Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Hypocrites and Open Relationships

18 comments
June 29, 2011 ‐ By madamenoire

Dear Very Smart Brotha,

I’m dating a man that is wonderful, he’s romantic, thoughtful, respectful etc. He also has very strong values/morals regarding marriage and doesn’t believe in divorce. Well, I have known that about him since I first met him and it’s one of the things I love most, but come to find out not long before him and I got together he was having an affair with a married woman. It’s hypocritical for him to live his life claiming he believes marriage is sacred yet he was sleeping with a married woman. From a male perspective how do you view other men that sleep with married women? He holds marriage values very strongly and always gets upset when he hears of other people that don’t take marriage seriously yet here he was doing the same thing. He’s had these values for as long as I’ve known him, so he knowingly slept with a married woman in spite of his morals and values. This makes me question his integrity all together and wonder what it would take for him to go against his values when it comes to his own marriage when he was so easily convinced to go against them with another person’s marriage. Also, is this a behavior that can just be overlooked? It’s very hard for me to understand justifying sleeping with a married person no matter what the circumstance.

Sincerely,

Mating With a (possible) Moral Midget

Dear Mating with a (possible) moral midget,

I have a friend (“Jake”) who I’ve actually distanced myself from because of how often (and how recklessly) he cheats on his fiancée. We’re still cool — I haven’t cut him off completely — but we’re definitely not as close as we once were. Thing is, my decision to distance wasn’t a moral decision as much as it was a selfish one. I figured that if he’d do a person he claimed to love — a person who washed his dirty drawers, cared for his sick grandparents, and (I’m assuming) swallowed his kids on a regular basis — that dirty, what type of foul Shyte would he do to me if he had the chance?

Anyway, although I understand that wrecking a home with your infidelity isn’t exactly the same thing as being a home-wrecker, your beau’s history is concerning — Yes. Sexual history always matters. All of it. — and I’d be a little weary of a person who’s able to compartmentalize his thoughts and actions so easily.

At the same time though, it’s possible that he feels so strongly about marriage now because he turned another man into a cuckold. I know this probably makes about as much sense as a serial killer deciding to stop killing because he learned he was scared of blood, but maybe him actively contributing to a terrible marriage first hand scared him straight. So, instead of a red flag — a potential deal-breaker — I consider your man’s history to be an orange flag — not a deal-breaker just yet, but something that makes you go “Hmmm.”

Sincerely,

Damon Young (aka The Champ)

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  • MsRita

    Dear Woman make a man court you and never Date a man, If tell a man that he has to court you because you don't date.

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  • Brodie

    Something tells me the midget has a thing for women who make bad choices (like sleeping with him). Bounce like the Hulk. Plus if she is writing VSB, no offense, then she doesn't trust him and she isjust waiting for the other shoe to drop so she can be a jilted meme.

  • Lovechild

    so much for the theory of “living in the now”.
    people do change for the better and for the worst.

  • Jennie

    If the guy STILL thinks that sleeping with a married woman was okay, then that's a red flag. However, the relationship is over and perhaps he learned from his prior experience. Dating helps you sort out what you value and need in a marital relationship. Are you saying that all your past dating behavior has been completely above board? Most likely somebody someWHERE will take issue with something you've done. Proceed with caution – as you should with every person you date.
    @Almost Thirty – You have made this guy a priority, yet you are just one of his options. If you comfortable with that, you'll have accept the risk that comes with that. Since you are concerned that you may be stung along, it's probably best that you move on.

  • love

    I am a firm believer that past actions are a true indicator of what a person has the capability to do. However saying that, people can and do change. I also believe anyone is cabable of anything given the situations they put themselve in.

    So he may now feel strongly about marriage. A sin is a sin, so if we are going to cut people/friends/associates/family of because of their sins/actions then none of us will have any friends. All of us at some point have done somethings that aren't acceptable to another. So he who is without sin cast the first stone.

    My only thought is be honest about who you are, were and if that person can't accept you for who you are and were then keept it moving. They are not the one for you!!

  • Bizzounce ASAP

    I think the mans behavior is a CLEAR RED FLAG…that he will speak one way with his mouth but act another way with his "equipment".

    Bottom line this man will always be of the mindset.."It's good for the goose but not for the gander". He will hold you and other people to this high moral standard & be so unforgiving but then he will DO AS HE WISHES because he IS BETTER THAN THAT. it would be one thing if he admitted the reason he feels so strongly against cheating after vows his because he had a hand in doing that and has learned a lesson…but nope he covered it up and kept fronting.

    BOUNCE FROM THIS FAKER

  • Kashing

    dude articles…from VSB are always so funny…haha
    ..Walmart Giving Back After Laying Off Over 50,000 People.. http://goo.gl/PvB1v $1,000 Giftcards – I Grab 2 of Them..LOL

  • monstadon

    Not really. When a person shows you who they are, you believe them. Nothing speaks more than actions. People who say one thing and do the other, are most likely not to be trusted. I like the response, as it is realistic and reasonable. You can't make rash judgements based on one thing…however, keep an eye out, and see how other things line up, to give you better gauge of what decision to make. I know, especially with relationships, it's always easy on the outside in to make judgments, but when the shoe is on the other foot, not all people can resist the arious temptations that abound out there.

    100.

  • Lyndon

    A woman judging a man on his sexual past? WOW. It's about time!!! A man's past is a definitely an indication of who he is and what he will do in the future. Most women just "choose" to ignore the signs and contradictions..
    Unfortunately, most women won't allow a man to EVER know their past. The affairs they had, the times they allowed themselves to be used, the married men they "unknowingly" slept with, or the one nighters etc. This is to never be used against them. So many women hate to be judged, but imo the past speaks volumes. Shame or not, it's a part of you.

    We are ALL walking-talking contradictions. Church goers that backslide, self-righteous bloggers that hide behind severe insecurites and husbands and wives that lie cheat and steal. Just own up to your shortcomings and keep it movin and never put you trust in any man

    • Shellz

      Dame shame I cant like this comment twice! CHURCH!!!!

    • Raw1

      I agree with most of your comments, However if you never find a way to put your trust in a man who is worthy, Than you will never again experience true love. There is no relatioship without TRUST. WE ALL MUST FORGIVE OUR OWN, AND OTHERS TRANGRESSIONS FOR THE SAKE OF OUR OWN SANITY.

      • Lyndon

        Nobody is completely trustworthy. I truly doubt there is any relationship where trust has never been breached. The "true love" that you talk about should allow you (any person) to understand that their parter is not above making mistakes. We break promises and lie to ourselves everday, so how in the hell can anyone reasonably expect someone else to keep promises to when we can't.

        Put your complete trust in another man if you want and I promise you that you will have your heart broken.

        • BLKLUV

          Sorry Lyndon got to disagree with you there, I'm with RAW1 on this. Love comes when you are ready and WILLING. You body, mind and spirit should be in line for your relationships to peak. I've been with my wife for better than 11 years and have never cheated on her – This includes any kind of sexual contact from kissing to intercourse. If she has stepped out on me than she's a ninja 'cause we are almost always together and the affection that we show each other is real. The best advise I can give brothers and sister out there is to make your lad or ladies your best friend before marryiing them. My baby is certainly mine!

          Good luck with your journey!

          PDF

          • Lyndon

            Ive recently met a rare few like yourself dude, but AGAIN, there seems to be a very small percentage of folk that are capable of completely being trusted. And I am one. I thought for years that I was a "good guy". Recently took a look at my total body of work and understand I have not been that dude.

            Beyond being best friends before intimacy sounds like an easier road and exactly what I consider understanding that the other person is not perfect.