Corbis
Can you ever go back to the way things used to be in a relationship?
And no, I’m not solely talking about a particular period that brought you and your mate a great deal of happiness, but also, a certain title. If your partner popped the question and asked you to marry him, and you said yes, when things aren’t going as smoothly as you both would have hoped, is it petty to ask to revert to boyfriend and girlfriend status?
That’s what one woman asked on a thread from a few years back that caught my attention:
“I love him with all my heart but I feel like this is going to change us,” the woman wrote. “And if he does ask me again in the future, I’m afraid of saying yes because, what if times get worse again? Is he just going to take the ring back again? I’m hurt, confused and I don’t trust him with my heart after this. People tell me I’m dumb for not ending it, but I love him and we have been together for a while.”
Ah yes, the whole, “I’ve put in years” crutch.
Sometimes being with an individual for an extended period makes many of us believe that we have to stand by and ride for whatever they put us through. When one feels they’ve invested so much, the concept of walking away from said investment and starting all over from scratch sounds like a nightmare. And I totally get it. But when you decide to stand by and ride, then you find yourself in situations like this one, where you’re seriously considering not postponing the wedding, but canceling an engagement and just acting like it never happened until folks figure themselves out.
Yikes!
I gained some very interesting insight on this matter from individuals who responded to the thread. Especially from one woman who had been through such matters of the heart and was back to planning her wedding after taking a step back. A step back that lasted two whole years:
“I have been engaged and broken up, went back to being just gf/bf and I am now engaged to the same person and have set a date for the wedding. It could be that he pulled back because he felt that your finances were not right or that he was just not in the right mind-frame. Only you know his heart. If he is not a terrible person who has hurt you in the past, then he may be waiting for himself to mature and if you love him then you will stand by him. If he is a game player and somewhat jerk then he could be playing with your heart. Go with your heart and what it is telling you about him. But make sure you use your head for reasoning as well. Don’t let a man treat you like dirt but also don’t give up on a good man because he is not moving at the pace you are. Sometimes you will be out of sync and it’s worth it to wait to get on the right track to progress. Me and my fiance are now back to going on the right road to marriage and that took two years of fixing the relationship. You are stronger than you want to believe, you can wait if he is right. If not, then you are strong enough to leave. Love does not mean giving up your self control and going against what you know is the right thing.”
I respect all that. However, there is a significant difference between both parties agreeing to postpone a wedding for, say, financial reasons, a desire to seek counseling, health issues and the like, and just saying you don’t know when or IF you want to get married anymore, but you know you would like to stay in the relationship.
That’s a hell no. And a waiting game.
And also a sign, in my opinion, of someone who is a commitmentphobe. We all get nervous about this marriage thing, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to take such large steps back in relationships. Just be done! The time to be unsure and take things slow was before the proposal. Because, in most cases, people are looking to move forward. If you don’t want to marry me all of a sudden, you think it’s a cute idea to say that being boyfriend and girlfriend works best and we can start from scratch? Sounds like some time getting ready to be wasted.
But then again, it’s always better for an individual to figure out what’s really going on within before saying “I do.” And if you choose to hold that person down in the meantime, more power to you.
However, I would recommend that one handle this as a girlfriend of mine did and say, “You can go back to being whatever you want and need to be, but I’m not going to sit around and wait for you to figure out what you want…”
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Is there anything wrong with asking your fiancé/fiancée to revert to boyfriend and girlfriend status until you’re really ready to say “I do”? Whenever that is…
