What Valentine’s Day Cards Would Say If They Were Honest
In a world of texts and Snapchat, writing a card feels very intimate— sometimes too intimate. The moment someone takes the time to write you a card, you get a little scared like they’re going to put something in there you weren’t ready to read. Maybe that’s because today letters are reserved for lawyers letting you know what the defendant wants in the settlement. Letters are from the IRS telling you that you still owe them money. Letters are from your grandma telling you that you don’t write her enough letters. Basically, letters are rarely good, so we feel uncomfortable around them. Now stick the uncomfortable letter on the most pressure-filled day—Valentine’s Day—and you have an explosive situation. Not everybody is in that perfect, happy place of being together long enough to feel comfortable saying sweet things, but not so long that you have nothing left to say. For some people, Valentine’s Day cards are hard. Here are what they would say if they were a little more honest.
We probably fought today
Valentine’s Day provides such an arbitrary day to tell someone you love them. What if you don’t feel that lovey that day? What if you argued a half hour before your big V-day dinner? How about a card that says “We probably fought today so this is weird but here’s a card.”
This doesn’t mean you’re my girlfriend
What do those poor people in that limbo stage—that stage of still deciding if they want this to get serious—write in a card? “This doesn’t mean you’re my girlfriend. It doesn’t mean you aren’t! But it doesn’t mean you are.”
I do everything, and now I’m doing this
If you’re trapped in a relationship where you are constantly the one making sacrifices, listening to his stories and accommodating to his needs, you’ll feel resentful writing a damn card!
I wrote this on the toilet
Maybe you’re in one of those super open relationships. Your partner knows you do all of your other paperwork on the toilet! Why not the V-Day card?
You owe me $$
If you’re shelling out $20 on a card and a gift for Valentine’s Day, but your partner still owes you $8,000 for putting him through night school…Say it in a card.
We haven’t had sex in a while
There’s nothing like having to profess your love in writing when you haven’t professed it under the sheets in months. “Hey, I found two minutes to write this card maybe we can find two minutes to have sex.”
Don’t eat all the chocolate at once
If you’re dating someone who has developed a little binge eating problem lately and can’t fit into his jeans, V-day is a weird time: you’re giving him chocolate, but you don’t want him to eat chocolate.
“–Like a lot, not love, but like a lot.”
The sign off on a Valentine’s Day card is so uncomfortable if you haven’t said, “I love you yet.” What are you going to write? “Best?” This isn’t your boss’s stepson.
Thanks for the continuous sex
If you’re in an ongoing booty call situation, it feels cold to get the person nothing on Valentine’s Day. It feels like you’re making some statement. But you’re not going to write something lovey-dovey in the card! “Thanks for the orgasms” will do.
I feel stupid
This isn’t the age of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. People don’t write long, drawn-out letters about their feelings. It feels like homework!
This doesn’t make up for anything
Boy does a Valentine’s Day card feel stupid if you, like, dealt with an affair in your relationship that year. It feels like trying to put out a fire with a wad of spit.
I still need space
What if you just had the, “I need a little space” talk right before Valentine’s Day? Giving a card could give the wrong impression—the impression that you don’t need space. Better be clear on that.
You can throw this away
You’ve been together so damn long that at this point if you kept every card you gave one another, you’d be hoarders.
No need to respond
That moment after somebody reads your card there is so much pressure on him to say something about it—to respond to each part. You don’t want that; he doesn’t want that. You both just want the card portion of the evening to be over.