15 Fascinating Things About Having A Vagina
Men may think that the female vagina is complicated, but we don’t exactly have a handle on it ourselves. At least men can see basically every aspect of their equipment. Most of us are left to Google searches, and holding a hand mirror to the thing—but even then, we can’t see much. Here are 15 bizarre things about having a vagina.
It’s so high maintenance
Eat too much sugar? Wear the wrong fabric? Wait too long to shower? Guess what? You have a bladder infection or a urinary tract infection or a bacterial infection now! Vaginas are the divas of the body; they have such specific needs. See photo for vagina personified.
Pee has its own mind
You would think that when a woman peed it would be a straight shoot into the toilet, but nope. Somehow, on some days, our pee just decides it’s going immediately out and to the left. Some days it shoots out of the toilet bowl. Some days it comes out in three streams. We don’t get it either, and we’re rarely prepared.
Sometimes one side of it just looks…tired. It’s lazier than the other side. It must be hungover.
Sticky stuff sits in our underwear most of the day and we’re just supposed to accept that. We can try to wipe it away, sure, but it comes back at a rate we cannot keep up with. Men: imagine if you had a little bit of semen in your shorts all day. Mhmm.
Queefs are, lets just say it, the farts of the vagina. But there is one large difference between a queef and a fart (okay there are several but this one is the most mind boggling): we cannot control queefs. When that air is ready to come out of there there is no stopping it—there is no pacing it, holding it in, or quieting in.
Babies come out of them
Babies, with bodies larger than footballs, come out of there. Then, magically, the vagina just…goes on about life as if that never happened.
It bleeds without pain
If you think that we might be magical because we can bleed out of our genitals without feeling any pain, we might agree with you. It’s just not the type of magic powers we hoped to posess.
It doesn’t smell bad or good. It just smells like nothing else in the world does. What is that smell? All of the other openings to our body have smells we can pretty much understand. But the smell of a va-jay-jay? Mystery.
We walk around with little sponges inside of ourselves, sometimes for eight hours. The sponges exert so much suction that they clean our vaginal walls clear of blood. Yet, somehow, we don’t feel like a little sponge is suctioning our insides.
It has its own lotion
Men and women need lubrication for sexual stimulation, but only the female’s body produces it! Ha! We’re little lotion factories. Fine so is Jergens, so what?
Periods take breaks
Sometimes in the middle of our periods, our vaginas will just stop bleeding for an entire day, and then get right back to it. What was that? Did our ovaries take a cigarette break?
It closes up shop
The vaginal canal only exists sometimes. Did you ever think about that? When we’re just walking around, living our lives, it closes up entirely. It’s like a magical hallway between two buildings with no space between them that only gifted individuals get to enter. It’s like the invisible train platform in Harry Potter.
It’s a muscle
We can tighten it through exercise, just like an arm or a leg muscle. Most of us don’t, but we can. Come in—we workout enough as it is! Give us a break!
It shares a wall with our rectum
They’re almost back to back, and ne’er shall the two meet. Actually that’s not true: sometimes during childbirth the skin between the rectum and the vagina tears and it all becomes one big opening and that is bizarre and terrifying in its own right.
Others want in so bad
Those of us who posess vaginas find them mostly troublesome: those of you who don’t want in them so badly. We handle all the sticky stuff all day long so that our partners can enjoy the fun part at night. Our vaginas are almost like babies that cry all day long, and we’re the mothers stuck at home with them, and of course when daddy gets home he just wants to play with them.