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While the return of Queen Beyonce delayed it for 72 hours, it is now Valentine’s Day season.  Every channel is making their push with movies revolving around love and the commercials in between are unconsciously telling us all “Don’t be that person who messes the day up…so buy this.”

While the sentiments of the day are mostly focused on couples, Valentine’s Day is a social holiday. While some are channeling their inner poet with the flyest “Roses are red/Violets are blue” sonnets, others are getting ready to receive surprise gifts at work; Valentine’s Day is for stunting, and that’s a big part of the fun.  While there may be some incentive for later on that night, men not only want their women-or men-to feel like they’re number one. And if you’re single and checking social media that day, you might feel like a mess. There will be girls’ night out/in galore and men trying to–at the bare minimum–hook up for the night.

However, what irks me the most is “My child is my Valentine.”

This isn’t in reference to the ones who opt to make the day that St. Valentine was executed a day they focus on loving up their family. I’m talking about the ones who declare: “My son is my king/daughter is my queen/my kids are my everything” crowd.

In my personal opinion, it sounds like the child is a consolation prize. If there was a significant other in the picture, all favors would be bartered and the babysitter for that night would have been booked. While there are outliers, for the most part, people put more time, energy, effort, thought and dollars into whomever they are in a relationship with, and rightfully so. Children only care but so much. It’s another day of candy and fun-focused activities. At first, how kids view Valentine’s Day is mostly based on emulation of what they see on TV and at home.

As parents, we project our experiences, insecurities and other feelings about love onto our kids. Our parents did to us, and in general, it can have both favorable and adverse effects. While the goal is to limit the amount of the latter, I personally shake it off by saying part of the fun in parenting is messing our kids up.  However, there is a fine line in building self-esteem in our kids and subconsciously filling a void of loneliness.  

For example: all of the times that sons–myself included–have taken the status of being “man of the house” seriously. With a third grade education, I was 75 pounds soaking wet and bundled up, and I had two weeks of karate lessons that I learned in summer camp, but I was ready for the hold it down while dad was out of town. Nope, I did not pay one bill, but with a child’s optimism, the self-esteem boost was real for me. I was showing love and holding the house down. 

There is nothing wrong with one’s child being their Valentine.  It’s a sweet sentiment and should be done with discretion because the mindset can lead to codependence. We love our children with all our hearts, but at the end of the day, they’ll never be our partner.

Chad Milner is a New York-based writer who founded the blog Single Dadventures, where he pens his (mis)adventures with his daughter, Cydney.  He regularly contributes to Madamenoire, as well as various websites, giving insight on parenting, dating, relationships and music from the perspective of a young, single black father.  Follow him on Twitter and Instagram

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