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As told to Veronica Wells
Before there was Tinder or Soulswipe, there was AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) and Chatrooms. And if you think it’s easy to lie and catfish people today, through dating apps, the ease with which you could lie in a chatroom was exceptionally simpler. For the young ones reading this, chat rooms were online hangouts where people from across the country and world could communicate with each other in real time. Think texting…but on the computer… with hundreds of people. Many of the chatrooms were based on age and interests but there were no settings in place to insure that the person entering these rooms was telling the truth. Furthermore, when someone asked you A/S/L? (Age, Sex, Location), you could say whatever you liked. It was a creative spirit’s dream. You could literally take on a different persona every night if you so desired.
It was through this digital world that I had my first romantic interactions with men. Yes, I’m convinced that as a preteen I was chatting with grown men. Most of them believed I was 18, legal. Occasionally, I would enter a chat room with children my age but that was as a last ditch effort. The people in those rooms were, at best, immature and, at their worst, insanely boring, unable to hold a full, engaging conversation.
So I talked to the older crowd. Or people like me, pretending to be older. Before you start judging, calling me “fast,” know that I wasn’t alone. In her memoir, actress, producer and comedienne Issa Rae shares a shockingly similar experience. And she turned out just fine. But I’m getting sidetracked. Point is, all of my relationships have all started online. And when I started being honest about my age, the internet boos started calling me. And we went from there, developing semi or completely noncommittal romantic relationships in real life. All of which ended because the men were either mentally and socially unstable, f*ckboys or a combination of the two.
This was the case all throughout high school, college and even my early twenties. Truth be told, I still meet men from the internet. Tinder is a beautiful thing. But you only talk to someone on Tinder for so long before they’re trying to meet up. And this is where the problem lies.
Basically, I’m scared.
My new Tinder boo is literally everything I’ve been looking for. Bookish with a love for Boosie. Hood but with a good head on his shoulders and a heart for the people. The dude was literally nominated for a national award for his community service efforts. And this is no gas. I’ve been using the internet a long time, I know full well how to verify. On paper, he’s perfect. But instead of his qualifications making me eager to meet him. I’m terrified.
I’ve started to make excuses about why it’ll never work out between us. He travels too much. He—well, travel too much is really as far as I’ve gotten so far. He’s invited me out three times now. And each time I make an excuse as to why I can’t go. Truth be told, I just moved into a new place and it would be a bit inconvenient; but the more honest, realistic part of me knows that there is another reason why I’m so hesitant. I’m scared he won’t like me. I’m scared he won’t be everything he thought I was. And I’m scared… just scared. Things are so much easier when you’re on the phone, Skyping or chatting on the internet.
But then again, easy doesn’t usually lead to lasting, fruitful results. Maybe it’s time I take my relationships to the real world.
