What Valentine’s Day Cards Would Say If They Were Honest

February 11, 2016  |  

Valentine's Day card

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In a world of texts and Snapchat, writing a card feels very intimate— sometimes too intimate. The moment someone takes the time to write you a card, you get a little scared like they’re going to put something in there you weren’t ready to read. Maybe that’s because today letters are reserved for lawyers letting you know what the defendant wants in the settlement. Letters are from the IRS telling you that you still owe them money. Letters are from your grandma telling you that you don’t write her enough letters. Basically, letters are rarely good, so we feel uncomfortable around them. Now stick the uncomfortable letter on the most pressure-filled day—Valentine’s Day—and you have an explosive situation. Not everybody is in that perfect, happy place of being together long enough to feel comfortable saying sweet things, but not so long that you have nothing left to say. For some people, Valentine’s Day cards are hard. Here are what they would say if they were a little more honest.

Black married couple arguing

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We probably fought today

Valentine’s Day provides such an arbitrary day to tell someone you love them. What if you don’t feel that lovey that day? What if you argued a half hour before your big V-day dinner? How about a card that says “We probably fought today so this is weird but here’s a card.”

Corbis

Corbis

This doesn’t mean you’re my girlfriend

What do those poor people in that limbo stage—that stage of still deciding if they want this to get serious—write in a card? “This doesn’t mean you’re my girlfriend. It doesn’t mean you aren’t! But it doesn’t mean you are.”

Image Source: Shutterstock.com

Image Source: Shutterstock.com

I do everything, and now I’m doing this

If you’re trapped in a relationship where you are constantly the one making sacrifices, listening to his stories and accommodating to his needs, you’ll feel resentful writing a damn card!

Shutterstock

Shutterstock

I wrote this on the toilet

Maybe you’re in one of those super open relationships. Your partner knows you do all of your other paperwork on the toilet! Why not the V-Day card?

"Cash Conscious"

You owe me $$

If you’re shelling out $20 on a card and a gift for Valentine’s Day, but your partner still owes you $8,000 for putting him through night school…Say it in a card.

Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

We haven’t had sex in a while

There’s nothing like having to profess your love in writing when you haven’t professed it under the sheets in months. “Hey, I found two minutes to write this card maybe we can find two minutes to have sex.”

Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

Don’t eat all the chocolate at once

If you’re dating someone who has developed a little binge eating problem lately and can’t fit into his jeans, V-day is a weird time: you’re giving him chocolate, but you don’t want him to eat chocolate.

teen slang

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“–Like a lot, not love, but like a lot.”

The sign off on a Valentine’s Day card is so uncomfortable if you haven’t said, “I love you yet.” What are you going to write? “Best?” This isn’t your boss’s stepson.

"sex pf"

Shutterstock

Thanks for the continuous sex

If you’re in an ongoing booty call situation, it feels cold to get the person nothing on Valentine’s Day. It feels like you’re making some statement. But you’re not going to write something lovey-dovey in the card! “Thanks for the orgasms” will do.

Shutterstock

Shutterstock

I feel stupid

This isn’t the age of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. People don’t write long, drawn-out letters about their feelings. It feels like homework!

 

 

 

Corbis

Corbis

This doesn’t make up for anything

Boy does a Valentine’s Day card feel stupid if you, like, dealt with an affair in your relationship that year. It feels like trying to put out a fire with a wad of spit.

Black woman pushing man away

I still need space

What if you just had the, “I need a little space” talk right before Valentine’s Day? Giving a card could give the wrong impression—the impression that you don’t need space. Better be clear on that.

iStock

iStock

You can throw this away

You’ve been together so damn long that at this point if you kept every card you gave one another, you’d be hoarders.

 

 

 

 

Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

No need to respond

That moment after somebody reads your card there is so much pressure on him to say something about it—to respond to each part. You don’t want that; he doesn’t want that. You both just want the card portion of the evening to be over.

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