Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Hypocrites and Open Relationships

June 29, 2011  |  

Dear Very Smart Brotha,

I’m dating a man that is wonderful, he’s romantic, thoughtful, respectful etc. He also has very strong values/morals regarding marriage and doesn’t believe in divorce. Well, I have known that about him since I first met him and it’s one of the things I love most, but come to find out not long before him and I got together he was having an affair with a married woman. It’s hypocritical for him to live his life claiming he believes marriage is sacred yet he was sleeping with a married woman. From a male perspective how do you view other men that sleep with married women? He holds marriage values very strongly and always gets upset when he hears of other people that don’t take marriage seriously yet here he was doing the same thing. He’s had these values for as long as I’ve known him, so he knowingly slept with a married woman in spite of his morals and values. This makes me question his integrity all together and wonder what it would take for him to go against his values when it comes to his own marriage when he was so easily convinced to go against them with another person’s marriage. Also, is this a behavior that can just be overlooked? It’s very hard for me to understand justifying sleeping with a married person no matter what the circumstance.

Sincerely,

Mating With a (possible) Moral Midget

Dear Mating with a (possible) moral midget,

I have a friend (“Jake”) who I’ve actually distanced myself from because of how often (and how recklessly) he cheats on his fiancée. We’re still cool — I haven’t cut him off completely — but we’re definitely not as close as we once were. Thing is, my decision to distance wasn’t a moral decision as much as it was a selfish one. I figured that if he’d do a person he claimed to love — a person who washed his dirty drawers, cared for his sick grandparents, and (I’m assuming) swallowed his kids on a regular basis — that dirty, what type of foul Shyte would he do to me if he had the chance?

Anyway, although I understand that wrecking a home with your infidelity isn’t exactly the same thing as being a home-wrecker, your beau’s history is concerning — Yes. Sexual history always matters. All of it. — and I’d be a little weary of a person who’s able to compartmentalize his thoughts and actions so easily.

At the same time though, it’s possible that he feels so strongly about marriage now because he turned another man into a cuckold. I know this probably makes about as much sense as a serial killer deciding to stop killing because he learned he was scared of blood, but maybe him actively contributing to a terrible marriage first hand scared him straight. So, instead of a red flag — a potential deal-breaker — I consider your man’s history to be an orange flag — not a deal-breaker just yet, but something that makes you go “Hmmm.”

Sincerely,

Damon Young (aka The Champ)

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