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Dating with bipolar is tricky. You have to find someone that you want to date. Then you have to regulate your own emotions in case dating triggers some unwanted feelings. Finally, you have to have the dates and/or relationship and figure out when to share your diagnosis. It can be exhausting, which is why I decided to seek out people who might be more open to dating someone with a mental illness. Caring people like teachers and open-minded people like artists. Recently I became acquainted with one such individual — a psychologist — and I imagined that my dating anxiety would be temporarily assuaged.

His name is Kyle, and I actually didn’t realize his profession when I agreed to go out with him. Like you do on the innanets, I thought he was attractive and funny and, most importantly, interested in meeting me. It was on our first date that I learned he was finishing up his PhD in psychology with the goal of being a therapist. First I thought, a PhD? He must be pretty smart. Then I thought, smart is hot and so are his dimples.

In other instances of dating while bipolar, I’d be concerned with my date’s emotional honesty. Not the case with Kyle, who talked about his therapist and how a past relationship gutted him — on the first date! I was very impressed with how forthcoming he was, so I talked about my last relationship as well as some things I’d learned in therapy. He asked about my writing and I confessed that I wrote about mental health and mental illness. I didn’t mention that I wrote primarily about my illness, but he didn’t flinch or act uncomfortable at the mention of mental illness. Winning!

By the time of my second date with Kyle, I’d already convinced myself that I liked him a lot. This isn’t so much a hazard of dating with bipolar as it is a side-effect of being over 40 and single and mostly never finding a man that you can stand for more than ten minutes. The thought process that was a manifestation of my bipolar was believing that I needed to hold on to Kyle with a Vulcan death grip because I’d never find another man with all of the qualities I liked in one package. That kind of all-or-nothing thinking lead me to some negative thoughts about my physical ability to attract a man and my emotional ability to maintain a relationship. Still, I soldiered on.

The second date with Kyle was very much like the first. We saw a movie and then talked for hours about every imaginable topic. When he revealed in casual conversation that he had a gambling problem and had attended meetings for it, I was attracted rather than deterred. Not only had he revealed a private, potentially negative thing about himself, but he’d also done so early on. I believed that his confession would make it easier for me to talk about my mental illness, and would also make him more likely to accept it. I told him that I really enjoyed hanging out with him, and he responded that he felt the same about me. Then I caught a glimpse of his abs and basically forgot every other feeling besides lust.

As it turns out, Kyle isn’t exactly perfect for a woman like me. He cancelled a few dates and made no effort to reschedule which, even for a person who lives in her head, is a clear sign of disinterest. I was crushed about it for about 12 hours, mourning the loss of my seemingly perfect emotional and intellectual counterpart. Then I started a round of positive thinking, telling myself that at least I’d connected with someone and that I hadn’t been afraid to be honest about liking Kyle. I also gave myself credit for only ruminating in rejection for half a day.

I still text with Kyle occasionally, and I’m still searching for that rare combination of brains, compassion and rock-hard pecs. Maybe I’ll cave on the pecs if he’s over 6 feet tall. Then again, a woman needs goals.

Tracey Lloyd lives in Harlem, where she fights her cat for access to the keyboard. You can find more of her experiences living with bipolar disorder on her personal blog, My Polar Opposite.

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