There’s nothing quite like the sting of betrayal felt when you’ve learned that your partner has been unfaithful. Last month, a 21-year-old woman, who we’ll call “Audrey,” sought advice on Reddit’s relationship message board because she suspected that 29-year-old Tim, her boyfriend of two years, had been dishonest with her.
Tim and Audrey are both living in Europe after relocating from their native countries. When they met, Tim said that he had just ended a relationship, and was temporarily living with his ex-girlfriend and would be doing so for the following 3 months for financial reasons.
A few months pass and Tim doesn’t move out. He says he’s now got his own little apartment in the same house, but that it’s so much better for him to stay there because he doesn’t have to buy any furniture and the rent is cheap. (Remember we’re foreigners, so buying a ton of furniture that you’re just going to have to sell when you leave is annoying) He eventually starts saying that he’s going to bring me over there to show me that they’re living separately and whatnot.
Long story short, that never happened. Every time I asked him to ask her about it, he’d say that she’d get upset and blah blah blah. Apparently she was aware that he had a girlfriend, but didn’t like it and wanted to get back together.
After a year, he finally moved out. Not into his own place, but into the spare room at his buddy’s house. I had been to this buddy’s place before, only once, though, and that has been the one and only time I’ve ever met one of his non-mutual friends (which is suspicious and strange on its own). I didn’t help with the move (not for lack of trying), so no, I never saw him move his stuff there. Again, this was a temporary solution until he found a place of his own.
Tim never moved out of his friend’s place, and when it came to having Audrey over, he always made excuses. She has never met or been in contact with his family, so one night, she decided to do a bit of digging on Facebook.
I went Facebook stalking. I searched for “Tagged Photos of Tim” because I know he’s weird about his Facebook and doesn’t let tagged pictures and posts show up on his wall. While going through the pictures, I found three pictures of him while he was visiting home over the summer. In each of the three pictures, there is a girl, who is untagged, and sitting next to Tim. In 2 of the 3 pictures his arm is around her (but the pictures are more posed, and everyone’s arms are around each other). 2 of the pictures are with friends, so I figured she’s a friend from home, no big deal. In one picture, though, they are with his sister and her husband and daughter. So a much more intimate picture.
And then, she turned to Google.
I did some more Google research and found Stephanie’s grandmother’s obituary. She died in January. So after Tim would have moved out of the house and definitely after they should have been broken up. And yet, on the obituary his name is listed next to Stephanie’s as members of the family. I do know that he was close to the grandmother and that she left him stuff in her will, but still I’m suspicious.
Weeks later, Audrey provided an update on her situation. In short, she went through Tim’s phone and text exchanges with Stephanie confirmed her suspicions. Not only was he in a relationship with Stephanie, but they still lived together.
I found texts from Stephanie from the day before talking about what they should make for dinner that night (he told me he was out of town for work that night). I found lots of hearts and “I love yous” and even him using the same pet names for her as he does for me. He told her he was going out of town this weekend for work and how much he’d miss her. I looked through the past few weeks of messages between them and saw that he had sent her quite a few of the same pictures that he had sent me. He had invited her to have a glass of wine with his buddy and her girlfriend. He picked her up from work multiple times, and there were lots of conversations about who was making dinner that night and what they should eat.
I went back and looked for dates where I knew he had slept over with me, and he had always told her he was crashing at a friend’s place or out of town for work or something along those lines. I also found a group text message titled “Family” that included Tim, his sister, his mom, and Stephanie.
In a second update, Audrey explained that she reached out to Stephanie via snail mail to share her side of the story. Shortly after, Tim cut off all contact with her.
I wrote Stephanie a three-page letter, detailing the relationship that Tim and I have had over the past two years. Making clear that it was serious and not just a fling. I mentioned dates and events that most people would not have known about, and I included the intricate lies and back story that he had told me. I included a list of dates from the last 2 months that he spent the night with me and encouraged her to cross check them with nights that he wasn’t at home. I printed out a few photos of us as a quick visible proof, and I included the rest of the photos on a USB stick in the letter. The stick also contained screenshots of any particularly incriminating conversations that we’ve had over the last few months. I scanned postcards that he had sent me from various vacations and included those as well. For safe measure, I also included a copy of the letter, in case the hard copy went somehow mysteriously missing. I gave her my email address and phone number and asked her to contact me if she wanted to.
I mailed the letter. I ensured that it was registered post. In order to receive the letter, she’d have to show her ID and sign for it. On Friday, the letter arrived. She was not home, so she received a notification to go pick up the letter up at the post office. On Saturday morning, she picked it up, and I got an email of the receipt with her signature on it.
Throughout all of this, I conversed normally with Tim and made excuses as to why he couldn’t come over during the week, so as to not tip him off to anything. He stopped talking to me about 20 minutes after she picked up the letter Saturday morning, and I have not heard from him since. He has, however, defriended me and my family on Facebook. I have not heard from Stephanie either.
So, now it’s really over. I hope with my whole heart that he was not able to lie and manipulate his way out of the situation with her, but I will probably never know. I do not expect to hear from him again.
She concluded:
I feel very lonely, taken advantage of and beaten down. I am going to do my best to try to come out of this situation without trust issues and without being cynical and jaded. I am seeking therapy to make sure I don’t slip into depression. For now, I need to find ways to distract myself and fill up any free time.
Oh yeah, she plans on getting tested.
