a 50% unemployment rate, this increases the likelihood the father will lose his license and/or become incarcerated, making it even more difficult to find a job. Women with the mindset of Iyanla also creates a shortage of Black women on the dating and marriage market, which increased the ability of many Black women to choose superficial traits, such as looks, muscles and displays of wealth when choosing a mate. The problem is that choosing superficial traits is not conducive to finding a stable marriage partner and the cycle continues.

            Based on my analysis, the weak job market for Black males seems to be the underlying issue, and should be addressed. Or we can keep telling young Black people to value education and for young Black men to step up.

            • Mrs.J

              I don’t really care.If Iyanla doesn’t want to get married again then she doesn’t have to.Plain and simple.

              • Mike Stevens

                You are not alone. Without strong values of marriage among Blacks however, the wealth gap between Whites and Blacks will continue to increase.

                • Mrs.J

                  I don’t really care about that I just want my people to do better.Thanx for the insight and have a nice day!

                • Mrs.J

                  Two broke black people getting married makes no sense then?Or a situation where only the black wife works but the black husband doesn’t work?How can they accumulate wealth.I honestly believe is a business deal.

                  • Mike Stevens

                    Two people are stronger together vs. individually. Especially when purchasing property, even a low earning spouse can significantly alter the couples wealth accumulation. Insurance rates decrease and going out to clubs and nightclubs also decrease. Cooking meals becomes cheaper for couples vs. singles. Statistically, there are health benefits as well as economic gains. While there are always exceptions, as a general rule, married Black couples have 10x more wealth than single Black men and women. Not being able to pass wealth to children is the primary cause of wealth inequality and racism in the United States. We need to support economically young Black males to get jobs so that they can become marriage material for young Black women.

                    • Mrs.J

                      I don’t see how two broke people getting married can be better.I also don’t see how it’s better when a woman is the only one working in the household.I totally agree that black males do need to work and do better so they can become good husband material.
                      On the other hms many black men that are doing good don’t want to get married.How do you feel about that?

                    • Mike Stevens

                      I know a Black male around 35 who has a high paying job, multiple degrees, nice house and nice car. Black girls gave him the cold shoulder throughout high school, college, and the beginning stages of his career. I asked him why at age 35, he keeps dating these 20 year old girls. He said most Black women around his age have kids and “too much baggage”. People like him are taking young Black women off the dating market, and causing a shortage of young single Black women amidst a numerical surplus. I don’t know whether it is my friend to blame, or the fact that Black women were late recognizing my friend’s worth as the cause of many younger Black women becoming increasingly picky with Black men who go to college with them, or are at the beginning stages of their career. When I was in college, there was a shortage of Black men on campus. That did not mean that nerdy Black males had girlfriends. Black women at my college were exclusively attracted to football players, basketball players, and Black student government officers. Those nerdy Black guys from my college are now all successful, and many do not feel they should be the second choice. I think that is the #1 reason why you may think they don’t want to get married.

                    • Mrs.J

                      You didn’t really answer my question but ok.I also don’t think that your friend or people like him are causing a shortage of young black women who are marriage material.I wanted to know what you thought about black men who are educated and have well paying jobs but don’t want to settle down?

                    • Mike Stevens

                      There are 170 never married Black men for every 100 never married Black women without children. Both older financially stable men and women chasing after the same men are the cause of the shortage. I can’t answer your question because it is such a small minority. Almost all well educated Black men with well paying jobs want to settle down. Well educated Black men that are tall, built, attractive, and have well paying jobs have (5% of the Black male population) may have child support payments and are waiting until they meet the perfect mate.

                    • Mrs.J

                      Ok.Well this will be my last comment to you.I have enjoyed your perspective on things.I also think that the black church also plays a part in black women and black men not marrying more.The black church encourages us,more so black men,to marry whoever God leads them too.I was reading about someone named Trip Lee and he said that he has always wanted to marry a black woman but God lead him to be with a white woman.How is this message that many black churches give supposed to make the black family stronger?Blacks,because of our religious beliefs are too accepting of things.

            • Mrs.J

              Even black men who have jobs aren’t marriage material.I think that there is no problem with a black woman not wanting to get married after she has been divorced.I will probably never get married or get married later in life and I don’t see a problem with that.

      • Mrs.J

        They get married for show.They want the nice house and kids just so people can say wow they are living the American Dream.It’s a facade and blacks have to stop looking at whites and trying to be like them.They aren’t anything to envy.

        • Guestest1

          They get married because they see that their parents are married. I agree on the part where blacks should stop looking at white people as the “goal”.

          • Mrs.J

            True.But whites aren’t perfect either.Once you peel the facade back you will see that many white families are dysfunctional also.
            Why should we want to be like a group of people who don’t like us.If anything we should look at Asians who value hard work,family and education.If blacks focused on those 3 things we would be doing much better than we our today.

            • Guestest1

              I never said whites were perfect or even insinuated anything like that. The topic is not about being like white people.. it’s about marriage which whites happen to walk into more and on average, faster.

              • Mrs.J

                Ok.We just shouldn’t be trying to be like them because they aren’t the ones to look up too.

              • Mrs.J

                So you still are acting like whites are the bees knees when they aren’t.What was the point of putting whites value marriage more when we are talking about black people.Whites aren’t the ones to look up to.

                • Guestest1

                  How am i acting like whites are the “bees kness” by stating facts? And if you really want an answer to your question then go back up and look at the person i first replied to last sentence which read: White women are still getting a ring put on it and still winning when it ends.” I wasn’t the one who brought up white people, i replied to someone who did.

                  • Mrs.J

                    You guys have similar names.Yea I saw that thats ashame that she or he feels that way.So I guess white women are winning.I guess they are winning because they are getting married.I guess winning equals getting a man.How sad that she feels that way.Anyways thanx for the chat.

                    • Guestest1

                      I don’t by any means agree with marriage being associated to “winning”. I’m definitely not one of those women who think that a woman having a man makes her above those who are single.

                    • Mrs.J

                      Me either.It seems like that other person seems to equate white women winning=white winning getting married.That’s sad.That’s why when so many women get left by their husbands they lose it.They have made a man their whole life and existence.How sad.It was really nice chatting with you.I will definitely be checking for you.

                    • Guestest1

                      Thank you. Same here.

            • Lisa

              It doesn’t matter which other “races” don’t like “us”. We need to be asking why black people, when compared to every other ethnic group in the US, have the highest out-of-wedlock birth rate, lowest rates of marriage among “our” women, and lowest levels of educational attainment. Even if some other nebulous group supposedly doesn’t like us, we can still look into why they are successful in these aspects of life. By your logic, I should not have read the investing books by Warren Buffett, Burton Malkiel, or T. Boone Pickens, and used this information in order to increase my net worth simply because these people are white. Makes no sense. We should be looking to emulate success and excellence in all its colors. What makes you so sure the Asian people are the only ones to be emulated? Is it because they “like” black people so much? Hardly. These days, I’m starting to run into more Nigerian medical doctors than African American ones. Why is that? I’ll tell you – It’s because they place great emphasis on marriage/family, community, and educational achievement. Maybe we should take a hint from them.

              • Julia

                Nigerians are successful in part because they grow up in a different world where they are told they can be anything they want and do not have to deal directly with oppression from another race on a daily basis. So when they come here, regardless of whether the media and society try to tell them they are inferior, they are already programmed to know anything is possible and so see American racism as crazy, because they already know who they are.

                Foreigners in general see America much differently from people who grow up here. They know the way things are in America is just one reality among many.

                • Lisa

                  Precisely. There has to be a way for the bulk of American black people to free themselves of these mental chains. I am American, as are my parents. They grew up during segregation, but they did all they could to excel and they instilled that same mentality in all their children. I just wonder why so many folks buy into the thinking that their opportunities are limited and they won’t be able to do better.

              • Mrs.J

                No I just like how Asians value family,education and hard work.Too many young black men don’t value education and since we have a fatherless problem I guess many don’t value family either.Sorry I don’t know any Nigerians.The ones I have met before don’t like black Americans.Also not all Asians are doing good because in Cali they have a Gang issue.

              • Mrs.J

                Also us not getting married won’t fix anything.Black men have to step their game up first before black women will marry them.Also I see that black women are waking up and not having babies as much with bum men.That’s great!

            • Julia

              And African-Americans don’t value hard work?

              • Mrs.J

                Too many don’t.Americans are lazy compared to other immigrants.

      • Masterpieced

        REALLY! Tell that to the successful business man who leaves his wife for the secretary. lol

        • Guestest1

          Leaves his who? His WIFE? Oh okay..

          • Mrs.J

            So him leaving a girlfriend wouldn’t matter lol?You guys are so caught up on the whole being a wife thing.It’s funny and sad to me.

            • Guestest1

              I don’t agree with infidelity but my point still remains, they value marriage more. Infidelity happens whether you are married or single(in a relationship).

              • Mrs.J

                Ok.They value marriage but cheat still ok.

                • Guestest1

                  Not everyone cheats in their marriage.

                  • Mrs.J

                    True but way too many do.Many people get married for societal and religious reasons when they know they aren’t ready to settle down.Then they cheat like nobody’s business or can’t handle being married and make their wives and kids miserable.That’s why I said many whites get married for show and to put on a facade.That’s why we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to them or wanting to be like them because many of them are living a lie.

                    • Guestest1

                      I think many people (regardless of race) get married because they love one another. But if you are willing to get married you do see some value in it.

                    • Julia

                      You are right: many people cheat on their wives and make their lives hell. When you come out, you realize you’ve lost several years. That being said, I agree with the original post that said the problem is picking the wrong person. Granted, you can think you picked the right person and get blind-sided.

                    • Mrs.J

                      That’s very true.

            • Annamuffin

              Well I’m excited about being a wife because I’ll get to enjoy perks and do fun couple stuff….

    • thank you, ” Notice it’s black women encouraging this BS!!” you are right and they are the one who’s children are filling up the jails and morgues etc. and you wonder why? thanks.

      • Mrs.J

        Please don’t put the breakdown of the black family on black women’s shoulders.Many single black moms are raising great kids.The breakdown of the black family lies on the shoulders of the black man.He has left the black woman and child to fend for themselves.

        • to a degree you are right, many black men have left black women for a lot of reasons not all his fault, some leave because they are sorry and really had no good intention from the beginning, and some due to the lack of knowledge and fault of the women some black men have been forced to leave, some men had to leave because the women have made it very difficult for him to stay in his children life either way it’s not good for the child, family or community.

          • Mrs.J

            Thank you and I agree.

      • Julia

        I am guessing you are clueless or closing to your eyes to systemic racism. I have met lots of Caucasians who break the law over and over and face zero or minimal consequences. I know if an African-American person did a tiny fraction of what they did, they wouldn’t have the chance to break another law.

        Even if you don’t break the law, the legal system will find a way to label you a criminal if they can. And that is not hard if you are poor.

        The fact is, law enforcement, in general is a representation of a system that hates African-Americans and sees them as inferior. Modern prisons are the new way to enslave minorities, especially African-Americans, from Rikers to Angola.

        • I can not disagree with you, you are right however as a man born and raised in the south doing the Jim Crow era I can say as a dark skin big black male I have never had handcuff on me, I have done a lot of things, I mean, I have done somethings that most people including whites would have been arrested for, but due to way I carry myself, my disposition, when I was caught I was let go, not searched told “you can go”, many of times if they had search me or my car they could have locked me up but they didn’t, maybe it was luck but I think it was my up bringing, my good manners, my disposition along with maintaining my dignity.
          PS: I remember turning down a one way street late one night drunk right in front of a white policemen downtown Jacksonville FL, and I stop and ask the policeman officer how do I get back to I-95 and he politely gave me direction on how to get back to I-95 he had to know I was driving drunk.

    • Mrs.J

      I think that she is just speaking for herself.It’s really hard to get married and stay married in this day and age.Back in the day women got married because many women weren’t allowed to work.Men got married so that he could have a family and take care of them financially.Marriage was a business deal.Now that women can work and go to school many are opting out of marriage or just getting married later.Women no longer have to get or stay in horrible marriages out of fear.

    • Mrs.J

      What are white women winning?A man?When did getting married become winning?Stop praising white women.They aren’t to be envied at all.

      • Guest11

        If you think the post was about praising white women, then you missed my point.

        • Mrs.J

          White women are getting their rings.White women are winning.Again stop praising white women.They aren’t to be looked up to.

        • Mrs.J

          Black women are spreading this bs.White women are winning.What a dumb thing to say on a site geared towards black women.Iyanla never said she doesn’t agree with the institution of marriahe she just said she will never get married again herself.Did you even watch the whole things or were you to busy bowing down to white women?

          • Julia

            “…were you too busy bowing down to white women?” Lol!

        • Betty Crocker

          Guest11, Mrs.J has BEEN missing the point. Just read all of her comments. Lol.

          • Mrs.J

            No I haven’t at all.You are a lost black person because all of my comments make sense.She really said white women are getting that ring and white women are winning.She could’ve left that one out.The media already says that white women are prettier and smarter than black women and here she goes saying that they are winning.

            • Betty Crocker

              Haha, I’m not lost. Seems like you have a complex and envious of white women. If so, get over it; You will never be a white woman. Why are you making everything about race (white v.s black)? Who cares what the media says. You may actually be the lost black person if you are believing and following what the media says, lol. In addition, SO WHAT if “they” (white women) are “winning”, stay in YOUR lane and focus on self. That’s how YOU win. Simple.

              • Mrs.J

                Well that person compared white women to black women and said that white women are winning.White women aren’t wining anything.Why would I be envious of a white woman?Did you even read Guest comment of her saying white women are getting that ring and white women are winning.What a stupid comment.

    • Free_Is_Me

      Hello!

    • Lentina

      You spoke a VOLUME!!!! yasss guest11 yasss!!!!!!

  • Kitty

    I doubt anyone is knocking at the door to marry her either. I have no problem with her opinion but she speaks for herself and her demographic. Most men don’t want a doormat or a raging egotistical btch, there is a just middle and compromising is key.

    But by all means follow her advice

    • Yvette

      She’s not giving advice. She’s speaking for herself.

      • Kitty

        Good

        • Yvette

          Yes it is.

      • well she alt to be more responsible and consider the condition the black community is in and keep her negative thoughts on marriage to herself.

        • Mrs.J

          No black men need to do better.

          • true, I can agree with you on that because if the black men wake up, wise up and straighten up and do better the black women will follow and do better as well, then they both can prosper and move forward in this super competitive world.

            • Mrs.J

              Very true.Many black women are doing very well for themselves though alone.They are going to school and opening up businesses.I think more black men need to value education and step their game up.

              • all of that, black women seemingly doing well and black men stepping up their game valuing education etc. still we will not progress in this world unless black women and black men get smart and get a clear understanding of the importance of “ethic”, spirituality and a knowledge of themselves and a code of conduct. without embracing, understanding, appreciating and adhering to ethical behavior and a code of conduct among ourselves regardless of what others do, until then we can do all the above “good jobs, training, education, opening up businesses etc” all of that won’t amount to a hill of beans and we [black women and black men] will not taste success, honor, respect and be taken seriously in this super competitive world until we learn to be ethical in our dealing with one another, adhere to a code of conduct when dealing with each other along with having a knowledge of ourselves until then, we will never be standing on solid ground.

                • Mrs.J

                  I don’t know what you mean by code of conduct and all of that other stuff.

                  • ethic – a moral principle or set of moral values held by an individual or a group of people:
                    A code of conduct – is a set of rules outlining the social norms and rules and responsibilities of, or proper practices for, an individual, group, party or organization.
                    in short a code of conduct is important because it promotes moral behavior, acts as a guideline for ethical decision making [among the group], enhances the reputation of an organization, group or race of people, prevents negative effects, encourages positive relationships, acts as a reference for solving ethical dilemmas and prevents harming others in the group or race of people.
                    knowledge of self – knowing thy self, being honest and knowing you.

                    • Mrs.J

                      Wow you are actually making sense today.

                    • thanks, hahahaha you have finally woke up and open up your mind to logic, wisdom and good common sense lol…………thanks it’s all good better late than never. see it’s not all that hard for black women and black men to dialog and come to “understanding” we just got to “want to” then we are on our way.

                    • Mrs.J

                      Don’t insult me.You usually never make any sense because you ramble and misspell your words.

                    • ok thanks, no harm intended just enjoying the dialog with you this time.

                    • Miss B

                      lol!!!

                    • Mrs.J

                      Well it is true.See how he tried to insult me and talk to me like I am dumb.

                • lisa jones

                  it will never happen

              • lisa jones

                You said it all. That is what I am doing now.

                • Mrs.J

                  Yes.If we as black people want to get anywhere we have to be honest with ourselves.The truth is that many black women are doing well for themselves and too many black men aren’t.Keep doing you and living life.

            • ARIES BABY

              A man can not make a women do better that has to come from within and God.

          • They won’t look for you

            Right because women dont have any say in their own decisions.
            Each of these men your talking about had mothers too and last I checked it took and man amd a woman to have children. Next time you look for a man, dont worry about his bank account and make sure he is a good man. You are the gate keeper.
            If sex cost a million dollars, there would be millionaires everywhere. Men want what you have more than the other way around. Make yourself accountable.

            • Mrs.J

              Men are supposed to be the leaders.They are supposed to protect and provide.Too many black men aren’t doing that.Accept the truth.If all black women were to disappear tomorrow from America the black race would die out.Black women are going to school and opening businesses.Many of us are doing well for ourselves and way too many black men aren’t.This is truth.

              • lisa jones

                yep

              • Mr. 215

                Who’s truth, yours? Make a correction, the men you know ain’t ish, don’t speak for black men as a whole cause you don’t know every black man. It’s the same thing as some black men blaming women for everything that is not the case. P.S. there are many black women not doing ish either, living off their “white daddy” (the government) and having many children with several different men. How many of those do you currently know or saw growing up?

                • Mrs.J

                  That’s true.I won’t say that all black men are bad.I don’t want to get into a pissing match with you but lets be honest too many black men aren’t doing what they need to do.Too many black men have a love affair with prison,violence and committing crimes.I mean let’s just be totally honest here.Weren’t you and Mr Commonsense the ones who said BLM is stupid because if black lives mattered black on black crime wouldn’t be so bad?Don’t turn into a hypocrite now and try to defend black men who kill and commit horrible acts.

                  • ARIES BABY

                    I have a good black man. He is a good father, man and a provider for his family.

                    • Mrs.J

                      Yea me 2 so what’s your point?We all know that way too many black men aren’t doing what they are supposed to do.

                    • ARIES BABY

                      Well good for you. Your argument seems to be a one sided there are just as many black men doing there job as there are black men not doing there job. And the ones that are not doing there job let whatever sorry bytch who laid up with him deal with that not you.

                    • Mrs.J

                      No.Black men that aren’t doing what they are supposed effects/affects us all.

                    • ARIES BABY

                      You are entitled to your opinion lol.

              • LogicOverEmotion

                If many bw died today the rate of murders , robberies , and rapes would drop drastically for the next generation. Bw create the most dangerous criminals in America. Single motherhood is rampant in your culture and you are proud. You cannot deny this.

                • Mrs.J

                  I thought that you were black.I guess not.All you do is sound like a white racist troll on all of the blogs.Stop stalking our blogs.

                • Mrs.J

                  Many black women raise great kids even though they are single moms.I think that black women definitely can make better choices on who they choose to procreate with though.
                  The thing is that black men abandon their children at an alarming rate.They abandon the children they make with non black women too.

                  • ARIES BABY

                    Not all of them lol. Men of all races abandon there children.

                    • Mrs.J

                      I know that but I am black therefore I care about black men.Thanx.

            • Mrs.J

              We as women should worry about a man’s bank account and whether or not he can hold employment.Too many women don’t do this and this is why so many blacks are still living in generational poverty today.Let me know if you want me to drop anymore knowledge on you.

              • Mr. 215

                This is the problem with most black women today, never holding yourselves accountable for anything! Always the fault of the man “you” choose. Grow up and take responsibility for your bad decisions and quit blaming men for your crappy love life!

                • Mrs.J

                  No my love life is actually great.I just wish black men would do better.

          • Eric

            Of course. Because black women are never wrong and are peeffect right?

            • Mrs.J

              I am not saying that black women are perfect.I just wish more black men would do better and match the success of black women.That’s all.

          • Carolyn Forte

            Black women too!

        • LiveMelove

          How was she being negative? And why are you so mad?

        • Miss B

          Do you think her comment will deter good black men from marrying in the future?

          • no because all of this negativity around black males and black females relationships being promoted to young black people particularly to young black females is being promoted by those who have not had success in a relationship primarily because of their own short comings and stupidity, now they are mad at the world because nobody is chasing them, nobody want them, they have has several failed marriage. good black men will always seek out a mate and marry because it’s in their nature, it’s what they are suppose to do, it’s in their DNA to preform their duties to god, his ancestor, family, self and community by finding him a mate, marrying reproducing himself, protecting his women and their offspring physically and financially as long as his women will allow him. No! good black men comfortable in his own skin will not be deterred from marrying in the future because of the words and action of the well trained but “NOT SMART” misguided black people, simply these people are dumb, not smart but well trained. peace.

    • kara

      She did state this is WHY she does not want to marry again, because in HER own personal experiance her marriage was not rewarding for her, clearly she had a husband that want a traditional wife she attempted to do it the “right” way and she was miserable so she knows the men who are attracted to her have these ideas ” Hush up honey and stand there looking pretty.”

      So she concluded NO more marriage for me, it is how her life turned out, she is not bitter and what she learned when a woman of character she couldn’t make herself rewrite the rules just for her own marriage so she concluded for HERSELF marriage and me are not suited.

      • Kitty

        Dont care