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When you fall in love with a woman or man with children, you have to work with the total package. You can’t love the parent and then loathe the child. I mean, obviously some have done it, but it usually turns out terribly.

But do you have to deal with, or even provide a roof for the child of the woman or man you love if they’re already an adult who should be out in the world making moves? Paying bills? Being independent?

One man, who is related to one of my colleagues, says you shouldn’t have to. And his way of thinking has created strife between him and his wife-to-be.

Joseph* has two adult children. He’s engaged to a woman named Kay* who has one adult son. And while Joseph’s children are all out in the world doing their own thing and starting their own families, the growth of Kay’s son has been stunted. He’s been relying on his mother for quite some time now. After high school, he passed on college and started working different jobs here and there, but he’s currently without work and living with Kay, doing temp gigs when he can.

Joseph and Kay have been engaged since early this year, and plan to move in together early next year as the wedding nears (they will move in before they say “I do”). But Kay came to her future husband a few months ago and asked if it would be possible for her son to stay with them, in their new home, just for a while as he got on his feet.

Joseph said, “Hell no!”

Instead, he told Kay that her very grown son had wasted enough years trying to get on his feet, and that while he could continue to stay with Kay in her home for now, once she and Joseph move into their own pad, baby boy has to bounce. Joseph doesn’t know if that means going back to school, getting serious about finding employment, or living with friends or another relative, but he says it’s not his problem to worry about.

This has obviously caused quite the drama. Kay is very close to her son and doesn’t want to leave him hanging. And with Joseph’s orders looming, Kay’s son has expressed his disappointment with her for allowing her partner, one who has only been around for a few years, to dictate what happens in her home. That, of course, has put a strain on this mother and son’s relationship. And yes, that pressure has created some animosity towards Joseph.

And no, Joseph didn’t ask for advice, and he doesn’t plan to change his mind, but I just had to share this situation with you. Can’t blame him, right? Little kids are one thing. Even an adult child who has abruptly fallen on hard times. But grown men who’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing for a whole lot of years? That’s a bit much. As Joseph pointed out, Kay’s son has had quite some time to figure things out, and if he still doesn’t have everything figured out, he can continue to ponder on his future from someone else’s couch. A grown man or woman can’t come into the home of a newlywed couple to stay. That puts extra tension on a new union, and that’s not how you want to start married life. He has a few months left — plenty of time — to figure out how to get on the good foot.

So, if you ask me, I think Joseph and Kay should support her son (and his future son) in any reasonable way they can–but without going broke, going crazy, or going into their marriage with him as their third wheel.

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